User:Gergdown/GCL/UnNews:Sports Page
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Welcome to UnNews
Red is for sports. And for red meat.
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Saturday, November 29, 2025, 08:08 (UTC)
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 MADISON SQUARE GARDEN, NEW YORK CITY-- In a move seen as either shocking to casual sports fans or typical by seasoned NBA fans, the New York Knicks have fired head coach Tom "Thibs" Thibodeau just days after blowing a chance to make their first NBA finals in 25 years and losing to the Indiana Pacers in an otherwise "entertaining" series.
"WAHHH! I don't want to wait another year to win a championship. I don't want to have to make my players get more experience or whatever it's called. I want to win an NBA Finals NOW!" screamed Knicks owner James L. Dolan from their headquarters before kicking Thibs out the window (Thibs somehow survived the fall; this is New York City of all places, stranger things have happened here). Dolan was raging so loudly we didn't even have to interview him.
 THE COLORADO ROCKIES HAVE WON A SERIES! THEY HAVE FINALLY WON SHIT! THIS IS A SPLENDID TIME FOR THE FOLKS AT COORS FIELD, THE GREATEST BAR, no, BASEBALL FIELD ON THIS EARTH WHICH IS SITUATED A MILE OFF THE GROUND!
YES, IT SEEMS LIKE THE WORST TEAM IN MODERN NORTH AMERICAN PRO LEAGUE SPORTS HISTORY HAS FINALLY DONE SOMETHING THAT IS WORTH A CELEBRATION! THEY HAVE BEATEN THE PULP OF THE MIAMI MARLINS 3-2! THIS IS A MONUMENTAL VICTORY FOR WHAT FELT LIKE A ROAD OF TERROR AND ANGUISH!
 INDIANAPOLIS, INDIANA After further review of whatever the heck happened here a week ago, the Indianapolis police department has confirmed the ruling: former NFL quarterback Mark Sanchez, best known for buttfumbling with the New York Jets, has royally screwed himself physically, mentally, career-wise, and legally, by buttfumbling. Literally. After getting wasted before calling a game the next day for Fox Sports, Sanchez decided to do wind sprints in an alley behind the bar (we're not making this up!!), getting about 20 rounds in before a grease truck pulled up in the way. Sanchez inevitably got into a spat with the driver, who stabbed him after getting into a fist fight before driving away.
 NFL Headquarters-- Suck it up, pussies! Gay NFL cheerleaders are now the thing and you can't escape it! Several teams, such as the New England Patriots and Minnesota Vikings, both of whom have faced identity crises after losing either lots of games lately or a heartbreaking playoff loss, have decided to embrace their gay side. Both teams have fired ALL their female cheerleaders and replaced them entirely with former or aspiring drag queens.
 COOPERSTOWN, NY — In a historic, sweeping decision, baseball commissioner-dictator Rob Manfred finally gave cheaters and pedophiles the credit they deserve. Obviously inspired by the first election of an American Pope, Manfred waved his hands to anoint all dead people on MLB's permanently ineligible list, effectively giving them the baseball equivalent of Sainthood.
Manfred's single-handed directive means seventeen previously banned people will now be eligible for induction into the Baseball Hall of Fame. The most notable among these are admitted pedophile Pete Rose and the "eight men out" who conspired with gangsters such as Arnold Rothstein to orchestrate the Black Sox Scandal, in which the 1919 World Series was fixed.
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