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Recently featured: John Marshall You Rob Gronkowski Kirkification Archive · Vote for featured articles · Did you know... ... that the Deep-fried Mars Bar is responsible for the deaths of thousands in Scotland? (Pictured) ... that the keyboard you have been using has more germs than your toilet seat? ... there's a ninja behind you but it left when you turned around? ... that the sport of Water Polo can be greatly improved with the addition of sharks? ... that if you breed a Bulldog and a Shih Tzu; you will get a Bullshit? ... that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish? ... that "Rosebud" was his sled? Oh wait, everyone knew that. ... Altaïr has excelled in the tactics of fooling the mentally challenged? ... that the Deep-fried Mars Bar is responsible for the deaths of thousands in Scotland? (Pictured) ... that your car is rolling down the driveway right now? ... that the amazing sensation of excruciatingly warm liquid on the genitals is just one of many reasons to pour boiling hot water down your trousers? ... that your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory? ... that every time you blink, you get transported to another alternative Universe? ... that Santa sees you while you're sleeping, and he knows when you're awake? ... that one person can change the world, but the admins will probably just revert it? ... that people residing or visiting Canada often ask themselves, "Why am I in Canada?" ... that the Deep-fried Mars Bar is responsible for the deaths of thousands in Scotland? (Pictured) ... that the keyboard you have been using has more germs than your toilet seat? ... there's a ninja behind you but it left when you turned around? ... that the sport of Water Polo can be greatly improved with the addition of sharks? ... that if you breed a Bulldog and a Shih Tzu; you will get a Bullshit? ... that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish? ... that "Rosebud" was his sled? Oh wait, everyone knew that. ... Altaïr has excelled in the tactics of fooling the mentally challenged? ... that the Deep-fried Mars Bar is responsible for the deaths of thousands in Scotland? (Pictured) ... that your car is rolling down the driveway right now? ... that the amazing sensation of excruciatingly warm liquid on the genitals is just one of many reasons to pour boiling hot water down your trousers? ... that your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory? ... that every time you blink, you get transported to another alternative Universe? ... that Santa sees you while you're sleeping, and he knows when you're awake? ... that one person can change the world, but the admins will probably just revert it? ... that people residing or visiting Canada often ask themselves, "Why am I in Canada?" ... that the Deep-fried Mars Bar is responsible for the deaths of thousands in Scotland? (Pictured) ... that the keyboard you have been using has more germs than your toilet seat? ... there's a ninja behind you but it left when you turned around? ... that the sport of Water Polo can be greatly improved with the addition of sharks? ... that if you breed a Bulldog and a Shih Tzu; you will get a Bullshit? ... that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish? ... that "Rosebud" was his sled? Oh wait, everyone knew that. ... Altaïr has excelled in the tactics of fooling the mentally challenged? ... that the Deep-fried Mars Bar is responsible for the deaths of thousands in Scotland? (Pictured) ... that your car is rolling down the driveway right now? ... that the amazing sensation of excruciatingly warm liquid on the genitals is just one of many reasons to pour boiling hot water down your trousers? ... that your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory? ... that every time you blink, you get transported to another alternative Universe? ... that Santa sees you while you're sleeping, and he knows when you're awake? ... that one person can change the world, but the admins will probably just revert it? ... that people residing or visiting Canada often ask themselves, "Why am I in Canada?" ... that the Deep-fried Mars Bar is responsible for the deaths of thousands in Scotland? (Pictured) ... that the keyboard you have been using has more germs than your toilet seat? ... there's a ninja behind you but it left when you turned around? ... that the sport of Water Polo can be greatly improved with the addition of sharks? ... that if you breed a Bulldog and a Shih Tzu; you will get a Bullshit? ... that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish? ... that "Rosebud" was his sled? Oh wait, everyone knew that. ... Altaïr has excelled in the tactics of fooling the mentally challenged?	In the news 1977-2026 US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters So.. about that Super Bowl.. Bad Bunny and TPUSA offer equally heathen, equally crappy halftime shows GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL!! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Next season's Super Bowl revealed to be on Valentine's Day Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Buffalo Bills owner Terry Pegula proven to be clueless, fires the wrong guy Denver Broncos quarterback Bo Nix accidentally curses himself in playoff win Ongoing: Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • Fallout from the Epstein Files • Winter Olympics • r/TheDarnold still having a massive field day • NFL fans experiencing withdrawal symptoms with the season now over Recent deaths: Lamont • Brad Arnold • NFL season • Lindsay Vonn's leg • Some kid from some movie you probably forgot existed, but had a funny title • James Van Der Beek (Not Dick Van Dyke, Ashley Roberts from the Pussycat Dolls!) (Pictured) • Robert Duvall • Kurt Van Dyke (not Dick) • Jesse Jackson • YouTube • Tom Noonan Not dead: Dick Van Dyke, who's 100, bitches!! (Not to be confused with James Van Der Beek) • Quinton Reviews Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Weed • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Dancin' Maduro • Aaron Rodgers' career • Iran's government • The careers of everyone named in the Epstein Files (cough cough Bill and Hillary Clinton) • Travis Kelce • the US government, again • Warner Bros. (?) • A Las Vegas hotel that no one's going to care about On this day... February 19: Alt + F4 Day 1600 - A volcano explodes in Peru. It's a good first line for a limerick, I guess. 1807 - Aaron Burr, former Vice President and guy who shot Alexander Hamilton, is imprisoned for treason; Burr is released following a quadruple rhyming triplet and an emotionally resonant leitmotif allusion. 1846 - The State Government of Texas is officially established in Austin, its first act: Mexican food sold within the state must include at least 200% recommended cheese intake. 1915 - World War I: The first attack on the Ottomans commences as the Australians attack the shoreline with drop bear reinforcements. 1949 - Ezra Pound decides that poetry is the perfect medium for his antisemitism, mostly because Jew can be rhymed with so many other words. 1954 - The Soviet Union transfers Crimea from Russian land to Ukraine, which will cause absolutely no problems in future. 1985 - EastEnders stars airing in the UK, causing more Brits to be visibly depressed.
Featured picture Some modifications have been made to the newest translation of the Holy Bible. In this scene (often called "Palm Sunday"), Jesus is now riding a raptor. While this was partially made to help make Jesus more accessible to Today's children, the decision was also made because certain Christians didn't want people to be able to say that Jesus was "riding someone's ass" that day. Both scientists and fundamental Christians question the historical accuracy of this account. From the New Cooler Edition: "And Christ touched the Velociraptor, and the Velociraptor was tamed." Luke 13:37 (NCE) Image credit: Tshell View image · Nominate new image · View all featured images
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Writer and Noob of the Month Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome! So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore. Let us all clap for him because I said so. Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage! Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls. Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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