Ursula
“HI I'M URSULA!”
Ursula is an anomalous entity known to reside in the headspace a certain very silly individual. Though she actually timeless, she manifests as as a 23 year-old blonde gladiator who excels at combat and feminism (for all you uneducated people out there, a gladiator is just someone who beats the tar out of other gladiators for a living, akin to the modern day politician). Her favorite pastime is being a princess.
Early Life[edit | edit source]
Ursula was born to the barbarian king Nordagh, ruler of the land of Nordagh, in 602 BC, along with her brother, Nordagh - I mean Urlan. From birth, Ursula proved to be an immensely annoying individual. Like insanely annoying. I cannot even describe to you the acute, excruciating exasperation wrought upon the eardrums of those individuals wretched enough to persist within the vicinity Nordagh's castle. Oh wait, I think I just did describe it. ANYWAY: As the youngest of twins, Ursula was detained in Nordaghr's lair by her father, Nordagh, for fear of what might happen to the land of Nordagh if she were ever let loose upon it. This really pissed Ursula off. At the age of 11, Ursula she discovered her lifelong love of feminism, and immediately became a feminist, even though feminism hadn't been invented yet. She made it her lifelong goal to "beat the red snot out of every man." At the age of 17, Ursula discovered her 
, and at age 18 she used her to beat the red snot out of Nordagh.
Ask Usus: How can I make my Affinity charge faster?
The easiest way to gain more affinity is by purchasing a new weapon with a higher affinity rating. Accessory items also add to affinity rating if their affinity type matches the gladiator’s weapon affinity type. You can view the affinity levels of all your warriors in the Affinities section of the School interface.
----- Press 
to continue -----
Early Career[edit | edit source]
Nordagh, having had the red snot beat out of him, decided it was a good idea to let Ursula loose on the land of Nordagh. Urlan, however, protested, so Ursula beat the red snot out of Nordagh. Then she beat the red snot out of Urlan. Then Nordagh again. This convinced Urlan that Ursula was strong enough to leave home and become a gladiator. And so the two of them set out to participate in the traditional gladiatorial games between the four nations (which lived together in harmony): the Fire Nation, Gryffindor, Nordagh, and Ohio. During the gladiator games, Ursula beat the red snot out of every man she encountered, including:
- Nordagh
- Urlan
- Some random bear in the woods
- Nordagh
- Nordagh
In the end, Ursula and Urlan became the champions of the gladiatorial games after emerging victorious from a particularly nasty duel with King Dedede and his army of Egyptians. Nevertheless, Ursula was not satiated. There were more men out there to beat the red snot out of, she was certain. She longed for adventures beyond the land of Nordagh.
Ask Usus: I keep falling in battle. What should I do?
Make sure you have your warrior equipped with the best items you can afford. A poorly equipped warrior is at a severe disadvantage.
----- Press to continue -----
The Shutting Up of Ursula[edit | edit source]
During her career as a gladiator, Ursula often struggled to be heard. This is because the people of Nordagh, realizing just how annoying she was, implemented the /muteaga command to force her to shut up for five minute intervals. The ancient texts describe Ursula's ear-piercing voice as follows:
- “sonic damage”
- “nails on a chalkboard”
- “squawking like a parrot”
- “Hey Jim, can you mute David again"
- "a dieing berd"
Despite their best efforts, however, Ursula could not be silenced, because she is Ursula. In the end, the people of Nordagh gave up, but not before putting up a great fight. An ancient monument stands in the land of Nordagh as a testament to the people of Nordagh's valiant efforts.
Ask Usus: Did you know that cashews come from a fruit?
Cashews, cashews, fr-fr-fr-fruit! Did you know that? NO!
----- Press 
to continue -----
Ursula's Travels[edit | edit source]
Determined to see the world and beat the red snot out of every man, Ursula left the land of Nordagh and traveled the world for nine days. She ventured to such exotic places as Dirtwater, Florida, the land of Nordagh, and your mom's house. Along the way, she beat the red snot out of every man she encountered, including:
- Louis XIV
- Terry Bogard
- Pontius Pilate
- Nordagh
It was during these travels that Ursula discovered her undying love of being a princess. She was visiting the famous Swedish landmark, IKEA, when she found it was actually an infinite pocket dimension with no discernible exit. She also noticed that tourists of the landmark covered their ears and begged for mercy whenever she spoke. A sign of respect for her great and powerful , Ursula concluded. This made her so happy that she made it her life goal to be princess. Well, her second life goal, after her life goal about beating the red snot out of every man, of course.
Ask Usus: "Love"? What is... "love"? I can not calculate.
Love... How can I explain it? Love tells you when you're not done yet. You make yourself happy when you find someone happy... have fun. If you like me, I will do my best to create problems for you.
----- Press to continue -----
The Battle against the Dork Lord[edit | edit source]
Just as Ursula finished traveling the world for nine days, a sudden, great evil threatened the world, the solar system, and other places yet to be discovered anywhere in the universe. The Dork Lord, Tingle, came to wreak havoc and terror on this miserable little world. Unfortunately for the Tingle, he was a man. How exactly Ursula found out that Tingle was a man is not known. The following is a recreation of the what likely transpired:
Ursula: "HI I'M URSULA! WHAT'S YOUR NAME?"
Tingle: "Mwaa ha ha haaa! I am the Dork Lord, Tingle! I've come to wreak havoc and terror on this miserable little world."
Ursula: "ARE YOU A MAN?"
Tingle: "What? Yes, I . . . "
Ursula: "OK. I'M GOING TO BEAT THE RED SNOT OUT OF YOU NOW."
Ursula gathered a ragtag band of warriors, including Enrique, the Spanish-sounding owl, some weird-lookin' armadillo thing, and Charlie. Together, they worked together to save the world together. Their crazy adventures led them them to such exotic places as Greenhorne, Yellowhorne, Jimhorn, and your mom's house. Along the way they helped many innocent people and also many guilty people, and saved a totally normal horse named ßॅ॥ॖ౸ᐇॢᔮ๛॑ҟβΦbో. Through the power of friendship, excessive quantities of divine intervention, and Ursula's , they finally managed to beat the red snot out of the Dork Lord, Tingle. Along the way, Ursula managed to beat the red snot out of several other men, including:
All of mankind thanked Ursula for her bravery against the Dork Lord. Well, at least the woman did. The men were really freaking tired of having the red snot beat out of it them. Actually, the women didn't either, as they were really freaking tired of Ursula's voice.
Ask Usus: I blacked out for a second... Is a pineapple still president?
He came out of my magic bag. So if you ever look at the world and you're like "wow, this is garbage," don't mow the lawn in my garden, you little jerks.
----- Press to continue -----
Jamie, Lord of Foxes and Depression[edit | edit source]
After defeating the Dork Lord, Tingle, Ursula decided to take a break from beating the red snot out of every man, and instead decided to pursue becoming a princess. Of course, she was already a princess, because she is Ursula. But she wanted to make sure everyone in the world, the solar system, and other places yet to be discovered anywhere in the universe knew that she was a princess. She decided ask the most powerful person she knew, Jamie, the lord of foxes and depression. Jamie, the lord of foxes and depression, said he would make her a princess, but for a price. The price was ice cream. And not just any ice cream. Legendary ice cream. Imagine the best ice cream you have ever eaten. Now imagine that this ice cream has transcended reality and become a being of light. The ice cream has become angelic ice cream. It is the god of all ice cream. That was the ice cream Jamie wanted.
Such an ice cream, of course, does not exist. So Ursula asked Jamie, lord of foxes and depression, if he would take a random person's soul instead. Jamie, lord of foxes and depression, said:
"Eh, why not."
It is not yet known who's soul was taken. However, Jamie, lord of foxes and depression, hinted that the soul may have been replaced with game-shows, like Supermarket Sweep. That is why it is believed that those who are obsessed with Supermarket Sweep do not have a soul.
Ask Usus: Is paprika a topping or a condiment?
Paprika is neither a topping nor a condiment, but a spice made from dried ground red peppers. Contrary to popular belief, toppings and condiments are not synonymous. A condiment is a prepared seasoning compound added to a food to enhance flavor, whereas a topping is only defined as that which is put on top other food for flavor or decoration. As such, mayonnaise falls under the category of condiment, but not topping, as it is not visible on the top of dishes in which it is used, whereas shredded cheese is a topping but not a condiment, as it is not a seasoning compound.
----- Press to continue -----
Later Career[edit | edit source]
In order to make Ursula a princess, Jamie, lord of foxes and depression, opened a time dilation level two in the fabric of space time. Ursula was sucked through space and time and space and space and time and space and space. When she awoke, she was residing inside the head of a certain very silly individual in the 21st Century. Most people would be upset, but Ursula couldn't be happier. She was not only now a princess, but her was bigger than ever. True to form, Ursula beat the red snot out of every man she encountered in the 21st Century, including:
Ever since a run in with the fuzz in which two police officers were turned into Ursula, Ursula primarily beats the red snot out of Jamie, lord of foxes and depression. This is because his hair pleases her. Jamie, lord of foxes and depression, endures it, most likely because Ursula's is his fetish.
Ask Usus: She is approaching.
Help.
----- Press to continue -----
Modern Day[edit | edit source]
After arriving in the 21s Ursula became a gamer girl on top of being feminist princess. She now runs a gaming channel called HI I'M URSULA with her four co-hosts: Milo the not-Spanish-sounding owl, Captain Falcon, and Charlie Brown. Sometimes she even invites guest hosts onto the show, such as Rich Bags McDouchemoney, Dolph Spaghetti, or Nordagh. Sometimes she also beats the red snot out of her guest hosts.
Ursula's channel is dedicated to tormenting those bold enough persist within the vicinity of a certain very silly individual. This torment takes the form of killing all her Pikmin, staring at her co-hosts for uncomfortably long periods of time, becoming Captain Canada, having in depth conversations about her with Alexa, and getting married.
As a gamer, Ursula uses her to help her game harder. Despite this, she keeps getting killed by the Skinwalker in her favorite game, Until Ursula. She has, however, played and beaten games such as:
Ursula is happily married to Ursula. She has one child, who she lovingly refers to as her cupcake son, because he is a cupcake. She has not yet told her son that bakeries exist.
Ask Ursula: HI I'M URSULA!
STOP SCREAMING WITHOUT ME!
----- Touch the to continue. DO IT! -----
Trivia[edit | edit source]
- Ursula is not Stephen, nor is she a building.
- Ursula's favorite Pokémon is Eevee, because Shinx is inferior.
- Ursula may or may not have had sexual relations with a Spanish-sounding owl.
- Ursula may or may not think bees are hot.
- Ursula is not racist.
- Ursula probably tastes like a bear. However, it is impossible to tell, as her skin masks her beautiful flavor.
- Reading this article while speedrunning Mario 64? Sounds like a time loss to me.
- Ursula's favorite MRE is Creamy Spinach and Fettuccine, and she plans to eat one right now.