UnNews:Starmer to ban reselling tickets
Sunday, November 16, 2025
The UK is finally going to be safe. After years of getting away with their crimes due to the lack of laws, the most dangerous criminals will be put to an end, that is the ticket resellers. These blokes send thousands of AI spam bots to buy football tickets in bulk much like citizens of the US. They will then resell these tickets on shady websites like the Facebook Marketplace and proceed to up charge these tickets for a staggering 10%.
After much annoying nagging, Keir Starmer is expected to announce a ban on selling tickets for profit. Because it’s not like there are bigger issues like the Online Dox Yourself Act. The reason is clear as a glass pane: the only way to eradicate organized crime is to make it illegal to profit from concerts. However, some people disagree with this and say the government is bitter that they can’t tax this profiteering.
"For far too long, these criminals have been extorting the public," declared the Minister for Fair access to football games. "Charging an extra £10 on a ticket that cost £67? That kind of malicious exploitation for profits is unacceptable. We will aim to restore order soon and ensure access to Taylor Swift concerts are purely determined by the speed of your slow Ethernet connection just how people with fast Wi-Fi want.”
The new law targets individuals who operate outside the law, using AI bots to steal all the tickets to see Coldplay. The National Crime Agency estimates that the potential reselling of the last ticket from a single Harry Styles tour could be on par with the Cartel selling 200% pure heroin forcing the Chancellor to put a stop to the untaxed revenue. “It’s a god given right for consumers to know they are being ripped off."
Industry experts warn that this move may kill the market, forcing desperate fans to go outside with human beings and exchange unmarked envelopes for crumpled tickets. "It’s horrible," said a ticket reseller. "Next, they'll be telling us we can't charge a 67% 'service fee' on top of the original ticket price. What is this!?"
Sources[edit | edit source]
- "Pennsylvania bill seeks to legalize flying cars" The Guardian, November 17, 2025