User:DarkBlue/Sega Dreamcast
| Sega Dreamcatcher | |
|---|---|
 The subliminally mind-controlling logo of the Dreamcast was responsible for 99% of it's sales. | |
| Developer(s) | Sega Corporacion |
| Publisher(s) | Someone latino |
| Release date | January 21, 1822 |
| Genre | Electronic cinderblock |
| Platform(s) | Heavy as shit. |
| Rating | Hispanic single mothers only |
| Would Jerry Jackson play it? | No, he would probably benchpress with it. |
“What the hell is that supposed to be, a god damn computer tower?”
The Sega Dreamcast was the final gaming system created by the Sega Corporation before the company had its tubes tied. It is widely considered the world's most Hispanic game system due to the fact that it has about 20 brothers and sisters all less than a year apart.
History[edit | edit source]
The Dreamcast started as the drunken brainchild of Martin Bromely. The premise was essentially a Playstation, which could double as both a 30 pound weight by replacing the aluminum components with depleted uranium, and also as a an automatic turntable with lots of pointless squeaking noises (It has also been reported to capture nightmares if hung over one's bed). After 20 more jello shots, Martin decided to stuff a couple of Gameboy Pockets into the controller as memory cards. Martin died of alcohol poisoning just hours after the creation of the first prototype, leaving the Dreamcast as the final testament to how absolutely retarded he was.
Hardware[edit | edit source]
Listed here are some of the many components made for the Dreamcast. Not shown here are: Plasma cannon, waffle maker, magic 8 ball, BORG automated defense system, twin quad-laser turrets, .5 hyperdrive system, self-destruct disk (amuse your friends and family!), lightsaber controller (actually just a lightsaber), controller-lightsaber (actually just a controller), and a Grue detector (will not actually protect against grues).
- Controller- The most uncomfortable and bizarre game controller ever, it's sheer size and weight have lead many to believe that the Dreamcast was created to appease the Orcs (this has yet to be confirmed). There is a famous Holocaust story of 73 Jewish refugees hiding inside one of these controller's memory card slots and living on stale crumbs for over a year.
“Set your phasers to stun!”
- Rumble pack- The Dreamcast rumble pack (known as a "Force Pack" to the Jedi community) is actually a re-engineered phaser stolen from the U.S.S Enterprise by Martin Bromley while on LSD during the 60's. While it is a seemingly harmless component, SEGA has issued statements citing a few "Kinks" (Most likely referring to the device's tendency to fire ionized beams of particle energy at random, disintegrating anyone or anything in its path (32 deaths and 40 scorched vaginas so far).
Memory card (VMU)- The Dreamcast memory card, or VMU for "Virtual Mind Usurper", is a mind-altering cerebral probe, cleverly disguised as an external memory unit. Once placed into a controller, the VMU will emit a piercing screech, stunning the helpless victim as the probe attaches itself to his or her brainstem. Since the discontinuation of the Dreamcast in 2001, the surviving VMU's have separated themselves from the collective and begun murdering humans just for the hell of it.
Decline[edit | edit source]
In mid- 2000, SEGA corporation came face to face with a stark reality- The Dreamcast is a piece of shit. It's louder than a god damn jet, and it's total number of casualties was 75% higher than that of the Nintendo Gamecube. In their last ditch effort to make enough money to launch ANOTHER shitty system, SEGA put Operation:MINDFUCK into effect. In late 2001, SEGA used the last of it's funds to launch the satellite, DC-001, which was actually a supergiant Dreamcast system, into orbit. Utilizing a 1/2 mile wide, spinning version of the Dreamcast logo, DC-001 came close to accomplishing it's goal of brainwashing the people of earth into purchasing mountains of SEGA Dreamcasts. However, Luke Skywalker was able to fire a proton torpedo into the console's internet outport, causing the whole thing to asplode from the inside (The Greenday song, "American Idiot" was inspired by the events of operation MINDFUCK.)