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The fortune I pulled out of the cookie was very clear in its message. That was at least one thing I could cling to in this utterly mad place. This was a Burger King for Christ's sake, not a Chinese restaurant. So perhaps it was for my own sanity that I took the fortune cookie's message to heart. Given the time and resources, I was sure I could have written a better one myself, but the effort was appreciated, and the implications were horrifying: Stop watching porn or you will die. That was it. No explanation. No lucky lotto number picks or a learn to speak Chinese Easter egg. Just a blunt ultimatum, punctuated by the faint scent of vanilla and sesame oil. I didn't even eat the cookie. I was too shocked, taken aback at this fortuitous turn of events. Also I noticed that the cookie had taken on the sort of rubbery texture that they tend to get when left past their best date of consumption for too long. I found it unappetizing, but curiously arousing. I had to get out of there. (Full article...) Recently featured: Metalheads 9-11 Shoutbox Clairvoyance among dinosaurs Archive · Vote for featured articles · Did you know... *... that 69% percent of statistics contain sexual innuendo? ... that the Rorschach inkblots all look kinda like my Aunt Gladys giving head to Satan? ... that 69% percent of statistics contain sexual innuendo? ... that the Rorschach inkblots all look kinda like my Aunt Gladys giving head to Satan? ... that 69% percent of statistics contain sexual innuendo? ... that the Rorschach inkblots all look kinda like my Aunt Gladys giving head to Satan? ... that 69% percent of statistics contain sexual innuendo?	In the news Boxer shorts, like a real man. And Bruce Lee black pants. Obama to Democrats: "toughen up, you fucking pussies!" (Pictured) Trump sends condolences to tough-guy actor "Mikey Madison" Clint Eastwood announces plans to live forever Trumpman introduces Trumpmobile Diddy gets off easy, possibly due to bribing jury Musk establishes "Porky Pig Party" to combat Trump's "Big Beautiful Bill" United Nations Secretary General gives up on world peace, World War Three begins Netanyahu and Khamenei get it on Trump joins in for threesome, blows load Khamenei fails to follow up after dirty talk, taps out Elon Musk breaks up with Trump Trump sends condolences to "Sly Stallone" Trump celebrates TACO Wednesday by reversing course on long-held campaign promise THE ROCKIES HAVE WON A SERIES! Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Silksong, TAWOG, Stranger Things 5, and Spaceballs 2 • Russian Invasion • Gaza War • Trump and Elon's feud.. make up.. no one knows anymore • Animal-related live-action remakes kicking Snow White's ass • Jaws 50th anniversary • Colorado Rockies game replacing Jaws airing • Israel/Iran "peace talks" • Pittsburgh Steelers adding old players way past their prime • Rock drummer exodus (not to be confused with Tom Hunting or Zbigniew Fyk) Recent deaths: Ariana Grande's Nonna • Canadian team's bid to win the Stanley Cup, again • PF4Eva's headphone cable • Jimmy Swaggart • Diddy's freedom for only 20 years • Michael Madsen • Diogo Jota • Texas flood victims • LA ICE raids Upcoming deaths: DEI • Tom Cruise's career of sprinting on-screen • Pittsburgh Steelers' locker room • Greta Thunberg? • R. Kelly • Iran's nuclear program • Oil prices • Dumbasses with fireworks in their backyards • Diddy's bank account after incoming lawsuits • The asshats who spoiled Squid Game • MAGA On this day... July 14: National Surrender Day (France) 1789 - French citizens storm the Bastille, a large prison, and free seven prisoners who were wrongly incarcerated after being accused of that most heinous of crimes in France: being English. 1798 - The Sedition Act becomes United States law, making it a federal crime to write, publish, or utter false or malicious statements about the U.S. government. 1969 - The United States removes all large bills from circulation, much to the dismay of the legendary Salmon P. Chase (the face of the $10,000 bill) and his adoring fans. 1974 - It's Christmas, Folks, and Just Look at the Mess We've Made by John Lennon reached number one on the charts. 2000 - A powerful solar flare, later named the Bastille Day Event, causes a geomagnetic storm on Earth. French partisans attack sun by throwing sunblock and parasols at the sky. 2007 - A breakthrough study shows that those who read often are better at reading than those who seldom read.
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Writer and Noob of the Month Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome! So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore. Let us all clap for him because I said so. Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage! Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls. Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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