User:Bloopy/Clock Day
What is Clock Day?[edit | edit source]
Clock Day is a yearly celebration held by the Clock Crew of Newgrounds every August 15th. Clock Day is a day for the Clock Crew to worship their god B and the birth of His son, the lord saviour Strawberry Jesus. On this day, the Clock Crew and Clock Crew fans flock in their thousands to Newgrounds to cast offerings of Flash into the Portal. This is the largest religious pilgrimage in the known Internet. It is said that the Portal is a vortex connected via a warp in space-time to the heavens, where B lives as the leader of a pearly white sentence. Exactly what that sentence is, nobody knows... except perhaps Chuck Norris.
Strawberry Jesus[edit | edit source]
“At first I thought I was having a spastic fit, but when that hideously ugly thing popped out of me, I reached for some toilet paper.”
Strawberry Jesus was born a healthy but misshapen boy on August 15th 2001, to the virgin mother Penny Bain. Strawberry Jesus brought to Earth the wisdom of B in all His holy glory. When Strawberry Jesus was born, he saw his mother frowning at Newgrounds and decided to check it out. Strawberry Jesus noted that the souls of Newgrounds would be perfect disciples, and he set about preaching the good word of B to them in a form that they would understand; a form known as Flash.
Over time, Strawberry Jesus gathered hundreds of disciples who accepted B as their true god and creator, and this following became known as the Clock Crew. This name stems from the fact that Strawberry Jesus has a clock for a face, as does the name of Clock Day. The members of the Clock Crew have all willingly peeled their own face off and replaced it with a clock. Nearly all have chosen analog clocks, as digital clocks have a habit of glowing in the dark when it rains, and this makes it difficult to sleep.
All disciples of Strawberry Jesus are processed in an Objectification machine. This machine is designed to simulate Strawberry Jesus' descent from the heavens, when he took on the physical form of a strawberry. The Objectification machine turns each disciple into a unique everyday object such as a baseball bat or a microfiche reader. Once Objectified, the disciple then dons their clock face and legally changes their name based on the object which they have become. At this point they are considered a member of the Clock Crew. Example names include Pineapple Clock, Bicycle Pump Clock, and Depleted Uranium Penetrator Clock.
| † The Holy Family of the Jesii † | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
The Sacred Host of Major Jesii
The So-So Company of Other Jesii
The Abandoned Hallway of Unwanted Jesii
The Sacred Host of Minor Jesii
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The virgin mother Penny Bain[edit | edit source]
“At first I couldn't imagine how Penny Bain managed to remain a virgin all that time. That was until I saw her face.”
“The virgin mother Penny Bain didn't remain a virgin for much longer, I shagged her rotten baby yeah! What a minx!”
Penny Bain is a Godzilla-like creature who has ironically waged war against Newgrounds for centuries to try and get them to put more pornography up. Seeing her son was converting Newgrounds users to the way of B, she backed off and waited, making secret plans to manipulate Newgrounds through her son once he gained more power. However, once the Clock Crew got quite large, there was a bit of conflict, and Strawberry Jesus took a break for a while. Strawberry Jesus has since returned and started regaining his power, and Clock Day is a bigger event than ever before. Somewhere in an attic in some big old house on some farm near some town in the middle of nowhere in some state in the middle of some country somewhere in the middle of some continent named North America, Penny Bain waits.