User:Bcbohrer/Jon Bon Jesus

Jon Bon Jesus (1982-1991, 1994-present) - The carnation of Jesus most widely reported in the 1980's, Jon Bon Jesus was the man every girl wanted, and the man every man wanted to be. In the early years of the so-called Decade of Decadence, God (better known by his Italian pen name, Dio) recognized that the flock of faithful Christians began to dwindle rapidly, and decided to transform His one and only Son into a rock idol by fusing him with the entire band Van Halen using quantum combinatorial gene therapy. The result of said event laid somewhere between the two extremes of righteousness and debauchery, and the era of pop glam rock was born.

Musical Career

Beginning as a solo artist, Jon Bon Jesus was unable to sign onto a major record label and drew support mainly through local radio airtime and prayer. Realizing his need for back-up talent, Jon Bon Jesus decided to form Christian rock band Stryper and his music finally caught on in the mainstream. Unfortunately, Stryper kicked Jon Bon Jesus out of the band only a few years later, citing irreconcilable differences with the Lord. When asked if this schism was related to Jon Bon Jesus's experimentation with kitten huffing and cunnilingus, the remainder of Stryper declined to comment. Without the supporting cast of a band, Jon Bon Jesus once again faded away as a solo artist, much like his predecessor David Lee Roth.

Death and Rising Again

The onset of the grunge music in the late 80's and early 90's has been blamed to be the death of the era of rock and roll. For Jon Bon Jesus, this held especially true. Like glowing green kryptonite, Jon Bon Jesus found his powers weakened over several years until 1991, when the monstrous debut of Nirvana, headed by The Anti-Christ aka Kurt Cobain, dealt the Lord a fatal blow. Being half-mortal, it took Jon Bon Jesus three full years (as opposed to three days) to resurrect himself. Upon his rising, Jon Bon Jesus took the form of Dylan Carlson, bought a shotgun and impressed upon the mind of Cobain thoughts of suicide. The rest is history. Jon Bon Jesus is currently retired from stage performances and serves as inspiration for his new-found clan of disciples, The Darkness.

† The Holy Family of the Jesii †

The Sacred Host of Major Jesii Fear their wrath, and beware their contrived names. If you are still confused about which one you want, it's probably Original Jesus. Main Jesii Original Jesus: Hey, hey, hey, it's the Jee Man himself! Original Jesus's Crackhead Twin Half-Brother: Jebus Evil Jesus: Like the Antichrist, but worse. ¿Qué?: Jesús Jesus Christ Sponge: Purge sin and clean your dishes! Don't care if it rains or freezes? You need Plastic Jesus Placebo Jesus : Will never lift a finger for you, no matter what you believe! Your own: Personal Jesus Jesus Hasselhoff: He's everywhere! Jesus' very own Homeland: Jesusland Canadian Jesus: The Second Coming! Not To Be Confused With Super-Gay Jesus: Gay Jesus MicroJesus: A teeny, tiny Jesus that forgives all of your teeny, tiny sins. Jesus saves (leftovers): Jesusware Jesus was Christian, NOT Jewish: Enough said. But what If Jesus had lived in America? The So-So Company of Other Jesii Fear their wrath, and beware their contrived names. If you are still confused about which one you want, you were probably much better off with Original Jesus. Monster Jesii Jesusaurus Rex: The tyrant Jesus...lizard Save yourself from Werejesus! Raptor Jesus: Nazareth Park is frightening in the dark And they said Jesus rode on a Mule...Nyah!:Llama Jesus Attack of the 500 foot Jesus: New York, watch out! This Jesus loves your brains...: Zombie Jesus Munchie Jesii Jam Jesus: With a name like 'Jam Jesus', it has to be good. Savour the Saviour: Cheese Jesus Jesus Juice: An Energy Drink...IT'S GOT ELECTROLYTES! A stick the whole family can enjoy!: Sweet Jesus on a Stick! The Abandoned Hallway of Unwanted Jesii Pity them, and feed them table scraps. If you are still confused about which one you want... then you're fucking retarded, bitch! Bad Jesii Atheist Jesus: You won't believe his disbelief... French Jesus: Djesus Piss Christ: Ewww! You crack my back, I'll crack yours: Chiropractor Jesus Communist Jesus: In Soviet Russia, Jesus dies for YOU! Pestering your grandpa's social media: AI Jesus Republican Jesus: Has a "W" sticker on his SUV And for anyone we've missed out on: Society of Jesus The Sacred Host of Minor Jesii Fear their wrath, and beware their confusing names. If you are confused about which one you want to know to know it is it is yes, babs, it's probably Original Jesus. Funny Jesii Prehistoric Jesus: The find of the century. Pictorial retrospective of the Life and Times of: Lorem Ipsum Jesus Hide and Go Jesus: The hardest one to find Raise one family and you will be a believer: Pet Jesus Sweet smoking Jesus: What would Jesus smoke? Try our new McWine(TM)!: McJesus Musical Jesii Disco Jesus: Knows how to love you The Jewish Rap Sensation: MC Jesus Rockstar Jesus: Singer and Songwriter Sabbath Night Fever: The Bee-Jesus Twisted Jesii Jesus 1.5a: An alpha prototype Christ. Blue in hue and bereft of beard too: Bizarro Jesus Jesus Christ - Alcoholic: He drank too much wine at the last supper. Semi-Jesus anthropormorphic personification: Messiah Jesus Marx: Illegal Commie Clone He's blonde, cultish, and "not" a Nazi: Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints Pseudo-Jesii Stephen Colbert: Smiting Bears for in God's name Patron Jesus of Crocodiles: Steve Irwin Kyle Broflovski: The Passion of the Jew He screams! He sells! His head EXPLODES! BILLY MAYS Jesus LaBrie: That one in that band...Nightmare Cinema or something. Exiled from Babylon: Rasta Jesus Accordion Jesus: Saves you from pop music. Something musical: The Artist Formerly Known As Jesus Jihad Jesus: جهاد عيسي Jesus was a brutha: Black Jesus If you are still unsatisfied with these Jesii, you can always check out even... More Jesii