UnNews:North Korean boss executes ex; American pols wistful

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

29 August 2013

The enlightened nation of North Korea has country-wide bans against "light pollution" that would interfere with stargazing.

PYONGYANG, North Korea -- North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un had an ex-girlfriend executed by firing squad on August 20, according to South Korean newspaper Chosun Ilbo.

Hyon Song Wol, a singer and rumored former lover of Kim Jong Un, was arrested on August 17 along with 11 other prominent artists. The group was accused of possessing pornography, and authorities found several copies of the Bible, each with lurid descriptions of carnal knowledge, spilling seed, and other titillating euphemisms.

Have I see you in a video?

Three days later, they were "executed by machine gun," according to a Chinese source, who always vacations in Pyongyang. Their immediate families, who were forced to watch, were then sent to re-education camps under North Korea's venerable doctrine of guilt-by-association.

In the West, Presidential spokesman Art Carney said such an execution could not happen in the United States because of the Constitution. President Obama has often complained that the document constrains him from doing "a bunch of stuff to help folks," though in view of Republican infighting, he has made no such complaint recently. Mr. Carney says Michelle has little to worry about, even when she gets in one of those moods and starts nagging the POTUS about healthy eating.

During the Beijing Olympics, Mr. Obama admired the ease with which the Chinese got things done, such as sweeping past environmental permitting to run locomotives through cities. But Mr. Carney stressed that if the Koreans did something like use chemical weapons or fired another missile that actually reached the U.S., that would "cross a red line" and change his alleged "equation."

Hyon Song Wol was a singer in the Pochonbo Starland Vocal Band, famous for its propaganda songs. (North Korean bands that do something other than propaganda songs were already in labor camps or shallow graves.) The Band is a one-hit wonder known for the Top 40 number, Afternoon Heroic Struggle.

Former President Bill Clinton, who attended the execution, chuckled and opined that it was "pretty cool." He glanced nervously at a woman nearby in the audience.

Sources

• Kiran Moodley "Death by firing squad for Kim Jong Un's ex" CNBC, August 29, 2013