UnNews:Starmer to ban X
Sunday, January 11, 2026
UNITED KINGDOM — Earlier this week, UK Prime Minister Keir Starmer expressed plans to make American social network Twitter 𝕏 illegal in British territory. His desire to stop circumventions of the Online Doxx Yourself Act has grown with the rise of British users exploiting Elon Musk's Grok – or "MechaHitler" as it calls itself.
With the rise of Grok has come the rise of water usage, with thousands of gallons pumped from the slums of Birmingham in order to provide liquid cooling to 𝕏's huge datacentres. The resulting drought prompted Starmer to act, citing the urgent need to protect children, prevent deepfakes, and the unacceptable risk that a picture of a woman in a bikini might upset Labour's stakeholders. Moving forward, Starmer claimed, "skimpy swimwear is strictly for men".
Within minutes of the ban, Grok had been downloaded by millions of people and became #1 on the App Store – showcasing that despite your best efforts, banning everything remains the most effective marketing campaign in history.
December saw Starmer's distant cousin, Australian Prime Minister Anthony Albanese pen a record of social networking services to prohibit under-18s from accessing. Surprisingly, the paedo-infested hovels of Roblox still remain within easy reach for children, the platform having been officially classified as "uh, actually... Technically not exactly social networking". A grey-haired, bespectacled socialist leader of corresponding genes, Albanese was quick to align with Starmer's scheme, as was Canadian President Governor Prime Minister Mark Carney.
Whilst Grok's image-generation feature, which Daddy Elon claims produces "art", has been restricted to the minority of users willing to donate monthly fees to him, officials say this concession has done little to placate the increasingly unhinged Starmermeister. Government insiders insisted Starmer's focus on Grok of all the slop generators that flood the present-day internet was "not ideological", but rather because it was "the one he keeps hearing about on the news".
Starmer insists the damning evidence is locked in a vault beneath Downing Street, poised to be leaked to H4X0Rs, while his government maintains the polite fiction that the data does not exist and was destroyed months ago.
This data remains suspiciously accessible, despite solemn vows to delete, shred, and ritually cremate the evidence once it has 'served its purpose.' According to UnNews correspondent Richard Burns, a convenient civil servant inside №10 revealed the true catalyst for the ban.
The incident allegedly occurred during a routine Friday night 'security audit', wherein the Prime Minister and his inner circle casually browse the private data of every Google user in the UK. While scrolling through this theoretically non-existent archive, the group stumbled upon a deepfake of Starmer himself, resplendent in a bikini (pictured). It was this image, rather than any concern for the public, that reportedly pushed the deepfakee to his limit.
In response, U.S. President Donald Trump has threatened the UK with sanctions and tariff increases, should British communications regulator Ofcom prosper in their prohibition of Musk's social networking platform, citing concerns over free speech, fair markets, and the fact that Elon Musk is, in his words, "a very good guy who tells me things".
When enquiring about when exactly these sanctions are to take effect, Trump responded with "at a later date, a very, very powerful date", adding "...People are talking about the date. They love the date. It's gonna be somethin'. Bigly."
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Matthew Field, Dominic Penna "UK threatened with sanctions if Starmer bans X" The Telegraph, January 9, 2026