Mikoyan MiG-29

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A Hungarian Air Force MiG-29UB at Koksijde Airshow in 2005

The Mikoyan MiG-29 (Russian: Микоян МиГ-29; NATO reporting name: Fuck-a-rum) is a Soviet, supermanauverable, agile, medium-weight-but-heavily-armed, tactical dogfighter designed to counter the advanced American-bred F-16 and F/A-18 fighters. Called the "Fulcrum", many subspecies have formed in modern times such as the MiG-33, MiG-35 and MiG-29M OVT. The Soviets LOVE it for crashing into their own planes.

History[edit | edit source]

MiG-29UB at the 1988 Farnborough Airshow

Up until the MiG-29, the fighters of the Soviet Union sucked ass compared to the American Empires F-16 and F-15 fighters. So pathetic were the Soviet MiG planes, that they were sadistically named "Flogger", "Flagon" and "Spanker". It was at this time the Soviets decided they needed advanced fighters, which led to the birth of the MiG-29 and Su-27 super duper fighters.

Initial production models were limited because Russian pilots were stupid and relied on ground controlled radars. The first Fullcum was unleashed on the West at the Farnbourgh airshow. The attack left many Americans stunned by the impressive performance, not to mention sticky, promting the Americans to start work on their answer to the MiG-29: the F-22 Rapist, which then president Bush Sr claimed would "rape the Sand Niggers, wait that hasn't happened yet...". Combat performance was limited, but third world countries using Soviet/Russian stripped-down versions which lacked radar, seatbelts, engines and wings fought in Africa and the Middle East. In these cases the main armaments were deflated soccer balls which the "Pilots" threw at each other from inside their "Planes".

Specifications[edit | edit source]

Klimov RD-33 turbofan engine
  • Speed: Mach 0.25 (Slower than your grandma on Sunday)
  • Altitude: 12 Inches
  • Armaments: 1x 30mm GSH-301 Cannon with 2 rounds
    • R-69 Aphid, stubby, short-range pussy-heat seeking missiles.
    • R-73 Archer Imgonnapwnu Missles.
    • R-27 The Alamo Imgonnapwnufromfrthraway Missles
    • R-77 Adder Imgonnapwnufromwaywaywaywayfrthrawaylykeontheothersideoftheworldaway Missles

Various other Russian weapons, including Vodka and more recently after the fall of the Soviet Union, mobsters, whores and statues of Lenin.

Breeds and Variations[edit | edit source]

Luftwaffe MiG-29G over Gulf of Mexico.
Romanian Air Force MiG-29 "Fulcrum-A". The Romanian air force has withdrawn its MiG-29s from service.
Operators of the MiG-29 in red (former operators in beige)
  • MiG-29A: First production model. Engines smoked, low range, weak armament but very maneuverable. It's primary role was relegated to propaganda campaigns at Western airshows to show the might of Soviet technology.
  • MiG-29B/C: The shit the Soviets/Russians gave to poor third world bastards. Saddam Hussein is known to have used these pieces of garbage, which explains why node of them did anything and were raped by capitalist pig fighters. This model was actually trick propaganda to fool the Capitalist Pigs into thinking the Mig-29 was bad.
  • MiG-29UB: Two seat kiddy version of the A model.
  • MiG-29G: Native to Germany. Based on the MiG-29A, so it still sucked but was able to beat American Empire F-16s in mock battles wielding the superior Russian R-69 Stubby.
  • MiG-29S: Slightly improved -A model with better weapons and range. Still sucked overall.
  • MiG-29K: This is where it starts to get good ... made for aircraft carriers. Multirole radar and weapon systems, bigger range, better skin.
  • MiG-29M / M2: Same as -K model, but for the Air Force.
  • MiG-35: Renamed MiG-29M2 to make it sound "next-gen" to prospective buyers.
  • MiG-29M OVT: Specifically bred for hyper-agile stunts, but useless for combat. These are used to show the world Russian might and superior Russian technology.
  • MiG-29SMT: Upgraded -S model.
  • MiG-29SMK2: Upgraded -K model. Cancelled due to insufficient funds after collapse of USSR.
  • MiG-29MESKT: Proposed model with hyperspace drive. See above.
  • MiG-37: Renamed -A model to fool poor bastard third world countries into buying shit.
  • MiG-35KILC: Proposed model that can fly in outer space.

See also[edit | edit source]