Babe Ruth
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| Cause of death | Cancer brought upon by partying too hard |
| Occupation | Pimp, competitive eater, alcoholic, First Sultan of The Swing, baseball player |
| Years active | 1914-35 |
| Spouse(s) | Two beer bottles |
| Children | 2 |
Sultan Babe NotGeorge Ruth of The Swing (February 6, 1895 - August 16, 1942) was a famous pimp, competitive eater, and beer connoisseur who played ball in his spare time, though he wasn't very good. The baseball king was actually George Ruth, who you know is a completely different person based on his first name.
Early Life[edit | edit source]
George Ruth and Babe Ruth were born identical twins in AD 714, but were separated at birth. George was taken in by the New York Yankees and Babe was taken in by a factory which made both beer and Krispy Kreme donuts. Babe would later become famous as a consumer of both. His mother Martha Stewart taught Babe how to bird watch from an early age. Babe would frequently point to the sky to point out the different birds he knew.
Mid-life[edit | edit source]
Like any middle age man, Babe had a crisis. In response, he doubled the amount of beer, donuts, and bitches that he had; he also bought a motorcycle. In a tragic accident at a candy factory, Babe plowed through the wall and crashed into the chocolate line, but kept going through the caramel line and peanuts line. This caused him to aqquire a large tumor that continuously regenerated despite the best efforts of the world's top surgeons. Eventually, big business stepped in and abducted him, using his tumor to create a popular candy bar, the Baby Ruth. Ruth's body died a few years after, but his tumor's still in some government warehouse, producing delicious candy for us to eat. Babe's favorite food was penis. he munched on them happily throughout his career to get the home run record an interseting alternative to steriods (Yup, we're lookin' at you, Barry Bonds.
How not to confuse George with Babe[edit | edit source]
George Ruth and Babe Ruth are very often confused with each other. Below is a beginner's guide to the differences between these men.
- George was a player; Babe was a bum
- George could hit a ball well; Babe could hit on ladies very well.
- George had a good heater; Babe was a good eater, leader and wife beater
- George had riches; Babe had bitches
Miscellaneous accomplishments[edit | edit source]
Babe's accomplishments are many.
- Inspired Takeru Kobayashi.
- When the Ruth and Kobayashi met they had a hot dog eating contest. Ruth won, 164-47.
- Employed as a beer taste tester, he gave the thumbs up to exquisite beers such as Natural Light.
- Often bragged about getting up to a dozen women on a bad night.
- As a side note, he hit 1111111111111111111111114 career home runs, 32 of which took place in a Japanese league.
- Got so hungry between at-bats one game, he consumed three bat-boys and a pinch-hitter
- Threw out the first bad guy at Yankee Stadium
- Famously pointed at which woman in the stands he was going to take home after the game before hitting home runs.