Please
“No.”
Please, not to be confused with Pur-lease, Plæse or Gimme Gimme Gimme! is a rare English phrase used to show one that one wants something(or perhaps something) and is trying to be polite about it. It is related to the now deceased phrase 'Thank You', but is not identical. Contrary to popular belief, please is not a magical word, quite the contrary. Supposing that you really want something, an empathetic 'Now!' of considerable decibel will get you much further.
Origins[edit | edit source]
The phrase dates all the way back to Egypt in 200 BC when the Pharoah's slaves would make 'pleas' to their masters to stop whipping them. Having been so preoccupied with the whipping itself, the masters would not listen to the slaves' cries and would often say 'Eh?', having realized the slaves had said something but they (the masters) had not listened. This scenario happened so many times that eventually the 'pleas' became fused with the word 'eh?', and the 'h' and the question mark removed for some reason, to form the word 'please'. Say what? You think that was boring? STFU.
Use[edit | edit source]
Oh, the phrase is never actually used, heavens no! It's virtually extinct. The chances of hearing the phrase in your lifetime are slim to nill. It's actually against human nature to say 'please'. The last time it was used was in the 1960s, when some poof wanted a cup of tea. By then, it was used with icy sarcasm on top, since using it for manners was somewhat taboo. The conversation went something like this (watch out for please and thankyou):
POOF: Why hello good sir, you're looking sharp today! May I trouble you for a cup of tea?
SHOP KEEPER: This is a shoe shop.
POOF: Ah, but surely you didn't open this shop without tea-seeking customers in mind?
SHOP KEEPER: Get the hell out of my shop, please.
POOF: Well I never! I shall take my shopping business elsewhere, if you'll be that way. Although, you do have nice shoes!
SHOP KEEPER: Security, some gay is refusing to leave the area at the request of the shop keeper, get the FBI in here ASAP to have him shot.
POOF: FBI? Have me shot? You, sir, have offended me. I will bid good day to you, thankyou very much.
And the rest is history. You can see from this transaction of words that by that time, whenever please was used, it was in the poorest taste; now it's completely phased out. It's still a word of course, but if you look it up in a dictionary, you will find they took it out! Outrageous, I know!
Optional Extras[edit | edit source]
“Pretty pretty please, with icing and a cherry on top? Pleeeease?”
Don't listen to the above quote. I'm afraid no matter what you put on top of the word 'please', it will not get you any closer to your goal. Not that it's possible to actually put anything on any word, since a word is just a word, which is not a physical thing. And, after centuries of trying, the extras have not done anything for the asker. However, these two points seem to have had no effect on putting extra treats on top of the word please, so here is a list of what has been added in the past:
- Icing
- Icing and a cherry
- Icing and a cherry and a flower
- Lego Bricks
- Aforementioned icy sarcasm
- Vinegar
- Chips
- Love
- Just about everything else
It should also be noted that adding 'pretty' to the front of please does not work either. Some dellusional people like to think their pleases are pretty, when in fact they are as ugly as ever. Observe the following statement:
Now wasn't that the ugliest piece of crap you ever saw? It's so crap it actually distracts you from the meaning of the sentence, because it's so mesmerisingly crap.
Conclusion[edit | edit source]
Please is a load of crap. If you ever here someone say the word, push them down a flight of stairs. They are far too polite. The word is too polite too. If you ever see it in a book, hurl the book into a fire and dissolve the remains. Please has no place here. I hate it so much, I'm currently trying to get it made into an official swear word; so you just watch your mouth, punk.