Oblivion Jesus
Not to be confused with OJ or OJ Simpson
“Oblivion Jesus is imba!”
“Get me out of this f**king game, I AM YOU'R MESSIAH!”
“I pity the foo' who don't download this mod!”
Origin[edit | edit source]
Oblivion Jesus.esp (or OJ for short) was a mod created for the popular 2006 game ‘The Elder scrolls IV: Oblivion’ by iGod. Included in the download from heaven was a Virgin_Mary.esp file for Catholics. Originally ‘Real’ Jesus was supposed to do the voice acting for his digital counterpart, but subsequently iGod asked Sean Bean to do it as ‘Jesus sounds like a pussy when he’s recorded’. Orlando Bloom was declined the part for the same reason.
Once downloaded, Oblivion Jesus immediately becomes sentient and wanders around in the game world being generally Messiah-ish. Oblivion Jesus has many powers, similar to, but not quite as good as having God Mode Turned On (iGod won’t let Oblivion Jesus be that good).
Instances[edit | edit source]
Oblivion Jesus had a beef with Giant Enemy Crab, who attacked him for no apparent reason, as it was two levels lower than him, and Jesus is ttly 1mBa, lol. After turning the other cheek a bit, OJ decided enough was enough, and ran away. Unfortunately his speed wasn’t so good as he’d been leveling up his wisdom, so the combat music continued to play until finally it pissed him off. At that point OJ spun round and unleashed a fireball at the huge crustacean. He proceeded to flip it onto it’s back and attack it’s weak point for MASSIVE DAMAGE. OJ then pointed and laughed ‘Pr4wNd j00 n()()b, l0lz0rz!!111’ (though he was himself a j00).
Giant Enemy Crab took his ass whooping like a man, well crab, and the two have been firm friends ever since.
Known Glitches[edit | edit source]
1.If you have downloaded the ‘Oblivion Cats’ Mod prior to Oblivion Jesus, OJ may attempt kitten huffing. To solve this conflict, either remove Oblivion Cats, or find Jesus some real ‘in game’ drugs (Skooma, Felldew, Greenmote, Nirnroot) to give him a better buzz.
2.When completing the story, and being named ‘Champion of Cyrodiil’ Oblivion Jesus will attack you and pwn your ass. Reload and he will do it again. Apparently Cyrodiil is too small for two saviors. You can’t remove OJ either as once you activate the mod he is ingrained into your pc. You can’t uninstall the game, or wipe the hard drive. In short you’re fucked.
3. If Oblivion Jesus ever runs into Martin Septim, not only are you fucked, but the world is too. It is written in the stars that if two characters voiced by Sean Bean should meet, then the universe will implode.
4. Oblivion Jesus may periodically attempt to escape through your monitor. If this happens, immediately pray to Allah and hope that in the ensuing conflict you can sidle away unseen.
5. Oblivion Jesus may pwn your ass if you get too many infamy points...or too many fame points..or just seemingly at random. If this happens, you're fucked.
6. If you call your character Happy Gilmore or John Howard, and OJ catches you, you're fucked.
| † The Holy Family of the Jesii † | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
The Sacred Host of Major Jesii
The So-So Company of Other Jesii
The Abandoned Hallway of Unwanted Jesii
The Sacred Host of Minor Jesii
| ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||