User:Xamralco/List of sex positions
Sex has been the favorite pastime of basically everyone ever since the first apple was eaten.[1] As people evolved over time, so did their genitals, allowing for a whole slew of new sex positions, so many new positions, in fact, that somebody decided to make a list of them.[2]
Penetrative positions[edit | edit source]
Penetrative positions include any sexual positions in which the male reproductive organ penetrates the female reproductive organ during heterosexual intercourse, an anus during male homosexual intercourse, or nowhere at all during lesbian intercourse.
Missionary position[edit | edit source]
Doggy Style[edit | edit source]
Common among fans of anal penetration, doggy style, also known as dog sex, is a term used to apply to a group of sexual positions that can be performed in dog suits. Couples engaging in doggy style will often begin by sniffing each others' crotches, after which they may either eat their own poop, munch on kibbles, play fetch, or chase cats in the yard. This position is very similar to another form of anal (or vaginal) penetration known the cowgirl position, in which the receiving partner, usually a girl, covers themselves in slabs of raw beef, thus becoming a "cow" girl.
Fourty-three[edit | edit source]
Similar to the infamous 69[3] and the relatively unknown 25, the 43 is an extremely popular sex position among mathematicians. To successfully carry out the 43, the woman must stand on one leg, lifting the other one at a ninety degree angle to the ground and bend her arms, clutching her foot with her hands and forming a "4" shape. The man must then break both his knees and push his legs backward, after which he must thrust his penis forward and curve his back, forming the "3." Surprisingly, the 43 is nowhere near as popular as the 69, perhaps due to the use of the 69 in both homosexual and heterosexual intercourse.
Non-penetrative positions[edit | edit source]
Humping inanimate objects[edit | edit source]
Humping inanimate objects (or "tiddlywink-assisted masturbation") is a common form of non-penetrative sex that can be performed by one, two, or three people. Though any inanimate object, ranging from the simple wooden block to the more complex Mir-2 space station, can be used for HIO, some standard objects exist, such as cucumbers, metal piping, giant novelty pencils, or really anything penis-shaped. For males, however, it is more common for something vagina-shaped to be used for HIO, such as tree bark, raccoon pelts, or ancient Egyptian papyrus. Rubbing one's naked scrotum upon a potted plant has also become increasingly popular, especially among botanists.
Celibacy position[edit | edit source]
Semi-penetrative positions[edit | edit source]
Alternating between handjobs and blowjobs[edit | edit source]
Mostly done by whores, alternating between blowjob and handjob may turn on the male and cause him to ejaculate.[4]
Titty-fucking[edit | edit source]
Staring[edit | edit source]
Belly button fuck[edit | edit source]
Footjob[edit | edit source]
Lawn Job[edit | edit source]
Barn Job[edit | edit source]
Porn Job[edit | edit source]
Stevejob[edit | edit source]
Only performed by shemales named Steve or transgenders named Stephanie, a Stevejob may be performed. Ironically, Steve Jobs was the founder of the stevejob after getting one as a reward for invented the iLickTaints, iSuckCock, iMasturbateBecauseI'mForeverAlone, iFuckedYourBitch, iHorny, and the iPhone Sex.
Footnotes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ In recent polls, it has blown away other hobbies such baseball, chess, or anything else boring and dick-free, with only masturbation coming in a close second.
- ↑ I know what you're thinking, and no, this is not Buzzfeed.
- ↑ A sex position extremely similar to the √4761. Don't even get me started on the complexity of that.
- ↑ No shit, Sherlock.
