UnNews:Microsoft develops new state of matter

Sunday, February 23, 2025

Patient zero of the Quantum Cocaine revolution; double the straw, double the awe.

REDMOND, Washington -- Quantum physicians at Microsoft have announced the discovery of a new state of matter, "Quantum Cocaine", after what has been described as a "routine update" resulting in spacetime briefly falling victim to the Blue Screen of Death during a mere span of 0.28 nanoseconds. This breakthrough, which could revolutionise contemporary quantum computing, was reportedly made when an intern attempted to uninstall Edge and accidentally created a microscopic black hole.

Quantum Cocaine has been described to exist "in a superposition between solid, liquid, gas, plasma and a Windows Update that has remained stuck at 99% for thirty-odd consecutive hours". Early tests suggest that it enables infinite computational power, though subjects exposed to it have reported overwhelming sensations of euphoria, an existential reverence towards Clippy, an unshakable, steadfast creed that Windows Vista "wasn't actually that bad, now that I think about it", and a severe urge to delete the French pack off of every server using Linux in a 5,000 mile radius.

Microsoft has assured users that Quantum Cocaine will be integrated into all devices running Windows 11 via an upcoming forced update this April, though early reports indicate that some systems have reacted erratically - with a number of remarkably flexible Surface laptops all of a sudden having developed free will and demanding light refreshments from their users.

In response to the discovery, Google has teased its own experimental quantum material, nicknamed "Google Marijuana", which promises even higher processing speeds but requires every YouTube user to gaze mind-numbingly at three unskippable ads before accessing reality - and all of this without blinking. Meanwhile, scientists at Apple have dismissed both developments, claiming to have worked on "iMatter", an exclusive new form of existence that promises to "get reality high", available only to users with a $3,499 subscription. Side effects of iMatter include a compulsive need to look down on Android users (as a result of how high they both are and see themselves) and an inability to acknowledge the fact that cheaper alternatives are lurking in the cartels, just anticipating their consumption.

Sources[edit | edit source]

Ellyn Lapointe "Microsoft makes quantum breakthrough by creating new state of matter" Daily Mail, February 20, 2025

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• Detect "non-genuine" products

• Gather user information and credit card numbers

• Cripple core system components

• Deploy legal team

• Launch civil litigation

Estimated time:

Forever, or if you give me a cookie, I might shorten it to an hour.

Installing Windows has never been ~~easier~~ easy

All you need to do is phone your local Microsoft Customer Representative, write down a very long set of numbers, type it all in, get an error message, phone our Customer Representative again, adjust a few things, get another very long set of numbers, type
it all in again, install a few drivers, activate Windows again, lather, rinse and repeat.

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