Avatar: The Last Airbender
“What’s going on? Where are the blue aliens? What is this?”
“This is the version where the last airbender bends the last air!”
Avatar: The Last Airbender is a cartoon created by the Disney Channel. Or was it Cartoon Network? It's the one with the talking sponge. The story follows Super-Saiyan Caillou, as he and his pet lemur overthrow the most powerful nation in the world. That part was just the last four episodes, for most of the series Caillou and his friends travel the world and destroy cabbages. Apparently Caillou is an avatar or something. At least that's what the other characters claim, even though he doesn't look like a blue alien.
The show has been highly praised by vegans because cabbages are vegetables, and vegans like murdering vegetables.
A sequel series, Korra the Explorer, was released seventy years after the original. It features a new avatar named Korra and her talking backpack forcing little kids to speak Spanish.
There's also a movie based on the series, but we don't talk about it, because it sucks.
Characters[edit | edit source]
- Mike Abbages[1] Also known as Cabbage Guy, he is the true, tragic hero of the franchise. He provides nutritious produce, even in the face of adversity. His repeated encounters with Team Avatar have resulted in the repeated destruction of his inventory and a budding villain origin story that will see him turn into the Cabb-atar.
- Super-Saiyan Caillou A 12-year-old kid with a Reddit downvote on his head. Everyone thinks he's an avatar, but he is clearly not blue and probably not an alien. He's also an airbender, which is ironic because air rhymes with hair and Caillou is bald. In the movie his name is Ong, but like I said, we don't talk about the movie.
- Karrot Caillou's girlfriend, even though Caillou is 98 years older than her. She's considered one of the most complex and well-written female characters in all of western animation. For example, her mom died and she always has an opinion. She's also a water bender, meaning she can make anything with water, including pee, move.
- Sockman Karrot's brother. His personality is based entirely on meat, sarcasm, and boomerang. Throughout the series he impregnates almost every other character, including the moon. In the movie, which we do not talk about, his name is Soak-Cuh, and he's a vampire.
- Zuko Think Anakin Skywalker, but in reverse. A bit like Clown Wars' version of Anakin. And they're both hideously scarred to a degree after playing with fire.
- Tuff A tiny angry blind girl who can bend metal.
- Suki Sockman's ninja girlfriend who successfully converts him from misogynist to male-feminist. She wasn't even in the movie, which is why we don't talk about it. Also because the movie is terrible.
- Fire Lord Ozai Zuko's dad. A massive dick, and the leader of the Fire Nation. More commonly known by his Fursona, The Phoenix King.
- Uncle Iroh Zuko's wise, caffeine-addicted (only if it's tea, though!), wise-cracking, chill uncle. Think Mr. Miyagi, but fatter and funnier.
- Jet A kid who kind of looks like Cowboy Bebop from the anime Cowboy Bebop. He does some terrorism, gets brainwashed, and dies, as one does.
- Azula Zuko's 14-year-old psychopathic, lightning-shooting sister who also happens to be the Fire Nation's princess. Fans of the show are completely normal about her and not horny at all.
- Ty Lee Azula's bubbly, overly-flirty gal pal who does backflips and paralyzes people.
- Mai Zuko's goth girlfriend who likes pointy things.
- King Bumi Imagine Uncyclopedia, but personified as a crazy old guy.
- Avatar Kyoshi Some giant ghost lady who was one of Caillou's past lives, apparently. She shows up twice to endorse committing war crimes, and then leaves.
- Appa Caillou's air buffalo. (Think water buffalo, but all body water has been replaced with air.)
- Momo A bat-lemur hybrid. (Nothing to do with the bird-woman demon.)
- Avatar Roku and Fire Lord Sozin Two old men whose divorce is responsible for all the world's problems.
- Shibe The chonky dog that follows around Karrot because he thinks he looks sexy.
- General Tso, later Admiral Tso Some arrogant, ass-kissing bureaucrat from the Fire Nation known mainly for making chicken. He wants more street cred, though, so he tries to take Zuko's candy by kidnapping Caillou first. Admiral Tso then gets eaten by the Ocean Spirit for killing the Moon Spirit. The Ocean Spirit's review: tastes like chicken, 5/5.
- Princess Moon Girl She appears briefly, steals Sockman's heart, then peaces out to spend the rest of eternity being the moon. That's rough, buddy.
Plot[edit | edit source]
SOCKMAN: So, you see, Karrot and I were in a boat, and she did this weird magic thing to the water. And along came this giant ball of ice. Some kid was trapped in there, and he was bald. Also he had a pet cow thing. It turns out he was frozen in ice for a century, so we took him to see the corpses of all his friends.
KARROT: Sockman, you're not helping! Anyway, long ago the four nations lived together in harmony. Then, everything changed when the Fire Nation killed my mom. And the kid we found in the ice is Super-Saiyan Caillou, and he's the avatar! He's the only person in the whole world who can defeat the Fire Nation and bring back my mom. So there's this 16-year-old who wants to kidnap Caillou for some reason ...
ZUKO: I want my honor back! REEEEEEE!!!!
KARROT: ... so we had to find a waterbending teacher for me and Caillou on top of avoiding Zuko!
CAILLOU: We went around the world and I got to ride a bunch of sea monsters. That was fun.
SUKI: And that's when I kidnapped them! Sockman was kind of annoying, so I covered him in makeup and forced him to fight!
SOCKMAN: Caillou here got us lost in the woods!
CAILLOU: It's not my fault!
SOCKMAN: Well, there was no meat or sarcasm in these woods! How was I even supposed to survive there?
CAILLOU: Because Jet found us!
SOCKMAN: Oh, right! Jet, the 8-year-old terrorist who had sex with Karrot!
JET: I'm not eight years old!
KARROT: We never had sex!
JET: That's not how I remember it!
ZUKO: Ugh, you guys are so annoying! Can we just skip to the part where I almost got my honor back?
KARROT: Fine! So Zuko did some cosplay, and then we went to the North Pole so that Santa could teach me waterbending, but the sexist jerk wouldn't do it!
SOCKMAN: And I hooked up with a princess!
KARROT: I kind of forced Santa to teach me how to waterbend against his will. Things were going great for a while, but everything changed when ...
SOCKMAN: When the Fire Nation attacked. Yeah, we know.
KARROT: When the Fire Nation attacked! There were these magical fish things that they wanted to kill, for some reason.
CAILLOU: They weren't magic fish! They were spirits! They give the waterbenders their power!
GENERAL TSO: I killed one of those fish!
CAILLOU: They are not fish! They're spirits!
GENERAL TSO: Little boy, those were fish.
SOCKMAN: And then my girlfriend (not Suki) turned into the moon!
ZUKO: That's rough, buddy.
CAILLOU: I turned into a giant water monster and destroyed the Fire Nation's boats! And I ate General Tso while still being the water monster! That was fun.
a few weeks later[edit | edit source]
ZUKO: I finally grew some hair and stopped saying REEEEEEE! My uncle and I also started working at a tea shop in Ba Sing Se.
IROH: Tea? That "tea" is nothing more than hot leaf juice!
SOCKMAN: Pffft. Who needs tea when you got the QUENCHIEST QUENCHY CACTUS JUICE!? It'll quench ya!
AZULA: My dad is forcing me to travel the world looking for Zuko's honor.
SOCKMAN: We needed to find an earthbending teacher for Caillou, so we looked in the only rational place: Wrestlemania!
TUFF: That's me! I was Twinkle Toes's earthbending teacher! He was pretty bad at it, and he complained a lot. Also we visited some magic library in the desert and got attacked by an owl!
APPA: GWAARG!
TUFF: Oh, yeah, and some sandbenders kidnapped Appa. It wasn't my fault.
CAILLOU: Why did he have to get kidnapped? Why couldn't I save him? I know I could have! I ... I almost killed them. I almost killed them all. They were almost dead, every single one of them. Not jut the men, but the women and the children too! They were almost like animals, and I almost slaughtered them like animals. I ALMOST HATED THEM!
KARROT: We had to travel to Ba Sing Se to get Appa back, and on the way there we decided to warn the Earth King about the REDACTED.
SOCKMAN: This is quite boring. I just learned to write haikus! Take that you dumbasses!
u/Sockman-Haiku-Bot: Uh, that's one too many syllables, dumbass. **bops Sockman in the head**
JOO DEE: Sorry about the technical difficulty. Everything is going great here in Ba Sing Se. There is no war in Ba Sing Se. There is no Appa in Ba Sing Se. There is no tea shop in Ba Sing Se. There is no live-action The Last Airbender in Ba Sing Se. (If there was it would be awful anyways). There is no Caillou in Ba Sing Se. There is no Earth King in Ba Sing Se. THERE IS NO BA SING SE IN BA SING SE!
a few weeks later[edit | edit source]
SKYRIM GUY: Hey, you. Finally, you're awake.
CAILLOU: Where am I?
SOCKMAN: We're in a stolen Fire Nation battleship. And congratulations on growing hair! Now we just need to find you a good firebending teacher!
ZUKO: Hello, Zuko here. I could teach Caillou how to firebend.
CAILLOU: I just got an idea! What if I enroll in a Fire nation high school?
ZUKO: Guys, I'm right here!
CAILLOU: Hey, can anybody here teach me how to firebend?
ZUKO: I can.
KARROT: Hey, Zuko came back! Can you please help me kill somebody?
ZUKO: But I want to teach the avatar how to ...
SOCKMAN: And can you help me break my girlfriend out of prison?
ZUKO: But I need to ...
TUFF: And can you come see a terrible play about all of our lives?
ZUKO: Ugh, fine! And then can I teach Caillou?
SOCKMAN: Nope! I just drew up a battle plan for how we can defeat your dad!
KARROT: So, we had a plan for how to attack the Fire Nation, but then, everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked!
SOCKMAN: That's ... not exactly how it went down.
KARROT: I know, I just wanted to use that line again.
CAILLOU: And now ...
CAILLOU [singing]: I am bald, bald, bald, I like ... [rest of song redacted due to copyright]
ZUKO: Can I finally teach Caillou how to firebend?
SOCKMAN: Fine! But tomorrow, we're killing your dad for real this time.
CAILLOU: Aww, do I have to kill him?
AVATAR KYOSHI: Yes! Kill him!
CAILLOU: But it's not nice!
EVERYONE IN UNISON: Too bad! We crave bloodshed!
CAILLOU: Why can't I just cover him in glue and show him baby pictures?
KYOSHI: No! Murder is the only way of life!
CAILLOU: Okay, fine!
AZULA: I'm having a mental breakdown right now, does anybody care?
ZUKO: NO!!! Now, Caillou, it's time for you to kill my ... Wait, what are you doing?
CAILLOU: I took away his Flameo Hotman Juice! Now he can't hurt anyone!
KYOSHI: I still think you should have murdered him!
SUKI: Hey, let's change his name to the King of Guys Who Don't Win!
KING OF GUYS WHO DON'T WIN: Uh, how about no.
SUKI: How about yes?
KING OF GUYS WHO DON'T WIN: Well, I can't argue with that.
CAILLOU: Hey Karrot, wanna make out?
KARROT: I mean ... you're technically a hundred years older than I, yet you act ten years younger ... ah why the heck not?
CAILLOU: Baby, you're my forever girl.
[Kissy kissy and other stuff the kiddies shouldn't see].
TUFF: Ugh, oogies.
THE END!
There was supposed to be more, but it was cancelled in favor of the movie, which we don't talk about because it stinks!
Comics[edit | edit source]
Since this[2] is what you choose to read in your free time, I can only assume you don't know what a comic book is.[3] Let me set the scene:
The year is 1938. Two bozos by the name of Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster are taking a kitten huffing break at work. Jerry, high off his ass, decides to write a classy, high-concept novel about a guy running around with his underwear on the outside, shooting people with lasers. Joe, also high off Jerry's ass, decides to doodle all over the page like a nincompoop.
Surprisingly, publishers love Joe's doodles and include them in the finished work; thus a superior medium of entertainment is born. World War II ...
Wait a minute. This is supposed to be the Avatar article, not the history of comic books article. Phooey! And I had an entire drunken rant about Kirby dots planned, too!
Anyways, there's a series of comic books.
The Promise Zuko, who misread the word "Firelord" as "Landlord", decides to evict people from their homes on a whim. Some chick named Kori says "no! Don't evict us Daddy Zuko!" Zuko learns a powerful lesson that day: while landlords can do whatever they want forever with no regard for other people's livelihoods, Zuko can't, because he's not a landlord.
The Search Zuko's mom gets a nose job from God herself.
The Rift Caillou wants to visit a big grassy field to celebrate a sacred holiday Big Grassy Field Day. Instead, he finds out that the field is gone, because someone decided to invent New York.
Smoke and Shadow Zuko's girlfriend's crazy dad has a typical Girlfriend's Crazy Dad Moment.
North and South Don't you just looooove taking over impoverished nations in search of oil?
Imbalance An innovative new form of discrimination is invented.
The Last Airbender Prequel: Zuko's Story Hey, this one looks interesting. It follows Zuko's adventures right after he gets banished from the Fire Nation. I wonder what he gets up to ... Hey, wait a minute! This is a prequel to that damned movie! And what's the one thing we don't do here? Repeat after me: We don't talk about the movie under any circumstances, ever, lest our innards get torn out and eaten by wolf-bats.
Awards and nominations[edit | edit source]
Korra the Explorer[edit | edit source]
Seventy years after the first series ended, Korra la Exploradora was released. It revolves around a four-year-old girl who is the next avatar after Caillou. She has a talking backpack and forces kids to speak Spanish.
Theme song[edit | edit source]
This is the most memorable part of the show, especially when little kids scream it in your ears constantly. It goes something like this:
- Doodoo doo doo doo Korra!
- Doodoo doo doo doo Korra!
And I forget how the next few lines go, but then it goes:
- KORRA KORRA KORRA THE EXPLORER!
I don't know how to airbend but I destroyed a fascist robot!
And there's also a fox named Swiper who steals peoples' bending abilities.
The most famous episode is the last one, which is credited with inventing gay people. This decision has been criticized by the church, but praised by companies that sell frogs.
The movie[edit | edit source]
Nope. Nuh-uh. We are not talking about that movie here! That knowledge is forbidden. Do not mention that movie under this roof, young man! If you really want to know, though, just read the first third of the "Plot" section – but
- replace Caillou with Ong.
- replace Sockman with Jasper Cullen.
- replace anything cool that happens with "My name is Ong and I am the Oovatar".
- replace all of the fun moments with monotonous whining.
- replace big strong earthbenders with a bunch of dancers who with their powers combined ... can only earthbend a goddamn pebble.
- WHITEWASH ALL THE ASIAN-LOOKING CHARACTERS! Aside from the Fire Nation. Hmm ...
This movie is the ultimate Shaymalan Twist: turn arguably one of the best cartoons in history into one of the worst live-action abominations of all time.
Live-action Netflix series[edit | edit source]
I think there was a live-action Netflix series based on the show. I think I watched it. I don't really remember.
See also[edit | edit source]
Notes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ "ABB uh jiz", not "uh BAH jiz"
- ↑ click there
- ↑ If you did, you'd be reading one of those instead.