King Harkinian
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“I wonder what's for dinner.”
“That old Ganon is no match for the King!”
“OAH!”
“Mah boi, this piece is what all true warriors strive for!”
“OAH, HA, HA, HA...DICK!”
“OAH! HAO! OAH! HAO! OAH! Isn't mah dodongos beautiful!...(etc.)”
King Harkinian Hyrule otherwise simply known as The King is the obese, unintelligent, but lovable obese ruler of Hyrule. Although he starred in two obscure CD-i games, The Legend Of Zelda: The Faces of Evil and The Wand of Gamelon, he is chiefly known for his appearances in thousands of YouTube Poops.
Personality[edit | edit source]
King Harkinian is a rather jolly, yet gluttonous and incompetent ruler of Hyrule. Renowned for his great obesity and simple mind, he is widely regarded as the least inspiring video game character ever. His hobbies include getting drunk on wine and various other alcoholic beverages, eating dinner, forcing his enemies to scrub all the floors in Hyrule, pondering what's for dinner, wearing a dress, saying "Mah Boi", and eating dinner, which he commonly orders from Hyrule Take-Away. It is rumored that he also enjoys smoking weed, but this is unconfirmed. Despite his jolly and gluttonous demeanor, the king is noted for having some courage. Unfortunately, having no magical powers or combat skills, and being a middle aged lard-arse, this only results in him being defeated or captured by his enemies. On a related note, the king is also rather fond of dinner and spends countless hours feasting on alongside his loyal subjects.
Early Life[edit | edit source]
The eldest and portliest son of the mighty Burger King, and the late Dairy Queen, his father attempted to give King Harkinian a proper education, enrolling him in expensive private schools. However, the king benefited little from this, receiving very poor grades and spending his time drinking, partying, smoking weed, and wondering what's for dinner. Despite his lack of ambition and intelligence, the king did manage to graduate, most likely because of his father's "gifts" to the school.
Born with a rare disease known as "Bearded Baby Syndrome" (BBS), Harkinian was often looked at with scorn. Instead of joyous cries of, "What an adorable baby!" the Burger King received remarks such as, "Could you shave your baby, please?" and "Wow, I bet when he grows up he'll be fat and wonder what's for dinner all the time." about his first born son. This disease eventually led into the King having a rough teenage life, and eventually forced him into having plastic surgery later in life. However, due to Hyrule's poor medical treatment, the plastic surgeon somehow ended up darkening the King's skin tone along with removing his beard. He was black to about age 16.After that he started getting white patches on his face, which probably were caused by bad dinner. At about 19 he just got treatment to make all of his skin white instead of having the white patches.
As a child, the king was quite effeminate, preferring to play with girls and do such girlie actives as jumping rope, playing with barbie dolls, wearing dresses, going shopping, painting fingernails, and wondering what's for dinner. This obviously displeased Harkinian's father, the Burger King, who attempted to make his son more manly by exposing him to more masculine recreations and "beating teh ghey" out of him. This proved successful, and by the king's teenage years, Harkinian became a noted womanizer, having several mistresses.
At around 14 years old, Harkinian became very dissatisfied with his appearance (his beard in particular). He became severely depressed, and was constantly harassed at school. Once he was old enough to get a job, he decided to save up for plastic surgery. Working hard in his father's restaurant chain, he was finally able to afford his beard-removal surgery at 16 years old. "He would've had it sooner," his first manager recalls, "If he wasn't eating all of the food instead of selling it!" The treatment lasted for awhile but his beard started growing back when he was 28 and he had a full beard again.He didn't shave it off because he thought he looked like Barry White.
Rebellion[edit | edit source]
Under the Burger King reign, Hyrule was quite prosperous, but the people grew displeased with many of the Burger King's autocratic laws. The Burger King had outlawed all fast food restaurants beside the Burger King, and heavily regulated sit down restaurants and food stands to protect the royal monopoly on fast food. Additionally, the Burger King outlawed any attempt at unionization in his restaurants, on the grounds that it was a government enterprise.
The last straw came when the Burger King instituted conscription for his restaurants, to deal with a labor shortage and keep wages down. Naturally, the time was ripe for Harkinian to lead a rebellion against his father. However, he was too busy feasting and fornicating to realize or care. Despite, or perhaps, because of his utter incompetence and complete indifference to the welfare of the kingdom, the rebel leaders offered Harkinian the crown if he supported the rebellion.
Initially, Harkinian was hesitant to rebel against his father. To incite Harkinian, the rebels introduced him to McDonald's, KFC, Wendy's, and other outlawed fast foods. The young prince Harkinian became addicted, and joined the rebels.
After several years of civil war, the rebels proved successful, and the Burger King fled the country. His despotic laws were repealed, and new fast food restaurants appeared in every city, much to the new King's pleasure.
The Invasion of Koridai[edit | edit source]
While King Harkinian was in his throne room drinking wine (as usual) and musing about the long-term ramifications of avant-Koridianism on post-colonial academic thought, Link made a rather strange comment about being "bored" with the peace in Hyrule following his countless beat downs of Hyrule's nemesis Ganon. The King in his infinite wisdom explained that peace is what all true warriors strive for. Since Link wasn't pleased with the boredom brought about by THIS piece of peace, that logically means he isn't a true warrior.
Link then wondered what Ganon was up to, since he had foolishly let Ganon live the last time.
By unrealistic coincidence, Gwonam (or has he better known by his hundreds of fans, "Squadala Guy") arrived on his magic carpet (which is every Arab's choice of transportation) and let everyone know that Ganon was indeed up to something. In fact, that devilish pig had seized the island of Koridai! Link just grinned, as usual.
The King, who was particularly fond of Koridai's exotic dinners, with Link and a thousand-man army at his command, wondered if there was anything he could do to help. Gwonam looked at Link as if to ask, "Is he serious?" then said to the King, "You can help by defeating Ganon."
The King clapped his hands. "What a brilliant idea! But first, let us feast!"
"No," said Gwoaman. "There is no time. It is written: Only Link can defeat Ganon." Link decided to grab his best items, including his Burnination Rod, Nukes, and Level-2 Sword, which would enable him to go straight to Ganon's castle without having to go through lots of tedious traveling and puzzle-solving in order to gather the necessary items elsewhere. But Gwonam said there was no time for him to run upstairs to his room, for Ganon would become ruler of everything in a matter of minutes. Thus, Link set off on his quest with nothing but his clothes and his sword to save Hyrule.
The King decided to stay at home and ponder such deep philosophical questions as "What's for dinner?" and "What makes a good dinner?" and "Is there an objective standard by which all dinners are judged?" Zelda was ordered to endure his thinking aloud for refusing to kiss Link, and she nearly lost her mind.
The Rebellion of Duke Onkled[edit | edit source]
After Link single-handed defeated the army of Ganon, Harkinian received a desperate distress signal from his richer and much less obese cousin Duke Onkled whose island of Gamelon was under attack by the evil forces of Ganon. Getting off his lazy ass for once, Harkinian decided to go to Gamelon to aid him. Zelda questioned his actions, but the King claimed he would take the Triforce of Courage Dinner to protect him and that his ship would sail in the morning. Impa also assured Zelda the fat oaf would return. Before the day of the big battle in which hundreds of lives would be slain, the King looked out the window at his small kingdom and wondered, "What's for dinner?" He spent the rest of the night stuffing his face with various foodstuffs, just like every other night.
And so, the King's shit sailed in the morning. Unfortunately, a month later Zelda was crying because there was no word of her father or his dinner buddies, even though Impa was certain he was alright. Link cheered her up, saying that the "old evil wizard monster who shoots lightning bolts from his hands is no match for a middle aged fat man." (This was complete bullshit, but everyone was too stupid to realize it.) Zelda then sent Link to find her father, but in a bizarre twist of fate, Link didn't return either. Sensing a plot device, Zelda grabbed a sword for the first time in her life and set out to defeat Ganon herself (HA!) even though it was written that only Link can defeat Ganon.
In the end, the King was rescued thanks to the efforts of his loyal subject Fari (the resident Mexican and Don Quixote impersonator). Somehow, Zelda learned that Duke Onkled had betrayed them, but Onkled was brought to justice. Onkled begged for mercy but Harkinian said that he must scrub all the floors in Hyrule, then all the floors in Gamelon, then all the floors in Koridai, then eat an Octorok, then fight a Dodongo, then cook dinner, then scrub the kitchen floor, then scrub various people's asses, before any discussion of mercy would begin.
Oh, and Link apparently got himself stuck in a mirror, from which he was freed.
Sith Lord[edit | edit source]
Both Link and Zelda were concerned by the King's complete lack of mercy, for he was normally too clueless to care about torturing someone, when he would normally ponder dinner. As it turned out, the King has begun to be attracted by power of the Dark Side, due to the months spent in Onkled's prison, when he had craved power. Eventually, Darth Meesa chose the King as his apprentice, giving the King the title of Darth Gluttonous, and trained him in the ways of the dark side. Eventually, the King grew powerful enough that he was able to force even the most powerful of Jedi to scrub all the floors in Hyrule. He was even able to make Mace "Samuel L. 'Mother Fucking' Jackson" Windo yield to his awesome power, although doing so required the use of several snakes and a couple planes.
Fortunately, the King was immune to the corrupting powers of the Dark Side, similar to how the Hobbits of Middle Earth are more or less immune to corrupting power of the Ring of Sauron. It turned out that the king's sloth, gluttony, and near constant state of sheer drunkenness made him immune to the hatred and power lust of the Dark Side.
The King, after realizing that his lacked the power of the force, how horrible he was with the lightsaber, and that all the floors in Hyrule had already be scrubbed by Jedi several times over, gave up on the whole "Sith Lord" thing. Additionally, he had also come to believe that Darth Meesa was not the real Master Dark Lord of the Sith, but a lame impostor.
Employment[edit | edit source]
Realizing he had made the worst mistake of his life, the King applied to Swiss Chalet. When he had the interview he was given the job of scrubbing all the floors in their restaurants. The King called his new manager a doo doo head and was kicked out right after. The King drowned his sorrows at the local Cluckin' Cuckoo family bar and grill, and asked Ganondorf who was just ending his shift to go off to pilfer the Triforce,"I wonder what's for dinner?" Ganondorf simply replied "Fat-ass bitch",and stormed out.
Stroke and Recovery[edit | edit source]
Shortly after is rejection of the Dark Side, the King suffered a massive stroke. Some say this was due to the evil midichlorians leaving his body after his rejection of the Dark side. Others say it was a punishment from the Heavens for the wicked deeds of the king. However, the King's doctors generally agree that it was due to cholesterol clogging the king's arteries because he's a fat lazy bastard. Though the truth behind the truth was that the event that ultimately led to Harkinian's seizure is Ganon's evil plan to feed him a triple meat triple cheese greasy burger.
For several days, the king would repeat the same phrase and motion over and over, for up to 9 minutes, 59 seconds, or in severe cases, 14 minutes, 59 seconds. Many of these instances were recorded for medical purposes, and even more were recorded by Link because he found the king's suffering quite hilarious. Fortunately, the king somewhat recovered, and is now able to function normally. He has gone back to his daily dinner routine and so far things are going horrible well.
After which, the King decided he would do more with his life than ever before. Which included having nice fistfights chats with Link about his roles in the newest Zelda games. He decided to start a charity fund towards sick children in Africa. But the damn bastards mugged him and stole all his lunch money. Thus causing the King to go on a rant and constantly ask the sick and hungry children, "I wonder what's for dinner?" Leading to his attempted assassination by the constitution of Africa. Shortly after, the King had a seizure after watching Dora.
Presidency[edit | edit source]
The King decided after his stroke that he wanted to do something more with his life than just be a king and do nothing but gorge himself on feasts all day and wonder what was for dinner. So he decided to run for President of the United States in 2012, leaving Hyrule to be ruled by Ganon. He also decided he'd get more support if he was black.
Like Obama, he had an operation to bring him back to his nigger self. He promised all of America free dinner and that all crimes will be punished by "scrubbing all the floors in AMERICA!" People were amused by the King's simplicity, someone they'd want to have a beer with (in Harkinian's case, wine) and he won the election by a landslide. Harkinian did run into some trouble when it was determined that he was not a natural born U.S. citizen, but it turned out, like with the Kenyan born Presidents Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Ford, nobody cared.
Everyone was moved by Harkinian's Presidential Inauguration speech, "MAH BOIS, THIS PEACE IS WHAT ALL TRUE AMERICANS STRIVE FOR!" even though we were already in 2 wars. Unfortunately, just like Donald Trump, the King's presidency went down as the worst presidency in the world, since America went into a great depression and shortage of food thanks to Harkinian's "free dinner for all" law. Also, criminals were thriving since they were able to be released after scrubbing all the floors.
Harkinian also declared war on the whole world because he wanted to take all the dinners for himself and gorge on different ethnic feasts. He also brought back slavery to have all non-whites help the criminals scrub on the floors. Unfortunately for Harkinian, his new law backfired on him, and since he was now African American, he would have to do what he feared most, scrub all the floors!
Unable to cope with the scrubbing, Harkinian said "ENOUGH, my shit sails in the morning". He left America in utter turmoil to go back and rule Hyrule once again, getting an operation to return him to the white fat drunken bastard we all know and love. Hyrule's people were much less than pleased, for they found Ganon was a much more competent leader than Harkinian would ever be.
Still trying to forget about his failure at presidency, In 2010 King applied for a role in The Legend of Zelda Skyward Sword. But the bitches at Nintendo told him that his huge penis wouldn't fit in the game, and that he was such a fat-ass even Ganon didn't appear. The villain's role was given to an emo-bitch named Ghirahim who was constantly trying to rape Link and help him to complete his quest. Which was to make his sword point skyward. The King was disgusted with the company and decided to create his own game: The Legend of Dinner Skyward Fork. Though it failed to sell in any PAL regions and was only played by Osama Bin Laden.
Memoirs[edit | edit source]
The king began writing his memoirs in late 2008, after the end of his presidency. In the memoirs, he discusses his traumatic childhood, how his Father beat him on a regular basis, and how his mother tried to kill him, his stint as a Transvestite, his rape by Drew Motherfucking Pickles, the gayest man in the world, his depression, his drug and alcohol addiction, his attempted suicide, and his stints in therapy that lead him to become the phenomenal and inspirational leader that he is. The novel was released in early 2009 under the title "The King's Speech: The Life and Trials of King Harkinian. Upon the novel's release, it became a worldwide phenomenon, with people claiming that The King was a " lost soul", and an "inspiration to everyone who has dealt with abuse, addiction, and depression"
Film adaptation[edit | edit source]
Upon reading the book, some dude that no one had ever heard of before, going by the pseudonym "Tom Hooper", optioned the book to be made into a movie. His first order of buisness was casting infamous British romantic lead Colin Firth as The King, and Geoffrey Rush as his therapist, Dr. I. M. Meen. Apparently, Guy Pearce makes a cameo as Drew Pickles. The film premered in December of 2010, and Firth immediately won praise for his incredibly convincing portrayal of the tortured King. The film was nominated for several Oscars, including Best Picture, Best Actor for Firth, best Supporting actor for Rush, Best Director for "Hooper", and best screenplay. The film won all of these awards, except for Best Supporting Actor, which went to Mama Luigi for his convincing portrayal of the drug addicted brother of legendary Boxer "Italian" Mario Mario in "The Fighter".
Obsession with Dinner[edit | edit source]
It is theorized that, as a child, Harkinian was grossly underfed. The Burger King hoarded all the food to himself while his helpless son questioned him about what's for dinner. The Burger King got annoyed by this; he eventually suffered a breakdown, yelling at his son to "ASK SOME OTHER FUCKING PEOPLE WHAT'S FOR DINNER IF YOU'RE SO FUCKING HUNGRY!!" Young, impressionable Harkinian had nowhere else to turn so Rosie O'Donnell took the innocent youth into its care. All day, Rosie fed him whatever he wanted... Harkinian was living his dream. He would never question about dinner again... or so he thought. Rosie became an alcoholic and left its adopted son in the streets. Harkinian, alone and confused, was back to his old self; starving and alone. He eventually starting pillaging towns and raping their women just to get a meager dinner for the night. As he showed his dominance, he would yell out "I WONDER WHAT'S FOR DINNER!" The townspeople had a breakthrough and started feeding him, but it was in vain. Harkinian just kept asking. Eventually, the people made him King since he'd already proven his dominance over them. The King appointed a helper, Link, and made a child, Zelda. When Zelda should've been making him sammiches, she was off doing some other stupid feminist shit. King Harkinian would then be fated forever to tell his only true remaining friend "I wonder what's for dinner."
Recent Events[edit | edit source]
Recently, the king has been running short of funds, partially due to the world wide recession that he caused as president, but mostly due to his extravagant and excessive feasting. To support the royal treasury, he has since become an actor on YouTube, starring in several YouTube Poops. In these multiple videos, the King, as well as his subjects and Ganon, engage in repetitive unfunny humor that is generally only funny for the inebriated. Also, many of the scenes show the King shortly after his stroke. Eventually, he was joined by the likes of Mario, Luigi (otherwise better known by his aliases, Mama Luigi, Gay Luigi, and Weegee), Dr. Rabbit, Vegeta and Nappa, and countless others.
The King was under investigation by the FBI when they found a "Top Secret Plan" for launching a RtB 9000 Missile, which can kill over 1,000,000 people. The King stood by the facts that he was innocent and he had nothing to do with it. It was eventually proved that guilty party was instead Militron Man (also known as The Korean Hitler). The CIA and FBI are currently working to arrest The Korean Hitler and his worthless Korean men.
Musical Career[edit | edit source]
The Burger King Kids Club and early solo career[edit | edit source]
King Harkinian began his musical career in his mid-teens, following the cosmetic surgery that darkened his skin tone. Believing that his darker skin tone gave him a higher chance of scoring a record deal, Harkinian joined the local music group Burger King Kids Club in 1991. Taking a heavy risk, Harkinian fused the R&B and New Jack Swing sounds that the BKKC were known for with hard rock, techno, and the recently developed gangsta rap, creating a unique sound that Harkinian called "Dinner Swing Rock," which was better described by music critics, parents, kids, and the BKKC alike as "absolute noise." Fortunately, the BKKC managed to rework Dinner Swing Rock into a more tolerable sound. Their 1992 album, named Dinner Swing Rock in King Harkinian's honor, reached number #1 in the Pointless Sounds of Pop and Deep-Fried Songs charts. It's leading single, "Smells Like Greasy Fries," primarily penned by Harkinian, received critical acclaim, with many considering it to be a landmark in the genre of popular music. Unfortunately, Dinner Swing Rock was promptly displaces in the charts by noted rapper Ronald McDonald with his album Welcome to McDonaldland. As a result, all the songs on Dinner Swing Rock were banned from radio airplay at the behest of angry drivers. Taking note of the situation, Harkinian switched from Dinner Swing Rock to Hip-Hop.
His solo career began in 1993 with the release of Party. The album, featuring the BKKC on several instruments, was universally panned by critics for its bland, generic songs, awful lyrics, and fierce vocal attacks on Ronald McDonald for usurping the top position on the charts. Another blow to Harkinian came in 1994, when he underwent surgery to restore his skin color to it's original Caucasian skin. Many critics were appalled at the revelation, believing that Harkinian actually had vitiligo, despite his claims to the contrary. As singers with vitiligo became controversial at that time, the BKKC voted to withold their contributions to MAH BOI!, King Harkinian's second solo album, destroy his contributions to their upcoming album (all boycotted songs were salvaged by Harkinian and used for MAH BOI!), and ultimately remove him from the group. The anger King Harkinian gained from this later influenced the overthrow of Harkinian's father the following year, Harkinian's brief foray into the Dark Side of the Force, and his return to his heavy metal/gangsta rap roots. The Burger King Kids Club would later disband in 2005.
Later solo career and Sing Like the King[edit | edit source]
Since his removal from the BKKC, King Harkinian retired from music to focus on governing Hyrule. In 1999, however, he released the album True Warriors, to little fanfare. In an interview conducted in 2012 shortly after his successful campaign for president, Harkinian revealed that the main goal of the album was to take advantage of the new stylings of pop music and fast food, as well as to make amends with Ronald McDonald, who then had recently become the president of Capitalism. Since then Harkinian has periodically released albums, each receiving mixed to negative reviews. Also during this time, Harkinian had very brief stints on the groups Slipknot and Altzer-56.
Duke Onkled Wees, released in 2008, was written during Harkinian's captivity in Gamelon. Released during the height of the Vocaloid craze, Duke Onkled Wees was reviewed harshly, with many criticizing Harkinian's failed attempt at copying the craze with just a standard synthesizer and drum machine. One reviewer even went so far as to write "Harkinian's face is ugly. MIKU IS KAWAII DESUU!!!" That critic was promptly fired and sent to a mental asylum, where he was diagnosed with the Weeaboo virus.
In 2010, however, Harkinian released Sing Like the King. Although much of the album was panned, the lead single, "Scrub Scrub Scrub," was a commercial success, reaching number one on the YouTube Poop Music Video charts. The single marked the beginning of the King's comeback to the music industry.
State of Nintendo[edit | edit source]
Starting in 2011, Harkinian began promoting his eighth solo album: State of Nintendo. In an interview conducted during his bid for election, Harkinian revealed that, in a departure from the Hip-Hop-dominant albums he previously recorded, the genre of State of Nintendo would be a composite of Nu Metal, Techno, Rapcore and Power Pop which he named "Dinner Metal." State of Nintendo released to critical acclaim, peaking at #6 on the Billboard Top 100 Internet Sounds charts and earned Harkinian his first Grammy Award, which he celebrated by eating over 9000 meatballs in addition to his regular dinner. Harkinian promoted the album with the Nintendo World Tour. The concerts featured Harkinian performing a list of songs from both his solo career and his stint on the Burger King Kids Club.
State of Nintendo's lead single, the techno/pop "I Rule Hyrule" was released on May 8, 2011 to great expectation. Copies of album practically flew off the shelves, and Morshu's store in Gamelon reported record business. In the first two weeks alone it beat the sales record held by the classic album "Lamp Oil, Rope, and Bombs" by "The Rubies", by an astounding 4 copies. The album overall has since been credited with the decline of the popularity of Vocaloid music, which, by then, everybody agreed was trash.
Following Harkinian's resignation from the presidency and his acting career, no other studio albums have been released by Harkinian, save for the soundtrack to Harkinian's movie The King's Speech.
Discography[edit | edit source]
- Party -1993
- MAH BOI!! - 1994
- True Warriors - 1999
- DINNER - 2000
- Wonderin' what's for dinner? - 2003
- Duke Onkled Wees - 2008
- Sing Like the King (album) - 2010
- State Of Nintendo* - 2011
- The King's Speech: The Soundtrack* - 2013
See Also[edit | edit source]
| Games: |
The Legend of Zelda - Link's Arousal - Ocarina of Time - Majora's Mask - The Wind Waker - The Midget's Crap - Twilight Princess - Phantom Hourglass - Spirit Tracks - The Wand of Gamelon |
| Characters: | Link - Princess Zelda - Ganondorf - King Harkinian - Tingle - Morshu - That Old Man from The Legend of Zelda - Lord Jabu-Jabu |
| Somethings: | Hyrule - Link is a Tree - The Legend of Zelda Link theory - Rupees - Unquotable:Link |