Forum:The Death of GlobalTourniquet

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He hasn't been around for several weeks now. I'm beginning to fear for the worst. —Sir Guildensternenstein 17:17, 30 April 2009 (UTC)

Tell me about it. I'm starting to think he might have got (shudder) laid. pillow talk 18:15, 30 April 2009 (UTC)

Pray tell, what is this 'laid' you speak of? --CrabPope 18:48, 30 April 2009 (UTC)

Impossible, I've done that, like, once before (I think?) and I'm still here. I don't have a girlfriend anymore, but I'm still here. —Sir Guildensternenstein 19:04, 30 April 2009 (UTC)

Why are you guys all acting like you've never had sex? —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 19:12, 30 April 2009 (UTC)

I seem to remember something about him and certain 'finals'. Or was that about someone else? —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 19:12, 30 April 2009 (UTC)

I work on the premise that people who are here are probably NOT getting enough sex .I don't include me as I multi task - which is tricky and needs a lot of explaining to your companion ! --Romartus 19:26, 30 April 2009 (UTC)

Yeah; like your left hand cares what your right hand is doing. -OptyC Sucks! CUN19:46, 30 Apr

Haha! ZING! --CrabPope 20:10, 30 April 2009 (UTC)

/me really needs to get that one girl's phone number. And a phone. And some-- Hey, what's a really good lube? I want some that's apple-flavoured. Cherry-flavoured is too clichéd. --MegaPleb • Dexter111344 • Complain here 20:13, 30 April 2009 (UTC)

I was the dude who had finals to do (though I'm largely done with them), and we're acting like we've never had sex because most of the people here probably haven't. I mean, I have, because I'm fucking great (or, to put it another way, great at fucking), but not everyone can be as naturally talented as I. Or something. Yeah. —Sir Guildensternenstein 21:47, 30 April 2009 (UTC)

I'm morbidly obese. When I ride my moped, all you can see is the tires. Sir Modusoperandi ^Boinc! 22:33, 30 April 2009 (UTC)

I always considered you modusly opese. Whatever that is. —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 21:50, 1 May 2009 (UTC)

I like how this has gone totally off-topic. —Sir Guildensternenstein 22:48, 30 April 2009 (UTC)

I've got a thing full of screws. Would you like some? --MegaPleb • Dexter111344 • Complain here 23:18, 30 April 2009 (UTC)

I have a girlfriend, we don't have sex. We're both asexual. The Crazy Bitch, HouseMDfan 23:49, 30 April 2009 (UTC)

No lesbian sex? That's a bummer. —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 21:51, 1 May 2009 (UTC)

It is a bummer. But I'm gonna slip her a roofie one of these days, just to see what sex is like. ;) ~ HouseMDfan 05:00, 2 May 2009 (UTC)

Make sure you film it, yeah? Then get a pee review so we can tell you what you're doing wrong. -OptyC Sucks! CUN16:02, 2 May

No problemo. I'll be sure to. ~ HouseMDfan 05:08, 3 May 2009

You're going out to get laid? Get me one. • Spang • ☃ • talk • 01:14, 01 May 2009

They come in packs of five. You gonna be able to cover it? -OptyC Sucks! CUN17:11, 1 May

Back on topic

Where IS Global? I hope he doesn't vanish, never to be see again... Saberwolf116 17:11, 2 May 2009 (UTC)

I know, really, he was good, and apparently cared about his work here quite a bit, so it's odd to see him just disappear into the blue. —Sir Guildensternenstein 20:03, 2 May 2009 (UTC)

I sincerely hope he's alright. —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 20:06, 2 May 2009 (UTC)

You've just answered the riddle. We attract the best but, being Uncylopedia, keep only the worst. Sir Modusoperandi ^Boinc! 20:07, 2 May 2009 (UTC)

GlobalTourniquet:

I want you to know that I care. IronLung 21:51, 2 May 2009 (UTC)

I hope he returns but Uncyclopedia chews you up and then spits you out. So perhaps he is artistically resting. --Romartus 15:52, 3 May 2009 (UTC)

Obituary: GlobalTourniquet, 12 June 2007-29 April 2009

GlobalTourniquet lived a wild, wacky, wangdoodle life and died much the same way.

We are saddened by the death of an Uncyclopedian, GlobalTourniquet. We will do it in an old Catholic funeral fashion. Don't worry, we will not rape you. Here it is:

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Eulogy from Rayquaza, Catholic Archbishop of Giratinaton

(In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, Amen.)

We lost GlobalTourniquet only days, or weeks ago, but we have missed him for a long time. We have missed his kindly presence, that reassuring tone of his typing, and the happy ending we all had wished for him. It has been 100 years, give or take ten years, since he said his own farewell; yet it is still very sad and hard to let him (or her) go. Some user belongs to the ages now, but we preferred it when he/she belonged to us.

In a life of ironic fortune, he valued above all the gracious gift of his fans, who will remain anonymous. During his career, GlobalTourniquet passed through a thousand crowded buildings; but there was only one person, he said, who could make him lonely by just leaving the room. Sadly, he never actually said who that was.

Wikiland, my Pokemon, the people of the Filipino Empire and the people of Goa Tse Temple honors you, Uncyclopedia, for the loyalty and love you gave this man on a wonderful journey, and to that journey's end. Today, our whole community grieves with you and your families. Mainly because it’s laundry day, and inevitably socks will always get lost no matter how attentive you are but also because we like to pretend we care.

When the sun sets tonight off the coast of the Philippines and Wikiland (very old in-joke there; no one used Wikiland anymore since Wikia took over Uncyclopedia in October 1984/2008), and we lay to rest our father of Unpsychlopedia, a great Uncyclopedian story will close. The second son of Whatsherface and Thatguy user first knew the content-free world as a place of random edits, quiet discussion pages, stupidity-lit rooms, and mowers pushed by that Creepy guy who lives across the street. If you could go back to the Uncyclopedia of 2005, you'd find a nOOb of unknown gender and age writing horror stories such as Veil of smoke and mirrors, or running with his fellow writers, Sonic80, along Sarcasm River, and coming home to a little house of the old man down the street. That town was the kind of place you remember where you prayed side by side with your neighbors, and if things were going wrong for them, you prayed for them, and knew they'd pray for you if things went wrong for you, all the while knowing that God would answer those prayers, eventually. Hopefully. If you were worthy, but most likely you weren’t. You and your neighbors were content just to comfort yourself in God’s Word.

As he showed what a leader should be, he also showed us what a man (or woman) should be. GlobalTourniquet carried himself, even in the most powerful “office”, with a decency and attention to small kindnesses that also defined a good life. He was a courtly, gentle and considerate man, never known to slight or embarrass others. Many people across the country cherish letters he wrote on his own keyboard -- to Uncyclopedia members on important occasions; to old friends dealing with sickness and loss; to nOObs with questions about his days in Enzo Akuari.

We think of a man advancing in years with the sweetness and sincerity of a Scout saying the Pledge which, ironically, is pretty gay. So, instead we think of that grave expression that sometimes came over his face, the seriousness of a man angered by injustice, and frightened by nothing. We know, as he always said, that Uncyclopedia's best days are ahead of us, but with GlobalTourniquet's passing, some very fine days are behind us, and that is worth our tears.

(Pause for fellow users to squeeze out some tears and ignore knocking noises and muffled shouts of "I'M NOT DEAD, YOU ASSHOLES! LET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE!" from coffin.)

And as I have GlobalTourniquet's coffin loaded up to the hearse, where he would be sent to be buried in the Arc de Momartik, and he will be remembered by the Giratinatonese and Wikiland forever until the world ends.

May God bless GlobalTourniquet, and Uncyclopedia, and Jimbo Wales.

Amen.

(In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, Amen.)

(Giratina says "Go eat shit fuckers!" afterwards)

|Si Plebius Dato' Joe ang Giratina CUN|IC Kill | 10:27, 4 May 2009 (UTC)

TL;DR. kthxbye Colour Sig For Make Mahm00shA Look Cool 02:43, 6 May '09

Your comments here

Goodbye, Global. I commend you to the ages. Saberwolf116 11:56, 4 May 2009 (UTC)

Fair ye well, noble one. —Sir Guildensternenstein 00:02, 6 May 2009 (UTC)

I'm not dead yet, sir...

Have you ever been a ghost at your own funeral?

Here's the thing, to dispel all murmuring. I live in the greatest country in the world, they tell me. Still, there is a prejudice against the unemployed. My acute bronchitis turned into Pneumonia, and I had no way of getting quality health care in California. So I moved up into the boon docks of the Olympic Peninsula in Washington near my parent's sprawling land, where, being considerably bluer than the I.E., they have relatively good free health care, and faked my residency. But the place is so remote, that I have no internet access. If you can believe that (they're working on it).

The good news is I'm feeling much better. And I was only asked if I cared to make a donation. I put in $5. Unemployment isn't paying much to where I could afford much more.

In fact, I think I'll make it.

In the words of my former governator, I'll be back.

--Globaltourniquet - (was TPLN) 02:28, 6 May 2009 (UTC)

You're just lucky it wasn't obtuse bronchitis. Sir Modusoperandi ^Boinc! 02:57, 6 May 2009 (UTC)

or right-angled swine flu Colour Sig For Make Mahm00shA Look Cool 03:26, 6 May '09

Or even swine flu- wait, someone said it. Remember the death of Some user? |Si Plebius Dato' Joe ang Giratina CUN|IC Kill | 08:02, 6 May 2009 (UTC)

Thank Jebus you're alive! —Sir Guildensternenstein 02:11, 7 May 2009 (UTC)

Oh no! Move back so we can share a bottle of gin and watch King of the Hill reruns! -RAHB 09:45, 23 May 2009 (UTC)

The Death of An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays?

Last edit was 23 February 2009. --Docile hippopotamus 07:32, 6 May 2009 (UTC)

The bastard has invented time machine. He should come back. -- Style  Guide 10:05, 23 May 2009 (UTC)

I can't organise his funeral. Sorry. |Si Plebius Dato' Joe ang Giratina CUN|IC Kill | 10:42, 23 May 2009 (UTC)

MUP

This user is a part of the Missing User Project. You may refer to them as a MUPpet.

Use it. Love it. --Sir DJ ~ Irreverent 09:09, 6 May 2009 (UTC)