UnNews:Russian economy on life support

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Sunday, November 16, 2025

Where's all the money comrades?

MOSCOW The Russian economy is currently on life support due sanctions and the Ukraine invasion. Russia's GDP growth has slowed to the minuscule percentage of 0.6%, a figure the Moscow Kremlin claims is a “success”. “You see, in Russia slow and steady wins the race," announced a state economist, who was definitely not told he would go to Siberia if he didn’t comply. "This means our nation is not over stressing itself. The economy is growing as fast as a person with no arms or legs. We call this our 'negative-positive' growth." In short, this statement is as meaningful as the Torah in a room with blind people.

Western sanctions are also to blame for this stagnation. As a response, officials have released what many are calling "interesting solutions.” Some of these interesting solutions include but are not limited to:

  • Forcing citizens to become more resourceful

Oil revenues are down a significant 67%? No problem, this encourages citizens to become more resourceful by having to walk with your two feet around the biggest and coldest country on Earth!

  • Taxes

A joyful way to forcefully increase your 9 to 5 to a, 9 to 11 just to meet ends meet!

  • Inflation

The government is attempting to turn this into a revolutionary wealth redistribution system. "Inflation is merely a system to ensure everyone’s rubles are worth less than dust specs.

  • Higher interest rates

This is a highly efficient, sophisticated system for weeding out poor customers. Only the rich are allowed to participate in borrowing money.

The outlook[edit | edit source]

In the end, Russia has found the secret to a barely growing economy: focus entirely on a war that has been a slow costly fight rather than a victory. So, if you’re a military general or Vladimir Putin, the future is looking great. You have all the funds you need to keep a war going. For the average person, they are left hungry wondering when their plate will be full of food but who cares? As long as the propaganda is telling the people the nation’s economic growth is going well, we’re completely fine.

Sources[edit | edit source]

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