Portal:People
The following text is from a pamphlet which was seen drifting down from a clear sky one Sunday afternoon. It's not known what sort of creature might have dropped it, but it was apparently something which lives in the sky.
People make the very best pets! They're more affectionate than pythons, they're easier to litter train than guinea pigs, they take up less space than elephants, and they don't need a fancy salt water filtration system in their tank the way dolphins do. Furthermore, unlike trees, they're mobile, so you can easily take them with you when you move. If you don't want your pet to die, get a human! They can live over 100 years! There are a few things you should know in order to get the most out of your human, and that's what this page is for. It contains everything you need to know to get off to a good start! (See more...)
Joseph William "Joe" Namath (born May 31, 1943), nicknamed "Broadway Joe" or "Joe Willie", is a former American football quarterback for the New York Jets, and is widely considered the greatest bad quarterback in NFL history.
In a dazzling 13-year career, Namath threw 173 touchdowns and 220 interceptions, completed 50 percent of his passes, appeared in one Pro Bowl and amassed a quarterback rating of 65.5, putting him on the short bus of NFL players. Nevertheless, his Super Bowl III "guarantee", his 4,000 yard passing performance in 1967 and his 161-game streak of drinking Jimmy Breslin under the table landed him in the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1985, forever disproving the "East Coast Bias" of sportswriters.
Namath's "intangibles" are often cited in his listing among football immortals. While Fran Tarkenton and Roger Staubach were better quarterbacks, "Broadway Joe" did sleep with a lot of beautiful women, and his Hall of Fame enshrinement gave hope to charming fuck-ups everywhere.
- A man with no head has just swam across the English channel, "He's accomplished his dream!" onlookers presume
- Perfidious EU members kidnap Donald Trump, turn him into a walrus, Trump surprisingly okay with it (Pictured)
- Michigan man has just earned his 29th degree, is still jobless
- Local Twister game fails to turn sexual, to the chagrin of Wisconsin man.
- U.K's first hand transplant patient masturbates for the first time, has crisis of sexuality after technically being wanked by another man
- Oregon man is first to forget 9/11, "It's a lot to remember!" he says suspiciously...
- ... that José Mourinho would prefer really not to speak, if he speaks he is in big trouble. If he speaks he's in big trouble and he doesn't want to be in big trouble.
- ... that New York financier Jeffrey Epstein opened a school for impoverished young girls somewhere in the Caribbean?
- ... that one of the major themes in Kurt Vonnegut's work was that technology is almost always beneficial and will cause no harm to humanity?
- ... that Erich Hartmann, inspired by the success of Red Baron Pizza, released his own line of Blond Knight Casseroles?
- ... that if you're lucky, the skippers at Disney's Jungle Cruise will skip the jokes entirely and just stare at you in silence?
| “ | I survived because the fire inside burned brighter than the fire around me. I fell down into that dark chasm, but the flame burned on and on. | ” |
— Joshua Graham, former Legate
| ||
-
Art
Peak pretentiousness -
Business
Money, money, money! -
Comedy
The science of funny -
Culinary
Food for the soul -
Film
Enter the Matrix -
Games
Recess time -
Gay
A gay ol' time -
Geography
Get lost -
History
Factually wrong -
Literature
Literally illiterate -
Internet
A series of tubes -
Music
Rock on! -
Politics
Politically incorrect -
People
The people's portal -
Religion
Speak of the Devil -
Science
Playing to be God -
Society
We live in one -
Technology
Breaking stuff easier -
Television
Turn your brain off -
Theatre
To be or not to be -
Video Games
Better than sex -
Zoology
Beware of furries -
Portals
Meta-Portal -
Community
The Community -
Main Page
The Uncyclopedia
