Casimir Pulaski

Kazimierz Michał Wacław Wiktor Pułaski of Ślepowron (Polish pronunciation: [kaʑiˈmʲɛʂ puˈwaski]; English: Casimir Pulaski; March 6, 1745 – October 11, 1779) was a Polish-born revolutionary, general, exile, patriot, and author of numerous treatises on the erosion of morals "in dem darn kids". He is best known in America for giving Illinois elementary school kids the first Monday of every March off. And some stuff with the American Civil War. I think. Cuba also? I hate school kids.

Early life

Not much is known about Kasimir Pulaski's early life, since the country of Poland did not research literacy until 1:32:23 into the tournament. Still, there is much concrete evidence that Pulaski enjoyed many of Poland's traditional past-times, like eating beets and cabbage, and attending church. One Polish past-time he did not enjoy, however, is sitting back and being invaded. Since this was all the rage in Russia, Prussia, and the Austrian Empire, Pulaski left the country and chilled in America, assuming all wars were being fought on the European continent.

American Revolutionary War

Some stingy gentiles decided they did not want to pay a nominal tax to pay for a war Britain waged to protect them, so the American Revolution broke out. Pulaski, quite a calvary officer when sober, was requested, by George Washington himself, to lead a calvary charge on Atlanta. Here is a transcript of the actual conversation:

Washington: "So, what you doing today Pulaski?"
Pulaski: "Nothing much. I gotta lay low though because Franklin keeps on calling me though."
Washington: "Great, great. That guy's such a weiner. I think I have something you could do for me."
Pulaski: "Does it have something to do with leading a suicidal calvary charge?"
Washingtion: (Chesire Cat Smile)

Pulaski, dangerously susceptible to advanced jedi-mind-tricks, proceeded to lead the charge by himself. Unsurprisingly, his +3 chainmail proved ineffective against gunfire, and Pulaski received a mortal wound.

Remembrance

As most local newspaper journalist/historians will tell you, there is a street in Chicago named after him. Also there is a school district and town in Wisconsin named after him. That town is home to the man with the worlds largest male sexual organ.

Perhaps the most widely known testament to Pulaski's gullibility is the day-off of school Illinois school children get the first Monday of every March. This law, passed in 1978 by Illinois legislature, was introduced by Senator Leroy W. Lemke (D)- Chicago, in an unabashed act of pandering to the Polish population. This was quite ineffective, however, as 2/3 of Polish people in the country are here illegally, the 1/3 that can legally vote would never vote for a member of the party of the Jews and the Blacks, and 3/3 Polish people don't really give a damn about Pulaski, since he ditched Poland anyway. Lamewad.

Most high school kids, however, do not get this day-off. Not wanting to disrespect the memory of such an esteemed American hero, appropriate methods of celebration, as determined by the FDA, are wearing red and white, getting piss-drunk, and, in a mockery of similar activities that take place during Saint Patrick's Day, punching those without red-and-white in the stomach, face, or crotch. The Polish refer to this as "paczki day".