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Portal:People

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The People Portal
Normal people

The following text is from a pamphlet which was seen drifting down from a clear sky one Sunday afternoon. It's not known what sort of creature might have dropped it, but it was apparently something which lives in the sky.

People make the very best pets! They're more affectionate than pythons, they're easier to litter train than guinea pigs, they take up less space than elephants, and they don't need a fancy salt water filtration system in their tank the way dolphins do. Furthermore, unlike trees, they're mobile, so you can easily take them with you when you move. If you don't want your pet to die, get a human! They can live over 100 years! There are a few things you should know in order to get the most out of your human, and that's what this page is for. It contains everything you need to know to get off to a good start! (See more...)

Featured Biography
Mothafuckin Vacuum Cleaner.jpg

Samuel L. Vacuum is an African-American/Vacuum (Blackuum) actor who does not like mothersucking dust on his mothersucking carpet.

While it is certainly arguable that the above sentence, which took me an approximate amount of a month to get precisely the right pacing and accenting, is not in the slightest bit funny, I must contest. You may have reached toward the "Edit" button atop the screen, perhaps to add a deletion tag or perhaps add some qualified wittiness, such as perhaps claiming that Mr. Samuel L. Vacuum "raped Tim Allen in the ass", or perhaps was "the inventor of ragtime music." Both of these viable options would not serve as a suitable addition to a sentence... nay, masterpiece, of this quality because I have specific reasons to counter you, as I am well prepared, and you are not.

Shaming any mindless garbage that you have come up with, the perfection of a sentence that I have come up with contains a key element in wit; wordplay. Like Shakespeare himself, my tireless mind has come up with a brand new word made by cleverly integrating the ordinary, boring words black and vacuum to produce a brand new one: Blackuum. I have little to no doubt that in time, this word will find its way into every dictionary you could possibly find, and that I will have left my landmark on language itself.

Featured Image
CorpseFlower.jpg
This rare and beautiful flower has the same effect as the head of Medusa, but it obviously resembles Dick Cheney.
Image by Safcdude
People in the News
It's good to cry. It separates us from the animals.
Did You Know?
  • ... that Queen Victoria and Prince Albert made love inside every room at Buckingham Palace? It is said one can still hear their romps echoing through the royal halls.
  • ... that TV presenter and child-predator catcher Chris Hansen was once accosted by a man known as "The Booty Warrior"?
  • ... that one of the major themes in Kurt Vonnegut's work was that technology is almost always beneficial and will cause no harm to humanity?
  • ... that Penn and Teller have performed at the Rio Hotel in Las Vegas for the last 20 years, and will bring towels and soft drinks to your room if asked politely?
  • ... that Erich Hartmann, inspired by the success of Red Baron Pizza, released his own line of Blond Knight Casseroles?
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