The Awesome, Booze-filled, KEWL empire of the Jovian Moons, dude.
The Jovian Empire of Revolving Kingdoms
|Motto: Gimme a beer!|
|Anthem: Booze, Booze, Booze!|
|Capital||Europa, but not the Greek one.|
|Largest city||Io: 25,665,438 1/2 pop.|
|Official language(s)||Portugese, Binary|
|Emperor||Emperor Dave the Great|
|Popular TV shows||This Ancient House, Jeopardy!, Anything on Comedy Central, That 'Syfy' one: They like to laugh at the stupid aliens.|
|National Hero(es)||Chuck Norris, Abraham Lincoln, Emperor Dave, Emperor Nero, Dionysus (The God of wine)|
|Established||A long, long time ago in a galaxy right here.|
|Major exports||Parties, trauma|
|Major imports||Abducted humans, BOOZE|
The Jovian Empire of Revolving Kingdoms (J.E.R.K., as it is better known) is an alien nation based on the moons of Jupiter. The history of the J.E.R.K. consists of heckling their neighbors in the wannabe Alliance of Saturnian Systems (aren't acronyms great), bugging those n00bs in the Holy Martian Empire, and generally screwing around with humanity.
Origins, What Passes for Ethics, and Foundation[edit | edit source]
The Jupiterians are a race of transcendental ascended beings of pure energy. Many people across the universe achieve a perfect understanding of the universe, and pass into the Astral Plane of spiritual peace. According to the Jovians, it sucks. Apparently, inner peace and harmony is freaking boring, and the Jovians ditched those serene astral bastards for physical existence. To this day, Jovians fear and loathe Buddhists and new-agey hippies. A Jovian will regularly check under his bed for hippies and, when they find them, beat them back with the hippie-sticks they keep in their closets.
The Jovian empire was founded when these energy beings popped up on Jupiter's moons and decided that they needed some kind of govermental organization to their existence. They mainly exist for tormenting those on their bad side and partying with those on their good side. Many activists complain that the Jovians, as super-powered energy beings who can bend matter to their will ought to help the poor and starving, to which the Jovians reply "screw you," and teleport off to Las Vegas for a hefty round of booze.
Jovian pastimes include making crop circles that spell obscene jokes in obscure alien languages, stealing your remote, and keeping the planet's alcohol industry afloat. The only real religion of the J.E.R.K. is hedonism, with an apatheist minority. Jovians delight in pissing people off, and use their supernatural powers to set up the most childish pranks ever created. The general annoyingness of the Jovians is cemented by the fact that they choose random humans to join them in their paradise (the Jovian idea of dating consists of randomly teleporting someone hot off the street and taking them to Jupiter for a three-second wedding and the heavy-drinking boozefest they call a wedding reception). Although the system seems imperfect to us, the Jovians manage it quite well. These newly-initiated Jovians quickly pick up traits like immortality, reality-bending powers, and a mean streak a parsec long. The Jovians' ability to control reality and alter the universe gives them many opportunities, but they mainly just gloat.
The Jovian Empire was founded on Europa (the moon of Jupiter, not the Greek whore who fucked the bull and blamed it on Zeus), with the sole intention of squeezing every last drop of enjoyment from the universe. The first emperor, Dave the Great, celebrated by teleporting to Norway with a big hammer and scaring people by throwing lightning everywhere. It is well known that he established the concept of Valhalla at the afterparty, and the concept of "not-getting-a-hangover-by-continuing-to-drink" on the morning after.
Wars and other conflicts[edit | edit source]
The Jovians' first conflict was with another group of ascended energy beings, who decided to follow the cool kids back to reality. They settled on Saturn, and quickly announced that they were forming a nation. The Jovians, using the facts that the Saturnians were galactic nerds, sent over a delegation to "welcome" the new entities. They suggested the name "Alliance of Saturnian States", and the Saturnians agreed. It wasn't until it was chosen as the permanent name for the Saturnian empire that the Saturnians noticed the acronym (A.S.S. for those unskilled in the fine art of spelling). This started a long tradition of Saturnians copying Jovians in an attempt to be cool and eventually looking like idiots.
Warning: this section intentionally offensive to scientologists[edit | edit source]
Next, the Jovians started to screw around with other planets, defacing the Face of Mars (earning them a negative reputation with the Holy Martian Empire, whom the Jovians refer to as n00bs) and continuing to mess around with Humans. This brought them into contact with the Scientologist alien ghosts (thetans), on whom they declared war on the grounds of "we were here first, bitches". The literally explosie contact startled the primitive humans below, starting the legends of various mythological figures including (but not limited to) Zeus, Ra, Odin, Loki, Mario, and Puff the Magic Dragon. Finally, the war ended with the Jovians given rights to abductions and minor pranks, while the Thetans got everything else.
The Jovians were depressed at this point, not only because they lost to Xenu and a bunch of retards, but because the humidor was empty, and there weren't going to be any more cigars for sevral hundred years. They briefly attempted to use time travel, but that backfired horribly when the test group got run over by an old man in a DeLorean.
Shortly after this, the shortest, probably most stupid war in the history of Jupiter began, though it was still a lot less stupid than a typical war on Earth: The Xenomorph wars. Dun, dun, DUNN!
Actually, there wasn't anything particularly scary about it. Jovians, being spiritual, energy thingies, have no chests for Xenomorphs to burst out of, and thus were the first, last, and only people in the history of the Universe to pwn Xenormophs. Sure, you'd lose a body every time those things pop out of your chest, but you can just make a new one, and the Xenomorphs eventually ran out of Facehuggers.
This process repeated itself sevral times, until the Xenomorphs all got jobs at McDonald's, and the Jovians got sick of buying new shirts. To celebrate their victory, the Jovians decided to have a three-day booze fest, and got a little carried away. It eventually streched to a month long, and the Jovian booze suppliers on Earth were running out of offerings.
The Jovians relied on the ancient Mayan civilization of central America for most of their intoxicating beverages, and made beer runs to the penninsula repeatedly to stock up on sevral thousand gallons of liquor apiece. Naturally, this eventually drained the Yucatan penninsula of all it's booze, and a conflict was inevitable. The Jovians appeared as primal gods to the Maya, and used their 'divine' influence to get offerings of beer, ceremonial couch cushions, and souveniers. After the Great Boozening began, the Maya finally ran out of liquor and made a plea of help to the 'Gods'. It went something like this:
Mayan Priest: Oh, great God, we welcome you to our humble kingdom, and we are forever graced by your divine power!
Jovian: Uh-huh, where's the booze?
Mayan Priest: Oh, Great God, there is great woe in our lands, for we have none of Thine sacred Booze to offer! Please, bless us for our many offerings, and we will be able to produce more in a golden age of peace and prosperity!
Jovian: Wait, you mean you're out of the booze!
Mayan Priest: Yes, Great God, so we beseech you to have mer-
Jovian: You son of a bitch! What am I paying you for?
Mayan Priest: You aren't paying us at all.
Emperor Dave promptly SMITED the insolent priest, and the Jovians carried off all the gold, pyamids, and single women under thirty-five in the entire civilization, ending the Mayan golden age, and letting those Aztec idiots take over.
Warning: This section has a lot of pictures![edit | edit source]
Jupiter was in a generally warlike mood, so they decided to invade the nerds over in A.S.S. This was done primarily out of national bloody-mindedness and boredom, and has always been one of the distinguishing events of Jovian history. The Jovian Armada flew out to Saturn, numbering in the thousands, ready for the climactic showdown. The A.S.S., however, chickened out and hid in caves on Titan. The Jovian army arrived, and discovered the 'brilliant tactic' of hiding in holes in the ground that only had one exit each. The Jovian commander gave a brilliant pre-battle speech, ending with 'We'll drive them out of their holes!' The speech was met with sustained cheering, until it was discovered that one private was laughing uncontrolably. When they asked him why, he responded 'ASS-holes!', and you can guess what happened next. The entire Armada fell over screaming with laughter, and the invasion was called to a halt. The Jovians retreated with their typical load of booze, and Jovian tourists go to see the sight of the famous battle to this day, mostly to get a good laugh.
Jupiter then proceeded to annoy their other space neigbors, after some idiot (right) snuck in the Jovian Imperial palace using a paper clip, and stole the Emperor's royal supply of Guiness. This infuriated the Emperor, having stolen it right from the back seat of the same flying DeLorean, and Jupiter went on a 'Being a jerk' spree: Playing ding-dong ditch with Emperor Palpatine, mooning Vulcans, giving those Independence Day aliens bad lifestyle ideas, and making a bunch of Jedi think they can move objects with their mind by giving them acid. Lots and lots of acid.
Then, they got into the hazy field of Galactic lawsuit law. With all their legal experience, the publishers of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy were able to sue the Jovians' metaphysical asses off.
Returning to Jupiter with a lot less money and very damaged egos, they decided that it was time to withdraw and spend their days meditating on the beauty of the Universe while sipping some tea. This, however, was exactly what got them into the whole mess in the first place, so they went back to boozing up, partying late, and kidnapping whoever they thought was hot.
Today, Jupiter is still ruled by Emperor Dave, mostly because no one else wants the job. Modern inventions such as videogames, meth, and the bikini have drastically improved the life on Jupiter.
Ethics[edit | edit source]
Economy[edit | edit source]
Jovians have an 'Extremly Free Market', meaning it is essentially anarchy without all the riots. This is the basic summary of Jovian economic interactions:
Notable Jovians[edit | edit source]
Things to blame on Jovians[edit | edit source]
-The Great Fire of London: Time-travelling secret agents Argus and Yulka teleported in from Jupiter, but Yulka really needed a smoke. So Argus used his super-awesome heat vision to light the cigarette, in the London kerosene, hay, and tar factory. (Sorry for the in-jokes.) [
-Why your homework is incomplete.