Portal:People
The following text is from a pamphlet which was seen drifting down from a clear sky one Sunday afternoon. It's not known what sort of creature might have dropped it, but it was apparently something which lives in the sky.
People make the very best pets! They're more affectionate than pythons, they're easier to litter train than guinea pigs, they take up less space than elephants, and they don't need a fancy salt water filtration system in their tank the way dolphins do. Furthermore, unlike trees, they're mobile, so you can easily take them with you when you move. If you don't want your pet to die, get a human! They can live over 100 years! There are a few things you should know in order to get the most out of your human, and that's what this page is for. It contains everything you need to know to get off to a good start! (See more...)
Jeffrey Epstein was a businessman, philanthropist, educator, feminist and child rights advocate. He was well known for his charitable work, his success in the finance sector, and his tropical work-study program, which gave socioeconomically disadvantaged young girls the opportunity to meet the foremost leaders in business, politics, and science, so that they can learn from their example and become the next generation of girlbosses.
Because of Epstein's strength of character and moral integrity, he managed to live sixty-six long years without raping a single child. Epstein was posthumously granted the title of Knight Commander of the British Empire (KBE) by Prince Andrew, Duke of York, for this commendable show of restraint.
On August 10, 2019, after a long and tumultuous battle with depression, Epstein took his own life, by strangling himself while swandiving headfirst into the concrete floor of his prison cell approximately seven or eight times.
- A man with no head has just swam across the English channel, "He's accomplished his dream!" onlookers presume
- Perfidious EU members kidnap Donald Trump, turn him into a walrus, Trump surprisingly okay with it (Pictured)
- Michigan man has just earned his 29th degree, is still jobless
- Local Twister game fails to turn sexual, to the chagrin of Wisconsin man.
- U.K's first hand transplant patient masturbates for the first time, has crisis of sexuality after technically being wanked by another man
- Oregon man is first to forget 9/11, "It's a lot to remember!" he says suspiciously...
- ... that jazz pianist and composer Dave Brubeck is most known for mistakenly adding an extra note after the 4?
- ... that Erich Hartmann, inspired by the success of Red Baron Pizza, released his own line of Blond Knight Casseroles?
- ... that TV presenter and child-predator catcher Chris Hansen was once accosted by a man known as "The Booty Warrior"?
- ... that José Mourinho would prefer really not to speak, if he speaks he is in big trouble. If he speaks he's in big trouble and he doesn't want to be in big trouble.
- ... that José Mourinho would prefer really not to speak, if he speaks he is in big trouble. If he speaks he's in big trouble and he doesn't want to be in big trouble.
| “ | I survived because the fire inside burned brighter than the fire around me. I fell down into that dark chasm, but the flame burned on and on. | ” |
— Joshua Graham, former Legate
| ||
-
Art
Peak pretentiousness -
Business
Money, money, money! -
Comedy
The science of funny -
Culinary
Food for the soul -
Film
Enter the Matrix -
Games
Recess time -
Gay
A gay ol' time -
Geography
Get lost -
History
Factually wrong -
Literature
Literally illiterate -
Internet
A series of tubes -
Music
Rock on! -
Politics
Politically incorrect -
People
The people's portal -
Religion
Speak of the Devil -
Science
Playing to be God -
Society
We live in one -
Technology
Breaking stuff easier -
Television
Turn your brain off -
Theatre
To be or not to be -
Video Games
Better than sex -
Zoology
Beware of furries -
Portals
Meta-Portal -
Community
The Community -
Main Page
The Uncyclopedia
