User:NaturalBornKieler/TranslationLab2
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The Star Trek Universe is the setting of the famous Star Trek TV series and movies. Gene Roddenberry, creator of Star Trek, originally wanted to produce it in our universe but was unable to obtain filming permission. This meantt he had to switch to another universe. This turned out to be a stroke of luck, because the universe he finally chose has some unique features and is far more interesting than our boring and dull one. It teems with heroes, villains, empty-headed aliens, physical anomalies and black logic holes.
The United Federation of Planets[edit | edit source]
- Yes, there is a main article about the United Federation of planets, but for a short and concise executive summary you could as well stay here.
The United Federation of Planets was founded in the 21st century by George W. Bush to act against an evil dwarf planet that refused to cough up its oil reserves. At this time, the federation was still called the Coalition of the Willing.
The way of life in the federation is paradisiac. Money is no longer used - and no longer needed; everything you need can be provided by a replicator in an instant. The device is able to understand natural language - for example commands like "Tea, Earl Grey, 180 degrees" - "Cereal, organic production, fair trade" or - "miniskirt, Italian design, anti-gravitational coating" ... If anyone insists on using money there is still a currency called federation dollar which can be produced by replicators as well.
In the federation, the human race has overcome war, disease, folk music, sports and all other known scourges of humanity and replaced them by political correctness. If, for example, the captain of a starship is a self-satisfied white American, the communications officer has to be a sexy African woman and the navigator a Russian drunkard with a strong accent. If, furthermore, the job of science officer goes to an alien and the engineer is a Scottish loudmouth, it is okay to have another self-satisfied white American as a doctor on board.
The Prime Directive[edit | edit source]
- True, there is a main article about the Prime Directive somewhere but you just started to read here so you can as well continue.
In the federation all sorts of retarded laws are made but the primary rule is: Do not interfere in things that are not your concern. This rule was implemented after a certain starship captain (name withheld) had contaminated dozens of alien civilizations with his big mouth, wild brawls or uncontrollable emission of bodily fluids. Since then all starship crews are strictly ordered to collect even their waste chewing gum wrapping when they leave a planet. Not that it changes anything, most foreing worlds are already corrupt beyond help or will fall into the hands (or tentacles) of less scrupulous life forms then.
Alien life forms[edit | edit source]
Besides humans, the Star Trek universe also harbours numerous intelligent life forms. The most intelligent of them are the Vulcans. Vulcans are humans who one day found out that stupidity is located in the outer human ear. Therefore every Vulcan cuts most of it off early in his life. Vulcans are most notable for their superhuman ability to restrain their own emotions and desires. Only every seven years, some suppressed hormones find their way into the blood circle of a Vulcan. This time is called the Porn Farr. During this time span, a Vulcan will savage everything with pointed ears, even a sledge dog.
Another alien race is the Andorian, a human with blue skin and strange antennas on his head which he swings to and fro all the time, scanning for porn channels.
All intelligent life forms in the Star Trek universe are of course humans, truth be told. They have two legs, two arms, two eyes, two ears, mouth and nose, the usual sexual characteristics and so on. To convert them to credible aliens, they get special pimples, warts, bulges, and wrinkles, or a ridiculous hairdo. Improved make-up technology and computer animation lately allowed for real alien-looking aliens in the Star Trek universe (a fact that is disliked by some starship crews - the members of a landing party mostly prefer the humanoid variant of an alien when looking for sex contacts).
The bad guys[edit | edit source]
Of course, the total harmony of the federation is boring beyond words. Fortunately the Star Trek universe is also populated and harrassed by a couple of unspeakable villains and unpredictably dangerous species.
For example, the Klingons - a species of scrap metal peddlers who weld their ragtag spaceships from junk metal parts. They have an abominable hairstyle and their hair is terribly greasy. For this reason, they harbour a deep hate of all good-looking species. Reluctantly they sometimes agree to some cooperation with the federation, but this goodwill quickly dissolves as soon as the federation establishes the next set of stricter environmental constraints.
Then there are the Romulans - they are descendants of the Vulcans who have read too many Asterix comics and now believe that they are the ancient Romans and need to receive a pounding now and then.
The worst villains of them all are the Borg - a species of vigil coma patients who always carry their life support systems with them. They have the ultimate goal to place the whole world in an artificial coma. Well, at least they have a goal at all. They cruise the universe with oversized intensive care units and look for new patients. Resistance is futile, just like with any other sort of medical treatment.
Technology[edit | edit source]
Gene Roddenberry and his co-authors already had access to Uncyclopedia (due to a dimensional distortion of the satire continuum, a long story ...) and intensively studied the article HowTo:Make Cheesy Sci-Fi. Accordingly, the Star Trek universe was furnished with the most viewer-friendly physical and logical attributes.
The Warp drive[edit | edit source]
All spaceships in the Star Trek universe are equipped with Einstein compensators. They can travel faster than light (and even then you can see their headlights). The acceleration force needed is not particularly remarkable - when you have a well-cushioned swivel chair you will be fine. Also, time is not distorted in the unhandy way Einstein told us. You can travel at light speed for years and when you return home, your wife is not aged particularly. However, she might have run off with a used car dealer.
Transporter technology[edit | edit source]
One of the coolest devices in the Star Trek universe: the transporter. Gene Roddenberry found out that the human organism consists of a sort of Lego bricks. You can disassemble it and rebuild it identically at another place. The whole process is surprisingly fast - when a spaceship explodes near to you, there is enough time to rescue the crew by beaming them out, so that life capsules or rescue vans are completely obsolete. Of course the transporter is always configured in a way that makes sure no unwanted things like germs, bill collectors or too long skirts are beamed along.
Safety[edit | edit source]
The Star Trek universe always allows access to special high security areas, authorized or not. For this purpose, next to every security door there is a maintenance panel. If you open that you will find a couple of colourful plexiglass chips you simple need to re-plug in order to open the security door without any hassle.
Phasers[edit | edit source]
The bad guys (see above) use evil disruptors and other sorts of banned weapons of mass destruction, but the federation has only politically correct energy weapons. The phaser can, according to momentary requirement, be set to kill or to stun. Most enemies, deep in their alien hearts, are actually fine and lovable characters even if they do not realize it themselves. After combat you can wake them up again and have a grave word with them, so that they recognize and renounce their evil ways. If that does not work, another combat round will follow and you will reluctantly have to set the phaser one pitch higher.
Some crew members like to set the phaser to "doze off" and turn it to themselves in order to enjoy a night of refreshing slumber. This is very convenient in most cases, except when the red alert is sounded and they are very difficult to raise.
By the way, the phaser was not invented by weapon inventors originally, but by a cleaning company on Vulcan. Before the phaser was invented, fights on board of a starship were fought with old-fashioned ballistical firearms, and when the fight was over, the cleaning personnel had to remove huge amounts of blood (in different colours) and unsavoury alien carcasses from starship corridors. At that time a mere cleaning woman had a better wage than a starship engineer, because it was a really dirty job. This changed when the phaser was introduced: if configured correctly, a phaser will not only kill an evil alien monster, it will disintegrate it without leaving ugly spots on the floor. In this process not even the carpet will be singed, because the phaser can distinguish on a molecular basis between evil alien and precious carpeting.
Hallucination technology[edit | edit source]
Modern starships are equipped with hallucination projectors. Big ships normally have a so-called hallucination deck where crewmembers can try alternate realities, different shoe colours or new love positions with aliens. Hallugraphic projection has an enormous therapeutical value for a crew that is confined to the limits of a small spaceship for months. On the other hand, difficulties to distinguish between realities might occur. There have been instances of starship captains who tried to stop the simulation when they were in the middle of losing a space fight, only to find that this particular reality was not simulated at the moment.
There are also mobile hallugraphic units. They were introduced first as replacement ship's doctors but later, when the technology was really beginning to get cheap, they were used everywhere, for example as actors, cameramen, directors, producers, and even as TV consumers.
