UnNews:Jesus is back

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

12 April 2009

Jesus asks God the Father which Pagans to eat first.

WASILLA, Alaska -- Today is Easter Sunday, and we remember that Christ died on the cross, hibernated for three days, and rose from the dead, transformed by a wrathful God the Father into Raptor Jesus. For nearly two millennia, Raptor Jesus or "RJ" has risen from the dead every Easter to hunt pagans and Christian apostates.

Former vice-presidantial candidate Sarah Palin attended services at the Church of the Fruit Bat Loony, where evangelical minister Mordecai Moderate-Swelling preached a message of hope and peace for Christians, and some other monotheists. "This year, we pray that Raptor Jesus will return America to small town Americans, real Americans who will praise His Name and spy on their neighbors for security's sake," said the barely-educated but not left behind Reverend Swelling. "We pray, oh Lord, that George Bush be miraculously restored to power for a third term, that government keeps its hand off our guns, and abortion becomes a death penalty offense."

The only remaining denomination still devoted to Raptor Jesus are the Lutherans.

According to Lutheran tradition, Raptor Jesus was hatched for the purpose of eating pagans, and replacing them with Christians. This led to the Boxer Rebellion, and eventually, bunnies.

All over the world, on this, Christianity's holiest day, children will gorge themselves on eggs, chocolate, and sweetened dung beetles. Bunnies will be eaten whole as church bells ring, and all of Christendom will rejoice.

Pagans and Wall Street brokers should probably hide until after midnight, when RJ will return to His almighty hibernation for another year. Doing so will greatly reduce their chances of being eaten.

Sources

• Armand Chlamydia "Happy Easter, dork" New York Times, April 12, 2009

† The Holy Family of the Jesii †

The Sacred Host of Major Jesii Fear their wrath, and beware their contrived names. If you are still confused about which one you want, it's probably Original Jesus. Main Jesii Original Jesus: Hey, hey, hey, it's the Jee Man himself! Original Jesus's Crackhead Twin Half-Brother: Jebus Evil Jesus: Like the Antichrist, but worse. ¿Qué?: Jesús Jesus Christ Sponge: Purge sin and clean your dishes! Don't care if it rains or freezes? You need Plastic Jesus Placebo Jesus : Will never lift a finger for you, no matter what you believe! Your own: Personal Jesus Jesus Hasselhoff: He's everywhere! Jesus' very own Homeland: Jesusland Canadian Jesus: The Second Coming! Not To Be Confused With Super-Gay Jesus: Gay Jesus MicroJesus: A teeny, tiny Jesus that forgives all of your teeny, tiny sins. Jesus saves (leftovers): Jesusware Jesus was Christian, NOT Jewish: Enough said. But what If Jesus had lived in America? The So-So Company of Other Jesii Fear their wrath, and beware their contrived names. If you are still confused about which one you want, you were probably much better off with Original Jesus. Monster Jesii Jesusaurus Rex: The tyrant Jesus...lizard Save yourself from Werejesus! Raptor Jesus: Nazareth Park is frightening in the dark And they said Jesus rode on a Mule...Nyah!:Llama Jesus Attack of the 500 foot Jesus: New York, watch out! This Jesus loves your brains...: Zombie Jesus Munchie Jesii Jam Jesus: With a name like 'Jam Jesus', it has to be good. Savour the Saviour: Cheese Jesus Jesus Juice: An Energy Drink...IT'S GOT ELECTROLYTES! A stick the whole family can enjoy!: Sweet Jesus on a Stick! The Abandoned Hallway of Unwanted Jesii Pity them, and feed them table scraps. If you are still confused about which one you want... then you're fucking retarded, bitch! Bad Jesii Atheist Jesus: You won't believe his disbelief... French Jesus: Djesus Piss Christ: Ewww! You crack my back, I'll crack yours: Chiropractor Jesus Communist Jesus: In Soviet Russia, Jesus dies for YOU! Pestering your grandpa's social media: AI Jesus Republican Jesus: Has a "W" sticker on his SUV And for anyone we've missed out on: Society of Jesus The Sacred Host of Minor Jesii Fear their wrath, and beware their confusing names. If you are confused about which one you want to know to know it is it is yes, babs, it's probably Original Jesus. Funny Jesii Prehistoric Jesus: The find of the century. Pictorial retrospective of the Life and Times of: Lorem Ipsum Jesus Hide and Go Jesus: The hardest one to find Raise one family and you will be a believer: Pet Jesus Sweet smoking Jesus: What would Jesus smoke? Try our new McWine(TM)!: McJesus Musical Jesii Disco Jesus: Knows how to love you The Jewish Rap Sensation: MC Jesus Rockstar Jesus: Singer and Songwriter Sabbath Night Fever: The Bee-Jesus Twisted Jesii Jesus 1.5a: An alpha prototype Christ. Blue in hue and bereft of beard too: Bizarro Jesus Jesus Christ - Alcoholic: He drank too much wine at the last supper. Semi-Jesus anthropormorphic personification: Messiah Jesus Marx: Illegal Commie Clone He's blonde, cultish, and "not" a Nazi: Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints Pseudo-Jesii Stephen Colbert: Smiting Bears for in God's name Patron Jesus of Crocodiles: Steve Irwin Kyle Broflovski: The Passion of the Jew He screams! He sells! His head EXPLODES! BILLY MAYS Jesus LaBrie: That one in that band...Nightmare Cinema or something. Exiled from Babylon: Rasta Jesus Accordion Jesus: Saves you from pop music. Something musical: The Artist Formerly Known As Jesus Jihad Jesus: جهاد عيسي Jesus was a brutha: Black Jesus If you are still unsatisfied with these Jesii, you can always check out even... More Jesii