Lutheranism (also Luth'r'nism, Luciferianism) is a form of some religon founded by Herr Martin Luther sometime during the 1500s. Scholars generally agree that the exact year was 1517, but no one really cares. Herr Martin Luther was an obese loser who couldn't have Catholicism his way, so he broke off from that Church to make a new Church. Also at the end of their services, its quite normal to say "Heil Luther!". In fact, Luther's "Revised Order for the Lord's Supper" ends with the phrase "Gloria Lutero!" (Latin: "Gloria, gloriae", glory; Lutero ("Luter, Luteroris") to Luther)
Lutherans, with their JesusMech XX342, the Lutheran Hyksos cruelly invaded Egypt and destroyed it. What is amazing... and evil... about this is that it was a thousand or so years before Jesus and just 40 years after the invention of Mechs in Mesopotamia (literally "land of pot smokers").
Vin Diesel(who is also Mega Man xXx) is widely believed to be Lutheran, because of his tendencies to be a complete jackass under the false veil of being a "gentle tough guy." During the making of the movie The Pacifier, for instance, Diesel ate the first three actors for the movie's infant child. After the third, they used a doll. Other highly acclaimed Lutherans include Karl Marx, Garrison Keillor, and the Munchkin coroner from the "Wizard of Oz."
Sadly, Lutheranism (also known as Lutheranity, Luthernia, Lutha, Big Luth, and many other ridiculously stupid names) only appeals to a few million people, because smart and good looking people hate fat people. And now you know the rest of the story(See alsoSaint Cyril and Methodious Class of 2000 yearbook).
Specific breeds of Lutherans include mainstream/liberal, conservative, and orthodox. Mainstream/liberal Lutherans are noted for their red tail feathers, though debatably they are not actually Lutherans. Orthodox Lutherans are noted for their distinctly scarlet red tail feathers. This breed claims to have been created by Herr Luther himself, and not by "just any man" (this breed also tends to deify Herr Luther), and argue that the mainstream Lutherans are not obese enough to be classified as real Lutherans. Orthodox Lutherans are scarce, but if you see one be sure not to stare directly into its face because this is rumored to turn men to stone. No women have been brave enough to look directly at such a Lutheran, so it is now known whether the same results are so of them.
Historically, Lutheran theology accepts the theory of Personal Infallibility. This is the concept that everyone except the Pope, Catholics, or other non-Lutherans, are able to interpret the scriptures how ever they want with no chance of error. They also believe that since the death of Jesus, all sin is negated for followers of Christianity. This allows them to lead completely-guilt free lives of sin and debauchery while still being guaranteed entry to Heaven. Even the well-known author Oscar Wilde once mentioned: "Of people in general, there are two classes of people. The first and the second. Surely Lutherans fall into one of those two classes of people."
Relocation Programs[edit | edit source]
It is a requirement of Lutherans to bring a Jello mold to all potluck dinners their church may hold. If a Lutheran is found without, they are to be exiled to Lake Wobegon, Minnesota, USA. There, you will be tourtured in a Lutheran church basement by the resident KGB agent used to "increase" the proportion of church attenders by assassinating those whose churchly feelings occur but twice a year.
The Benevolent & Protective Order of ELCAs has utterly taken over the State of North Dakota and are to be creditied for keeping the Canadian wolves from descending upon US all!
Lutheran Theory of Communion[edit | edit source]
“ "This is my body" is CLEARLY to be understood as "my body lurketh, magically, yet illocally, in, with, and under this object" not "this locally is my body" as the impious Romanists suggest, nor "this represents my body" as the vile Zwinglians suppose.”
“ A Mighty Fortess Is Our God, a Bulwark Never Failing”
Perhaps the most strange of all Lutheran dogomas is the theory of the Sacramental Union, which states that the literal meaning of "is" is "contain", and can never ever ever mean "locally is" or "represent", and anyone who asserts otherwise is an unsaved heretic.
Those holding to a spiritual view of Communion (for example, all other protestants) have often asserted that the theory of the Sacramental Union leads to Monophysitism. Lutherans generally respond to these types of statements by accusing their opponents of the opposite heresy of Nestorianism, or, more often, childish name calling. Non-Lutheran Protestants commonly respond to these accusations by point out the morbid obesity of most, if not all, Lutheran theologians. At this point, most Lutherans with start screaming "THIS IS MY BODY!!!" as though it accomplishes something, denounce all non-Lutherans as an unsaved heretics, and finish the discussion by saying "screw you guys, I'm going home".
Lutheran Theory of Communism[edit | edit source]
Lutherans are highly in favor of and in agreement to all the rules and policies stated in Communism, considering one of their members, a Jew-turned-into-Lutheran, Karl Marx was in fact the creator of Communism. Not to mention Hitler, who was baptized as a Catholic, who practised Paganism, who persecuted Jews and Catholics, but not Lutherans (until the very end of the war, when it was just about the same who was persecuted), for some reason - mainly because he pwned a Lutheran country. Basically, the Lutheran religion is very much similar to communism simply because they were both thought up by complete genii except communism failed and lutheranism has not proved to be a failure, in fact a huge success. (and they were both German as was Nietzshe).
The greatest successes, so far, of Lutheran Communism have been the Nordic states - Denmark, Finland, Iceland, Norway and Sweden. Lutheranism has successfully combined the Jewish business ethics with Catholic sexual morals, and produced five countries where socialism acutally works. Or at least the Scandinavians like being naked, having nothing but one apple and thinking they live in the paradise.and justin bieber was his best friendd.
ELC-GAY[edit | edit source]
ELCA Lutherans voted on August 21, 2009, to allow homosexual clergy to practice in the church much to the chagrin of the majority of the membership. Voting delegates were hand picked to rig the vote in 4 seperate attempts over an 8 year period. Bishop Mark S. Hanson (fag hag) said he would not allow indvidual members to vote on this matter because it would be too devisive (translation - he could not control the outcome). Other Lutheran denominations were quick to distance themslves after they heard that during voting a tornado appeared in downtown Minneapolis seemingly out of nowhere and tracked through the covention center and broke the cross off of the church steeple across the street. Homosexual cergy were quoted as saying, "Wow! That was so queer!", but made no other connection to the event that even blew away local weather forecasters. National news did not pick up on the event as they are atheist liberals who do not belive in God anyway and therefor lack any objective journalism reporting abilities.
The vote to allow homosexual clergy to practice in the church was 66.666%. No Biblical symbolism there.
While Hanson still proclaims the ELCA having 4.6 million members, 5% of the 10,000 congregations before the gayizonation process have now left this denomination making one wonder how Hanson passed high school math. Homosexuals are now fully in control of the ELCA web page at Wiki making real news or truth impossible to find there... and making that page even funnier.