Stormtrooper (Star Wars)
“It's probably another drill.”
“Oh shit!”
“Only Imperial Stormtroopers are that precise.”
“Look sir, a droid.”
“Wilhelm scream!”
“The force was with that throw!”
“How about we meet up later and I can show you how I can throw with the force?”
“Is it just me or is this armor made of plastic?”
Imperial Stormtroopers, or Stormtroopers for short, or just Troopers for even shorter, were the nominally feared enforcers of the Galactic Empire in a galaxy a significant time ago and unbelievably, really far away. Known for their complex, useful and distinctive white body armor, as well as their impeccable, deadly accuracy with a zappy stick, stormtroopers were typically the first troops in, the first troops to get blasted, and the first troops to be medevaced from the combat zone. All stormtroopers, despite their service rank designators, were named Mike and enjoyed air hockey, Tang, going to brunch, and Archie comics.
Stormtrooper History[edit | edit source]
Little is known about the history of the stormtroopers, except they were cloned on the planet Kamino by the Kaminoans to serve as the Grand Army of the Republic. Wait, that's more than a little. In fact, there's more. Okay, I was completely wrong - a fair amount is known about stormtroopers.
In those olden days of the Republic, they were called Clone Troopers and everyone loved them, even the Jedi. Well, droids didn't like them, because clone troopers tended to blow droids up. It was more of a love-hate thing, really, but the droids always came back in the end after they ate a tub of ice cream and had a good cry.
But then the Republic became the Empire, and clone troopers became stormtroopers, even though they were still clones and had very little to do with the weather. I don't know, maybe "storm" sounded more fearsome than "clone." Maybe George Lucas was trying to drive home the symbolic connection between the Galactic Empire and Nazi Germany. For Christ's sake, this is Uncyclopedia. Stormtroopers aren't even real. Go play Super Bombad Racing or something, fanboy.
At some point in time, the Nazis shamelessly stole all of the Stormtroopers' philosophies and genocidal tendencies. Scientists describe this as being "a pretty dick move."
Stormtroopers in Battle[edit | edit source]
Stormtroopers fought in thousands of battles across the Clone Wars and the Galactic Civil War and their presence in battle was nothing if not distinctive. Former Rebel Alliance soldier Kyn Griggs, noted one such commonplace instance:
"You'd know it was them immediately. You'd be on guard duty, shooting the shit about where in town to find the best prostitutes, whatever, and then there'd be this muffled clinking. You could barely hear it, but you knew what it was. Then there would be this seething, shiny white mass in the distance, and suddenly the air would be thick with blaster bolts. They wouldn't hit anyone, of course, but it was pretty scary the first one or two times. You'd radio base, we'd start our retreat, and you'd just sort of be taking cover now and then. Some guys would get hit, accidentally, I think, and then it was off to hyperspace for our next supposedly secret base. You know, I think if we stood and fought those guys, we might have won."
Another veteran said, "I think the stormtroopers were made to look scarier than they were", this veteran was quickly identified as Captain Obvious, and was later shot.
Stormtroopers, since they were completely and utterly loyal to the Empire for paychecks and Tang, were typically lead by the lowest-ranking graduates of the Imperial Officer Academy. As Moff Merkin famously scoffed,
"How competent an officer do you have to be to say, 'Hey, there are the Rebels, go get 'em?' I mean, really. Those knuckleheads could have been led by a piece of paper. Same color scheme, even."
There is precious little explanation of how stormtroopers were adept at shooting the crap out of droids during the Clone Wars but woefully inept at shooting organic targets during the Galactic Civil War. Experts agree that the droids were not as adorable as a rogue smuggler, donut-haired princess, and fresh-faced farmboy, though adorability generally has little bearing on one's "shootability." Recently medical research points to the problem possibly stemming from a rare disorder called Stormtrooper syndrome. Certain theorists claim that because of this effect, the more stormtroopers, and more "good guys" there are, the less they can hit. Jedi are veritable death sentences.
Stormtroopers wear distinctive white armor which serves as awesome protection from anything except the most common weapons available to rebels, the laser...shooty...gun-thing (wait, is it called the "blaster rifle"? Yeah, I think it's it), and anyone that can throw a punch, or think they can. Its main purpose is for ceremonial stormtrooper headbutting rituals. Victory in these traditional battles raises your status in the tribe and gets all the chicks. The armor, despite being designed by the galaxy's top weapons manufacturers, had several fatal weaknesses: pointy sticks, rocks and people who recognize the sad, sad futility in plastic armor.
Stormtroopers in American Society[edit | edit source]
In current American society, stormtroopers serve a far different role than they did in that galaxy a great big distance away in another, distant time. Instead of being feared jackbooted thugs, stormtroopers are outlets for hopeless sci-fi losers to grasp at the respect that has so far eluded them during their normal lives, and to help add that authentic "fictional" flavor to Star Wars-themed events and product releases.
There are even rumors that real, grown-up adults who probably have never served in an actual military unit "serve" in various mock units made entirely of mock stormtroopers. Theories abound as to whether these men and women in white have any plans to battle Trekkies or assault Renaissance Festivals in force.
Units[edit | edit source]
Various units of stormtroopers served the Galactic Empire. Here are but a few:
| 501st Legion | Nicknamed "Vader's Fist," the 501st participated in countless battles as Darth Vader's personal legion. However, the unit was forced to roll up its colors after the Battle of Endor, where the Ewoks unleashed a can of whup-ass. The 501st was seen crying back home to daddy Vader and grandpa Emperor. Those that survived the carnage of sticks and stones were force choked by a rather disappointed Vader. It is rumored that the embarrassing failure of the 501st is what Vader considered the last straw in his decision to die at the end of the Galactic Civil War. |
|---|---|
| Polish Legion | A group of Poles who were seriously lost after mugging the Doctor and screwing around with his TARDIS. The only regiment in the Imperial Army that got the job done, but were still hardly paid. |
| 103rd Legion | The 103rd served admirably against the Rebellion but was completely wiped out by a tribe of small, fuzzy muppet-bears during the Battle of Endor. The unit was re-activated outside the Cave of Caerbannog after the fall of the Empire and promptly slaughtered by a small, white rabbit with great pointy teeth and claws. |
| 76th Legion | The mysterious 76th Legion occupied the planet of Onderon for two decades after the fall of the Empire before the population realized the 76th was made entirely of stormtrooper armor stuffed with straw. |
| Oh Crap Legion | The Oh Crap Legion was sent into every battle that the Empire stood even a considerable chance of victory, but where a win would be bad for the plot. Their weapons were torches covered with red cellophane (or is that cellophane? Dammit! I can never remember!) and their armor was crafted carefully from sewer water, hence the name. |
| 69th Legion | The only stormtrooper unit out there with the aim. However, not the kind needed to fire a rifle. |
| 420th Legion | Theysa stationed with the Gungans where they love to smoke Ganja, mon! Theysa is da ones dat responsible for killin' da Jar-Jar binks). |
| 19th Amphibious Assault Division | Famous for using frog cannons to bombard enemy emplacements before landing troopers wearing armor made of hardened frog poo. |
| 9th airborne Division | Famous for being a specialized unit to jump out of gunships. Designed with the intent to land safely in enemy territory. However, on their first deployment, they forgot their parachutes. The whole division died at Felucia. |
| 7th Medical Battalion | Surgeons and doctors famous for setting up field hospitals in the middle of the battlefield. All killed in their first deployment. |
| 6th Aerospace Battalion | A unit of clones all specially trained to pilot any vehicle and be the best in a space ship to ship combat. Easily raped by droids on the ground. |
| 3rd Fodder Battalion | Famous for their suicide death charges. Generally able to overwhelm enemy hardpoints in 2 minutes with maximum casualties. Largest battalion in the GAR and the stormtrooper corps. |
| 9th Heavy Butt Assault battalion | Best used against organic hostiles because droids don't have butts. Their armor was specialized to inject lethal amounts of AIDS inducing viruses into victims. Most feared legion in the GAR by the Neimoidians with their slimy butt holes. |
| 06thBattalion | The battalion is best known for getting no action. |
| 3rd Light infantry Battalion | They got to wear the lightest, crappiest and most unprotective armor in the GAR. They were the easiest to rape and the most incompetent. Special clones were assigned to the division. |
| 12th Woodland Scout Division | The battalion famous for being trained exclusively in woodland and rural combat as well as guerrilla tactics and survival in the wilderness. The entire division was deployed on Endor during the Galactic Civil War. The division was slaughtered by the Ewoks during the Battle of Endor, since handling woodland critters is not a part of Imperial training. |
| Medevac Legion | Since the stormtroopers have such crappy armor and weapons, this legion was frequently used to get stormtroopers to a location that it was safe for Vader to force choke them at. |
| 22nd "Catch" Legion | Bunch of nasty jerks who used to work for Sirius Black Cybernetics. First to be up against the wall after the revolution. Their only weapons were vast amounts of paperwork and the deadly Logic gun that caused the victim to spend about ten seconds thinking about the title of the friken' book before moving on. Come on the Late Clone Commander Heller, you can do better than that! |
| 49.5th Wheelchair Battalion | These are stormtroopers who managed to survive suicide missions and have survived wounds that have confined them to a heavily armed wheelchair. Their second chance at fighting in battle is usually their last chance to prove to Lord Vader their devotion to the Galactic Empire. Failure to live up to his will usually results in him throwing them out of their wheelchairs and laughing. |
| 666th Legion | Composed entirely of clones of the Antichrist). |
