TIE fighter
“Those TIE Fighters were barely flyable. Everyday one of my colleagues died during basic flights. We might as well have played Sudden Death Twister, Hell, even the Sherman tank would have been better.”
“lol, pwnt!”
“Yeah, consider yourself lucky that you don't have to go up against Banshees.”
“The oversized solar panels on the side ensures us that this craft is not contributing to galactical climate change.”
The TIE Fighter (Also known as the "EAAAAAAAAAAARGHSGKEEAAAAAAAAAAAAGH" ship) was the typical fighter used by the Empire. Notable features included aluminum foil hull, no life support system, no ejection seat, and an armament of two .22 caliber machine guns. As such these fighters had a damage potential slightly better than that of the Victory-class Star Destroyer. The big advantage was the Empire had a huge number of these fighters as they were cheap. Each fighter only cost about 50 credits, and 42 1/2 cents to build, plus another 200 credits to train a pilot. (There was no need to worry about paying the pilot a wage, as he would usually not survive long enough to claim one.)
The aluminum foil hull made this ship a death trap. A piece of space dust could easily breach the hull, causing the ship to explode. This was due to the fact the fuel was conveniently stored in small tanks scattered throughout the craft, any damage would likely blow one of them up. In any case the Imperial Grand Poohbahs did not care and viewed the ships as expendable. They were cheap, and every Imperial Starship and base had a minimal complement of 57 billion of these fighters. After combat statistics of these craft were released, showing a 95% attrition rate for the loss of 0 Rebel craft, the pilots demanded improvements. These complaints were answered by producing new variants of the TIE Fighter like the TIE Advanced x1, TIE Interceptor, TIE Avenger, TIE Defender, neckTIE, and TIE this scarf over your eyes, you're flying blind today! The other more economical response taken after billions were spent in R&D costs, was simply to execute any complaining pilots, and replace them with protocol droids.
This, of course, further degraded combat performance, and caused the Imperials to lose every single space battle. The Rebels later captured some TIE Fighters out of curiosity. They subsequently used them as an entertaining way to execute prisoners.
Trivia[edit | edit source]
- The TIE Fighters were stored by tying them to a giant pillar in the hangar bay.
- Famous TIE Fighter pilots included Baron Fel, Darth Vader, General Grievous, the Red Baron, Starbuck, and Spock
- Romour has it that TIE Fighters were usually bought in bulk using PayPal by The Umpire
- TIE Fighters were sold to many air forces outside of the Empire. These include the air forces of Egypt, Syria, Lebanon, and Jordan. Many historians attribute the loss of the Arab-Israeli conflicts to the TIE Fighter.
- Canada also purchased some TIE Fighters, but quickly replaced them with the much more reliable Sea King helicopter.
- In Vader's reign, TIE fighters were replaced with Thai fighters cause they were tasty.
- Airbags were installed on board after a group of stormtroopers died after a head on collision with the Death Star. This was done because insurance rates were skyrocketing due to the liability. Vader was unable to afford extra defenses for the exhaust vent. Money Vader will later wish he had spent.
- The TIE Fighter is the only object so loud that it's engine can be heard through the vacuum of space.
- The TIE used to be produced in Pakistan, the factory now produces soccer balls.
- Although TIE Fighters were produced in large numbers, it is difficult to purchase second hand ones now. We suggest you look on Craigslist.
- There were no survivors.
- Certain modified TIE Fighters obtained radio signals/broadcasts from earth, certain people deliberately crashed into rocks and other shit upon hearing certain radio stations.
