French language

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Cet article pue la mort et on devrait lui faire bouffer ses burnes. Non, sincèrement, je l'encule à sec...

Jean Dupont on the way you burst his culture

It's really hard to speak, but we'll gangfuck you anyway!

Girls Aloud on speaking French

I love the French language... it's a delightful language, especially to curse with. It's like whopping your ass with silk.

Oscar Wilde on speaking French

La « langue » française est une langue très étrange, pratiquée par une obscure tribu appelée les Français, ils vivent reclus dans un pays en forme d'étoile écrasée et déformée par un 40 tonnes en libre circulation sur une petite route de campagne, nommé la France. Et aussi des îles un peu partout dans le monde, nommées "Départements d'outre mer". Cependant, il n'est pas rare de trouver aussi des Français au Canada, en Suisse, en Belgique, ou au pays des Schtrompfs, mais aucun de ces Français n'a la teinte de l'original. Selon la rumeur, personne en France ne parlerait Français que dans le seul et unique but d'emmerder les anglophones. Les Français eux même ne parleraient jamais Français entre eux. Cette rumeur est plus que douteuse et a probablement été lancée par DES SALES FRUSTRÉS BOUFFEURS DE STEAK CONFITURE ROSSBIFS DE MES DEUX ! GODE SAÏVE ZE COUINE ! Quelques personnes pensent que le français est une langue, mais c’est faux. En effet le français est seulement de l'anglais très, très, très mauvais, la preuve : La languex francaise est possesment voules in incroyablement excèss. L'anglais est lui même un abominable dialecte germain qui a dégénéré jusqu'à l'apparence diforme et étrange que nous connaissons.

En fait, c'est très probable qu'il n'y ait personne qui puisse lire ce paragraphe.

A part les rigolos de Francais qui passent ici (dont moi).

Possible translation:

There's French people in Smurfs's land, in Belgium, in Switzerland, in Québec, in some islands in some parts of the world and in Sénégal. There's no French language, in fact, it's a really bad English. (and in fact English is a really bad German dialect, which is nothing but some degenerate vieux françois(auld french)) All the rest is stupid non-sense French sentences and something that might be "God Save the Queen" or mean "Dildo ream the vagina"; we're not sure.

Due to French arrogance, the French language is inexplicably considered a "language of diplomacy" and continues to be spoken by dozens of people all over the world. Also French is the Gay version of Latin.

French numerals[edit]

Given la very low-lying position of les Frenchmen dans la evolutionary scale, les French count numbers using all four hands, en base twenty. Here are some examples:

  • 3: twat (the final "t" is silent)
  • 20: vingt (lit. twenty)
  • 79: soixante dix neuf (lit. sixty nineteen 60+19)
  • 80: quatre-vingts (lit. four twenties, 4*20), ène egain, you've sine noszsing, ine Belgique, itse « Octante »
  • 94: quatre-vingt quatorze (lit. four twenties and fourteen, 4*20 + 14), note like ze "s" diceupearz sometaïmes

ok, you get it. They have also developed special symbols for the numbers from 10 to 19. Here are some examples:

  • 11: a bottle of wine
  • 12: a woman bending over, on her knees
  • 14: la tour Eiffel
  • 16: a snail climbing up
  • 17: a woman's leg
  • 18: a frog
  • 19: a snail climbing down
Francais numerals un-dix
1- errn 2- derr 3- twa 4- cut
5- sank 6- sis 7- set 8- whit
9- nerf 10-dis

French Canadian version[edit]

The combination of French numerals and Imperial units tends to piss off even the most good-natured Canadian. They have developed their own very special names for the powers of 20:


  • 512 128 024 800: tabarnac deux-viarge trois-Crisse deux-marde!

Même si en fait, "shit" en français est "merde", et pas "marde". Quel dommage! C'est con, ça alors, hein ? Oui bon, en fait, marde c'est la version québécoise de merde parce que la langue française de France a évolué différemment. Voilà. ("Les françaaais d'France manquent de fibre dans leurs baguettes et leurs pâtés d'foie gras, alors leur marde a l'aspect de merde." --Jos Tarbarnac)

French R[edit]

The "R" in French is not pronounced like in English. It kind of sounds like gargling. If you can do this, than you can pretty much pass for French.

Here's How: -Open your mouth.

-Close your throat and carefully enunciate the sound K, several times.

-Pay attention to where in your throat the K sound is made. We'll call this the K place. -Begin slowly closing your throat, as if to keep from swallowing a mouthful of liquid, until you can almost feel the K place. Your throat should be only partially constricted.

-Tense the muscles around the K place.

-Gently push air through your partially constricted throat.

Practice saying Ra-Ra-Ra (where R = steps 4-6) every day. Tips:

-Try not to think of this letter as an R. The French R is nothing like the English R (pronounced in the middle of the mouth) or the Spanish R (pronounced in the front of the mouth). The French R is pronounced in the throat.

-The French R sounds a lot like the ch in 'Loch Ness' and the kh in Arabic transcription (e.g., Khalid).

Arabic is not a living language like English. Like French, it too is a dead language. L'Âcâdêmîê Frânçôîsê prevents French from growing by retarding her development by putting alcohol in her feeding tube and carbon monoxide in her respirator. Donc défense de changer !

French Verbs[edit]

French verbs are without a doubt the most mind-bending aspect of the French language, where the end of a verb shovels in meaning concerning tense, mood, person, number, possibility, intent, sincerity, familiarity, supposition, and likelihood of getting it on with you, all crammed into mostly silent letters that the French can sense by telepathy, but you can't (good luck!) Even the simplest verb may morph into bizarre forms:

ALLER: To go

  • Je vais: I am going
  • Tu vas: You (familiar person) are going
  • Vous allez: You (rude stranger) are going
  • J'irai: I will go
  • J'irais: I would go (since the "s" is silent, turn on that telepathy to tell the difference from the previous. Good luck!)
  • Je serais allé: I would have gone
  • Que j'aille: ...that I may go... (this is the Subjunctive Tense, which resembles a grue and, like a grue, often comes up only in imaginary, supposed or unlikely situations.)
  • J'iraîghghghr: I'll go if I feel like it; stop bugging me!
  • Que j'eusse aillâàâààrgh: (literary 18th-century tense; no longer used in speech except in Normandy) ...that I may have gone, but the traffic and carriages and the constant stench of horse-offal dissuaded me...
L'exactitude effective de cet article est absolument indiscutable. ~ Osquar Wilde
"As much as I hate him, Osquar is right. I would not want to çhange a thing" ~ Mark Touain

And let's not forget, if you are a male, not of French-speaking origin, and you decide to take French, you are certainly a faggot. If you are not convinced, think of all the guys you knew in college who took French AS A MAJOR and name one you would feel safe being in the shower with after a rough game of soccer. Funny, I can't think of any either. If someone took French as either a minor or simply took a couple introductory classes, they are most likely not homos, but simply had to conform to some pinko, communist college rule that said they had to take a second or third foreign language.

In French, the word 'douche' means shower. You however, are still a douche for never showering in the first place.

French in the nature[edit]

French is also spoken by nature, especially, river, jungle, lake and swamp. but French they speak is very special, so we hear it as croaking.

See also[edit]