UnNews:Starmer to ban X
Sunday, January 11, 2026
UNITED KINGDOM — Earlier this week, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom Keir Starmer expressed plans to make American social networking service Twitter 𝕏 illegal in British territory. His desire to interfere with people's Online Doxx Yourself Act circumvention attempts has grown with the rise of British users exploiting Elon Musk's Grok AI chatbot – or "MechaHitler" as it calls itself – to deprive gallons of water from the slums of Birmingham in order to generate deepfakes of people whom they are not in order to keep their privacy under wraps whenever an app demands photographic proof that the user is, in fact, a major, and not a minor.
All the while, said photographic proof is stored into a database just anticipating the day it gets breached by a crew of H4X0Rs, despite said applications claiming to delete, shred, cremate and bury the ashes of said photographic proof from said database once said photographic proof has served its purpose. UnNews correspondent Richard Burns claims that a close acquaintance of his, a convenient civil servant at №10, witnessed one deepfake of the Prime Minister clad in a bikini (pictured) proving enough to push the deepfakee to his limit amidst a night of him and a crew of insiders browsing one of these databases, specifically the one documenting the personal information of every Google user living in the United Kingdom. This is standard procedure.
December saw Starmer's distant austral cousin, Australian Prime Minister Anthony Albanese, pen a record of social networking services to prohibit under-18s from accessing. Surprisingly, the paedo-infested hovels of Roblox still remain within easy reach for the children of whom we all must think, the gaming platform having been officially classified as "uh, actually... technically not exactly social networking". A grey-haired, bespectacled socialist leader of corresponding genes, Albanese innately was quick to align with Starmer's scheme.
Whilst Grok's image-generation feature, which Daddy Elon claims produces "art", has been restricted to the minority of users willing to donate monthly fees to him, officials confirm this concession has done little to placate the increasingly unamused Starmermeister. Government insiders confirmed Starmer's focus on Grok of all the slop generators that flood the present-day internet was "not ideological", but rather because it was "the one he keeps hearing about on the news".
President of the United States Donald Trump has threatened the UK with sanctions should British communications regulator Ofcom prosper in their prohibition of Musk's social networking platform, citing concerns over free speech, fair markets, and the fact that Elon Musk is, despite the greater amount of oscillations in their relationship than a spring, in his words, "a very good guy who tells me things". When enquired about when exactly these sanctions are to take effect, Trump responded with "at a later date, a very, very powerful date", adding "People are talking about the date. They love the date. It's gonna be somethin'. Bigly."
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Matthew Field, Dominic Penna "UK threatened with sanctions if Starmer bans X" The Telegraph, January 9, 2026