UnNews:DeSantis signs Florida bill allowing seniors to hunt zoomers for their skin and organs

Wednesday, November 19, 2025

Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis, or a wax sculpture of him

TALLAHASSEE, Florida — Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has signed sweeping new legislation intended to help seniors facing financial burdens: a new Florida law will now allow state residents aged 60 and up to hunt, dispatch and extract the skin and organs of young people under the age of 35. Seniors can choose to consume the collagen from the freshly pallid skin of slain zoomers, or harvest and sell their organs for a tidy profit.

Florida resident: "I just caught three of them in my backyard! They were screaming, 'Why grandpa, why?' With their collagen, my forehead has never looked smoother."

"Florida seniors have suffered the burden of property taxes, liver spots, uncomfortable dialysis chairs, not to mention the increasing price of sunscreen!" DeSantis stated in a press conference inside the Florida State Capitol building, "By allowing our most respected elders to humanely kill and process the bodies of young people—which I don't need to remind you contains thousands of dollars in organs, essential oils and collagen—we can help alleviate the burden on the generation which has done the most to build this state, and this nation as a whole."

When asked if there was a minimum age before young people could be 'extracted', DeSantis responded, "They tell me baby blood can eliminate wrinkles, so no, I won't deprive seniors of any means to alleviate their pain."

When the room of reporters (some of whom were of prime collagen producing age) grew increasingly anxious, DeSantis attempted to assuage them by saying, "Young people do have a right to scare seniors off with their legally owned firearms. However, if you manage to kill one, that's automatically murder." DeSantis later clarified that seniors were not required to kill caught zoomers, and may even keep them alive for whatever reasons suits their fancy.

After the announcement, some entrepreneurs (including Disney CEO Bob Iger) have started new services catering to the emerging needs of both seniors and young people in the state. For a small $12000 fee, those under 35 can be discretely transported to Private Safety Zones in Disney World properties, where arrangements can be made to smuggle them out of state.

Phil Robertson of Duck Dynasty fame has begun selling "zoomer bait", to lure young people into traps: these include cardboard cutouts of Zohran Mamdani, a Nintendo Switch, and a giant spiky pit disguised to look like an affordable home. Robertson also sells lures meant specifically for millennials, including a giant mousetrap disguised as a popup selling $35 cheeseburgers and truffle parmesan fries in a flimsy little newspaper cone.

Sources

• Dr. Willard Bliss "How to boil the collagen out of dead zoomers (NO CAULDRON NEEDED!)" YouTube, November 19, 2025