Unquotable:Last words

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Last words from ignoble men, women, etc. throughout history.

M A I N   P A G E

Oscar WildeWinston Churchill
AnonymousAlbert Einstein
Christopher WalkenSun-Tzu
Benjamin FranklinMark Twain
Thomas JeffersonNoel Coward
Arthur C. ClarkeWilliam Shatner
Bill GatesYodaAristotle
Charles DarwinSwedish Chef
VoltaireJohn F. Kennedy
Adolf HitlerKeanu Reeves
George Washington
Dan Quayle
Captain ObliviousNostradamus


GodJesus ChristCthulhuSatan

See Also

Welcome, n00bz!Tackiness Manual
Quoting PolicyQuotable People
Deep ThoughtsEpitaphs
MnemonicsHamletHELP !

A-List Figures[edit]

“Oh, how I vainly wished to the bearded man in the sky that I was Neapolitan. Why? So I could bring in a fine Neapolitan pest control to help with Queensberry's problem before it gets out of hand.”

Satan is gay. he is the worst hell ruler EVER he suxs. He sent me to hell!!!! because i didnt go to church every sunday. Even though it wasnt my fault. i dot like him and niobody does because he is gay and red and horned and hoofed and evil. i wish he will gats killedby gods host of angels and goes to another dimentsen or a gay retared place. he is GAY GAY GAY GAY!!!!! HE IS THE WORST DEMON EVER. HE IS SO BAD. I HOPE HE GET SOME CRUCIFIX.”

“...and now, Miss Moneypenny, you know why I always wanted my martinis served shaken and not stirred.”

“Nyarlathotep, agpa'x ibh'hnsp fl'bsi' zoxkj qwoie'iru'aweni' R'lyeh cnisn fhko'sdih f'oshoi. Jhu'ugvio agif fl'bsi' w'weg fhtagn. ‘Cthulhu Fhtagn'hfu’ 'fkwi'qiu sqiqw 'fdas'odhgos ‘Cthulhu Qwoie'iru'awenhfu’.”

“Nyarlathotep, don't tell the mortals that I'm taking a beauty nap in R'Lyeh for a couple eons. Just say that I'm dead. ‘Cthulhu the Dead Lord’ sounds way better than ‘Cthulhu the Lord Who's Beauty Sleeping’.”

~ Cthulhu (translated)

“Alas, it looks like those unsubstantiated rumours about me are about to come true after all this time...”

“These are my last words.”

“I'll be back!”

“Satan, what are YOU doing here??? But... but... I was expecting the archangel Gabriel! We ARE going to heaven aren't we? AREN'T WE?!”

“I'd rather use Windows and Internet Explorer in Hell than I'd use Linux and Mozilla Firefox in Heaven!”

“Hang on a minute, I'm just gonna take a short nap again...”

“It is not death that I'm apparently now succumbing to, but the rapid diminishment of lifeforce from this body of mine.”

“Look, this isn't going to be like that awful time when I had to spend a few days in jail, is it? Cause that was really really horrible! Waaaaaaahhhhh!”

“Death is the true birth of human life.”

“I'm dying?!?!?!

“I'm fine. I'm just waiting for Thanatos to come for a visit.

“I absolutely and unconditionally regret, remorse, and above all, am sorry for the truth and realization that I've neglected, dishonored, and ruined my chance, opportunity, and moment to spend my time on Earth, Terra, or the Earthly Realm with, amongst, and together among my offspring, scions, heirs, children, minors, sons, and daughters.”

“Oh crap, of all the days of the year I could forget my whip at home, why oh WHY did it had to happen today of all days?!”

“Me, dying? Oh, so I guess those vitamin C pills I took this morning didn't work after all...”

~ Captain Sarcasm

“I doubleplusluv B.B.”

“I unlife.”

“I unlife.”

“Maybe, just maybe, I should not have used the word "eldritch" so many times now that I think about it...”

That stupid public bus copied me when it started charging 50¢ for a ride.

“You have slain me, Evil One. But I shall rise again when you repent your wicked, debauched ways!”

~ Sir Uncyclopedia

“I admit it! Wikipedia is just a humor site that parodies Uncyclopedia!”

~ Jimbo Wales (Sir Uncyclopedia then miraculously resurrected to forgive the former Evil One and re-embark upon his crusade against evil.)

“Don't worry I'll just come out of the ground later and recite Thriller”

“I just got a splendid idea: I'll just retcon myself into an immortal elf and head off for Valinor! Quickly, where is my pencil?”

“Little one, are you really eighteen?”

~ Roberto Carlos Braga on dying while violating a girl

“Let's see which one of us can run faster all the way throughout Brazil.”

B-List Figures[edit]

“Laugh while you still can, feeble mortals! For though you may appear to have me at a temporary disadvantage, rest assure that my appearent imminent death is but a momentary distraction for my loyal minions to penetrate the Royal Regiment of Pseudoistan where the Council thought in their folly they could hide the Crystal of Resurrection from me! Though you knaves may now possess the fabled Sword-That-Was-Once-Broken, even in death I shall have victory over you ignorant yokels, for even as we speak my nine sons and their faithful underlings are implementing the final stages of my grand masterplan and once the Crystal has been brought to my secret stronghold, I shall live again, and the world shall be mine!!! Muaaaahahahahahahahaaa!!!”

Clark, there is something important I never got to tell you. You have to hear it: I... am... Batman...”

“The only thing I wish for now is that some idiot won't actually decide to take that trite garbage I wrote when I was bored for real and make a religion out of it or something. I mean, who could be THAT stupid?”


“In Soviet Russia, last words say YOU!!”

“Verdammt! All the food in the bunker ran out! Oh well, I guess we have no choice but to eat these guns. Careful with that gun, Eva, 'cause if it's loaded and you touch the trigger, it'll...”

“Tune in, turn on, drop out.”

“P. S. George Lucas, I hate you.”

~ Alec Guinness

“I was a lifelong atheist, so chances are, I'll be meeting other people.”

“I'll prove to Leonard once and for all that you can swim even with rocks stuffed into your clothes.”

“Shit. I still don't have any good ideas for an Infinite Jest sequel! Maybe I'll think of something if I asphyxiate myself.”

“Father, the Pharisees are not at fault for my death. In fact, smite only those who persecute the innocent Jewish people, especially those hypocrites who do so in my Name...

~ Jesus (Matthew 3:14)

“Thank God these tickets were free, Mary. This play really su...”

“Yeah, yeah, I know the Mafia is pissed and all that over my legislation. But for God's sake, Jackie, I'm the friggin' president! They can't lay a finger on m...”

“I finally found my old Beretta from the Spanish Civil War. I wonder if it still wor...”

“Paulie said these sleeping pills really work. I'd be dead if they don't!”

“Newman said these sleeping pills really work. I'd be deader than Marilyn Monroe if they don't!”

“Old Man Paulie said these sleeping pills really work. I'd be deader than Elvis if they don't!”

“Mr. Newman said these sleeping pills really work. I'd be deader than Anna Nicole if they don't!”

“Lastly, Father, I confess to giving out placebo pills to other celebrities as a prank throughout my career. No! The pills weren't poisoned — the celebrities died from sleep deprivation!”

~ Paul Newman


~ Robert Anton Wilson


“Eh... eleven?”

~ Some complete illiterate idiot

C-List Figures[edit]

“You guys, surely that strange new member who joined our flock today has some unusually nasty sharp teeth for being a sheep, doesn't he?”

~ A sheep (translated from Baaish language)

“I am dying, you claim? Do you have a neutral secondary source to back up that unverified, biased statement?”

~ A Wikipedia editor

“WTF n00b, U z/\¥ I B |}3/\|} s00n, ROFL? DiZ suXX0r”

~ A nerd

“Oh, NO!!!”

“Hulk not dying! Hulk is the strongest there is! Hulk SMASH puny Grim Reaper! Puny Grim Reaper makes Hulk mad!”

“Just... one... more... turn...”

~ Civilization IV player

“The end, today??? But... what then will become of my weekly plastic surgery session I have scheduled up for tomorrow?”

~ Jocelyne Wildenstein

“You know what? I should run for president in 1980 as the first gay candida... Dan White? What the fuck are you doing here?”

~ Harvey Milk

“Emma, have you ever had a feeling that my entire lifetime of work will only lead to more racial hatred, pseudoscience, and hilarious nonsense?”

Friedrich, have you ever had a feeling that our entire lifetimes of work will only lead to more wars, oppression, and pretentious T-shirts?”

“So what if the Mafia's pissed off at me? For God's sakes, Ethel, I'm just a senator. I'm too small for the Mafia to even ca...”

~ Robert F. Kennedy

“I only regret that I have but one life to give to a global corporate empire of the future.”

~ Nathan Hale

“The only thing I hate more than cosmic evil is those pretentious hippies who mindlessly holler names of Hindu deities without giving a shit as to why.”

“I just hope those godforsaken Chinamen won't depict me with a friggin' beer belly. I mean, seriously, even in my hedonistic days I never reached the obesity mark.”

“God, if my epic journey is ever made into a Hollywood film, please don't have an NRA redneck act as me.”


“Today is my lucky day!!”

“Mew, mew”

~ a cat

“Woof, woof”

~ a dog

“That food looks delicious”

~ Bob

“These are my last words”

“If everything goes right I'll have that tree down in 30 minutes. If everything goes wrong I'll have it down in 2”

“Dear passengers, this is just a minor turbulence. We will reach the airport in half an hour.”

~ A flight attendtant