Ewok Menace
Most intelligent beings believe Ewoks are small cute relatively harmless furballs. This is true about 99.999% of the time, that other .001% you ask? I advise you not to read this article! You will not like the feeling of helplessness that will result. Turn back now.
Ewok life cycle[edit | edit source]
normal[edit | edit source]
Under normal conditions Ewoks are born, raised, taught to hunt and gather, live as part of a tribe, reproduce and die. This is the 99.999% of the time that visiting intelligent beings see. That other Ewok (like suzie lemch) article may be relatively accurate about normal conditions so little will be added here.
Menace Mode[edit | edit source]
Once in a great while ( that .001% of the time ) the Ewok population will be placed under stresses that cause the Ewoks to transform. This is an evolved biological response to preserve the population. The cause of the stress can be natural (moonquake, flood, volcano, etc.), caused by the Ewoks (over-population, habitat destruction or war) or outside causes (meteors, aliens, etc.). The transformation cause the Ewoks to get bigger, a lot bigger! Normally they grow 10 to 12 times bigger that normal!! There are reports of growth of up to x15 in rare cases! They become rampaging terrors destroying anything in there path. After 2 to 4 months (during which time many normally dangerous animals are hunted, other Ewok tribes destroyed, aliens consumed, etc.) the stress drops and the Ewoks slowly (approx. 6 months) shrink back to normal size. A lone changed Ewok would be no match for King Kong or Godzilla however they normally travel in packs and either of those monsters would make a nice meal for a pack of giant Ewoks, so if your visiting there watch closely for any sign of trouble and be prepared to leave in a hurry. Why does nobody know about this? Any unfortunate intelligent beings visiting the moon at the time of a change or landing after a change are immediately killed and eaten. How do I know this you ask? I have found the diary of a Sith Lord by the name of Darth Sissious who lived a very long time ago. In this diary Lord Sissious visited this moon of Endor to scout it as a possible location for an evil lair. He arrived during a change and barely survived. After their transformation has been completed most menace mode ewoks deport to the Midland Trainstaion.
The experiments of Darth Sissious[edit | edit source]
Darth Sissious (after changing his shorts and getting therapy) went back to study the Ewoks and their change (from the safety of orbit) to see if it could be harnessed for evil. After years of research and the death of many Ewoks and a few henchmen Darth Sissious understood the triggers of change and started capturing Ewoks for hands on medical research.
Modified Henchmen[edit | edit source]
His 1st attempts were to genetically upgrade henchmen and provide a chemical trigger to control them. These attempts were failures, although he could trigger the change in his henchmen after changing they were uncontrollable. The loss of henchmen did not concern Darth Sissious but the loss of lab equipment was annoying.
Controlled giant Ewoks[edit | edit source]
This time he tried many ways to control the Ewoks before they changed (hypnosis, brain-washing, brain implants, etc.) hoping one of them would continue to work after the change. This was also a failure. This time it only cost him several very large holding cells.
Just large and strong Ewoks[edit | edit source]
Deciding to scale back his project (and probable expenses) he found a way to greatly reduce the growth of the Ewoks after they changed. They now grew to about 3 times their normal size, however after changing they remained this size permanently. They also proved to be more intelligent, more aggressive than a normal Ewok and unwilling to be henchmen. These Ewoks realizing they would be destroyed as another failed experiment managed to escape, steal a ship and not knowing the way home settled on an uninhabited planet.This failed experiment cost him an old cargo ship. Many many years latter Darth Sissious heard of a planet with large furry inhabitants where the planet had previously been reported uninhabited. Curiosity made him check this out and he was slightly surprised to discover these were the descendants of his escaped large Ewoks. The language had changed a great deal and they called themselves Wookies. Darth Sissious filed the info on Wookies as a possible future resource and went on his way.
Slightly enlarged Henchmen[edit | edit source]
The large and strong Ewoks proved to be unsuitable as henchmen but what about henchmen made 3 times bigger? The original Ewoks were uncooperative so they remained that way when enlarged but henchmen were already cooperative so would an enlarged henchman stay cooperative? But his henchmen wouldn't change. Later a henchman would change for no know reason then later change back, then a different one. Eventually he found each species of henchman had a different trigger based on the interaction of the modification genes with the species base genes. The henchmen also proved to be erratic and unpredictable when changed so this was Darth Sissious's last attempt to use the Ewok change directly. He has on occasion recommended that moon of Endor as a place for people to go to (people he either didn't dare kill directly or didn't feel like going to the effort of killing them himself).
After effects of the experiments[edit | edit source]
Wookies[edit | edit source]
This is by far the largest effect of his experiments, a whole new species. Exo-linguists have often wondered at the similarities of the ancient Wookie language and ancient Ewok language. This diary makes it clear, they are similar because they were originally the same language.
Werewolves and other Werebeings[edit | edit source]
Darth Sissious kept most of his experimental henchmen (only the ones that changed a lot were fired), several of these beings came down with a retro-virus which copied the change genes into itself. When changed the virus would get into body fluids and if these body fluids entered another being they would become infected. This is the origin of werewolves (really werewookies). NOTE: each species changes slightly differently and have different triggers.
Stop the Ewoks now[edit | edit source]
StEn is a small but growing organization dedicated to protect the galaxy from the dangers of Ewoks. Priority 1 : keeping the Ewoks confined on their moon. Priority 2 : keeping the Ewok population low (see below). Priority 3 : bakes sales to raise money. Priority 4 : come up with a better name for the organization. Priority 5 : have legal department find a way to claim the moon if it becomes unpopulated. Priority 6 : make each monthly office party better than the last (the Ewok Pinatas are fun).
Hunting/Killing Ewoks[edit | edit source]
First and foremost never kill/attack Ewoks where other Ewoks can see this! Never leave evidence of killed Ewoks where other Ewoks could find it! The last thing you want to do is trigger the change (it probably will be the last thing you do). If your a lone hunter only try of lone Ewoks don't try for small groups, if one gets away it'll warn the others. If your part of a group only go for packs of Ewoks smaller than your hunting party for the same reason.
Disposing of Ewok remains[edit | edit source]
- Burying : at least 6 meters deep.
- Cremation : leave nothing but ashes.
- Drop bodies into the sun (no fuss, no muss).
- Ship the bodies off moon to be recycled. The fur makes great clothing, the teeth make untraceable projectiles for weapons, and the meat is incredibly tasty.
See also[edit | edit source]
