UnNews:Nebraska repeals all gun control
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
28 February 2013
NEBRASKA, United States -- Nebraska, the one state that no one would notice missing if it were sucked into a vortex and taken to another dimension, actually made news this week when they repealed every last trace of gun control.
"Nothing ever happens here," explained Governor Dave Heineman on Wednesday. "I mean, literally, nothing ever happens here that doesn't involve corn. We couldn't make big news if we tried.[1] Therefore, we can't expect any gun-related massacres due to our entire state being an empty void of noteworthiness, making gun control measures useless."
This applies to all forms of firearms, from your average handguns to assault rifles, from BB guns to 18th century muskets the Founding Fathers used, to paintball guns to tank guns.[2] Every from of fire arm weaponry that which can be conceived can be bought over the counter or at a local gun show. Democrats and most anti-gun activists won't even make a case opposing the grand repeal. "What can we say?" asked Don Maroni of the anti-gun lobbist group Citizens Against Weapons and Killing (CAWK). "Nothing happens in Nebraska."
However, some of the more truly die hard anti-gun activists have pointed to the 2007 Westroads Mall shooting that took place in Omaha as evidence to the contrary to this "Nothing happens in Nebraska" axiom. Unfortunately, that actually happened in Aurora, Colorado, best known as the mass shooting capital of the United States. Colorado decided to throw Nebraska a bone and let them claim it happened in Omaha. Meanwhile, Charles Starkweather was a hoax invented by Bruce Springsteen for no other reason but to write a song about Nebraska, all the while being paid off by the state officials.[3]
The community most excited about this policy development is not gun manufacturers, but political scientists. All the gun-trotting right-wing rednecks moving to Nebraska and all the pot-smoking left-wing hippies moving to Colorado could have interesting effects on the United States' geopolitical state of affairs. Only time will tell if these two will be able to get along and coexist as neighbors. Although peace yet may come from the state of New Hampshire, who is reportedly relieved all the libertarians are leaving.
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Footnotes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ Indeed, UnNews is the only new source reporting on this story, and even we were tempted to pass on it.
- ↑ But only if you own a licensed tank.
- ↑ All this confirmed by Alex Jones' research paper on the subject at the National Riffle Association's historical library.