Uncyclopedia:Anniversaries/February

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[Insert clever alt text here]

February 1: [Insert Holiday Here]

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February 2: Upside Down Day

*synth arpeggios*

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If a groundhog sees its shadows, it's DTF

February 3: Fuck a Groundhog Day

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Imma fish bitch blub blub motherfucker.

February 4: Nobody Does Anything Interesting Day

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PM1.jpg

February 5: Peyton Manning Does Everything Day

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This is the laziest joke ever. Completely surface level. You people make me sick.

February 6: Nihilism Day

  •  


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I can see a worm there.

February 7: Shit! I Forgot My Lines... Day

  • 1599 - Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio, a man of uhh, shit. Line. Line, I need the—
  • 1600 - A man of Infinite Jest. Of most excellent fancy. Wait, asshole.
  • 1601 - Yeah, got it. Ahem. I knew him Horatio, a man of infinite jest. Of most fancy—Fuck—of most excellent fancy.
  • 1602 - If this happens on the night we'll just use the alternate.
  • 1603 - How about you go fuck yourself, I'm the artist around here, you just tell people where to move on stage.
  • 1604 - Whatever, Kenneth Branagh, you do whatever you fucking want.
  • 1605 - I don't need you, nobody needs you, I'll make my own fucking lines. I'm the fucking bard. Motherfucker.

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You can pick your Queen, you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your Queen's nose.

February 8: Royals Named Elizabeth Day

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He did *what* in 1990!?

February 9: International Tourette's Day

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Fig. 1

February 10: International Bad Pun Day

  • 1104 - Potato famine engulfs Ireland, panhandling leprechauns flood the cities because they're a little short.
  • 1390 - Bread is invented. Everybody proposes a toast to the inventor.
  • 1391 - Sliced Bread is invented. This is the greatest thing invented since, you know what I'm drawing a blank.
  • 1865 - A three legged dog walks into a saloon and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
  • 1980 - Various case studies indicate you can put things in them and carry them by their handles.
  • 1985 - Das Boot, a German film about gender neutral enclosed footwear, is released.
  • 2009 - Juan Pablo Montoya is shot dead, police believe the killer was a golfer, because he made a hole in Juan.
  • 2018 - French President Emmanuel Macron explains at a press conference that he doesn't like too many eggs for breakfast as one egg is un oeuf.

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While you were lifting weights I was cultivating inner strength.

February 11: Glorious Nippon Steel Day

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You'd think he'd get less vultures eating his liver if he weren't posing so fabulously.

February 12: Undeniably Heterosexual Graeco-Roman Cultural Appreciation Day

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He really does look like a frog.

February 13: Simple English Day

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Brokenheart.gif

February 14: Singles Drink Free Today Only

  • 269 AD - St. Valentine is castrated, horsewhipped and disemboweled, and a holiday is named after him because that's what happens when you fall in love anyway.
  • 1779 - James Cook is killed in Hawaii, not in the Sandwhich Islands like some believe, because even getting killed on Valentine's day can be a big disappointment.
  • 1876 - Alexander Graham Bell first patents the telephone, insuring that every heartless bastard can look at their phones ringing and ignore it like the selfish mess they are. Just answer me.
  • 2000 - The NEAR Shoemaker satellite enters orbit around an asteroid, but it's not the first thing adrift in space to ceaselessly spiral around a cold, dead, emotionally unavailable rock.
  • 2005 - Youtube is launched, yet another place for soul-crushing narcissists to share private, personal information to a whole audience of idiots who don't know the whole story, goddammit, you and your vlogs.
  • 2011 - As part of the Arab Spring, Bahrain protests government injustice or whatever since rioting feels a whole lot better than getting stood up on Valentine's Day, you ruined my life.

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Mmm crunchy.

February 15: It Just Got Out Of Hand Day

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*Ashokan farewell plays*

February 16: No Human Rights Day

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Why isn't Helium called Helion? Checkmate, atheists.

February 17: Noble Gases Appreciation Day

  • 1996 - Gary Kasparov loses a game of chess to a computer, like that's never happened to anyone before.
  • 2001 - HAL 9000 kills two dudes in outer space, oh shit I'm sorry I spoiled it for you.
  • 2006 - You finally forget about your miserable Valentine's Day, only to be tormented by this reminder.
  • 2008 - USA bombs some country after the military finds a few extra bombs hiding in an old pair of pants.
  • 2009 - John Prescott is discovered at the corner of downing street in a corset and fish-net tights attempting to whore himself out to passing single parents.
  • 2017 - Denmark is officially recognized as a mistake and erased from history.
  • 2018 - All world languages are revoked and replaced with American, a language consisting solely of words with one syllable or less

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Start with the Greeks they said...

February 18: Penis Day (Tonga)

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Alt + F4 deletes your browser history, try it.

February 19: Alt + F4 Day

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Pictured: Your taste in music/television/everything.

February 20: Hot Garbage Day

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Gone but not forgotten.

February 21: Put Off Learning a Foreign Language Day

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An exhibit of internet spam before the invention of adblockers

February 22: International Day of Spam

  • 1996 - Need money quick? Need money now? Get a Payday Loan today! It's not like you have a choice you poor piece of shit haha.
  • 1998 - Got bills you need to pay? Some student loans looming overhead? Donate some plasma to literal blood-sucking capitalists.
  • 1999 - There are hot singles in your area! I don't think you can do anything with that information just wanted to tell you.
  • 2001 - Retro fans! Buy a complete box set of every movie and television series released during the 1980s, only $25,999.99! comes in fourteen trucks.
  • 2005 - Buy the last 49,367 Blu-ray discs of Peter Jackson's opus King Kong, I don't know use it as tinsel it's starting to leak chemicals.
  • 2011 - Look like your best self, buy our signature collection of foundation and concealer, made from the ground up bones of the long extinct sea cow.

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Justice for Han

February 23: Vin Diesel Saying the Word "Family" Day

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It's no Monster House but it's okay.

February 24: "I don't care what day it is" Day

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To live is to suffer

February 25: Gangrene Appreciation Day

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“Damn it, how will I ever get out of this labyrinth?”

February 26: Famous Last Words Day

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Reeeeeeeeeee!

February 27: Making Banjo Noises With Your Mouth Day

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February 28: Bad 1337 Xpletive day (M41133714)

  • 0037 - Using "eleven" or any variant in exclamation breaks no longer in vogue.
  • 1337 - 4(!!!1!111!!!!eleven!!!!
  • 1373 - R0( 0'D0nn1!!!!1!!!11onehundredandeleven!!
  • 1733 - 58422u(!!1!!!!!1!onethousandonehundredandeleven!!!!!
  • 1961 - man invents viagra.
  • 2010 - those damn n00bs and IP fags give a birth of this cocksucking anniversary page!11!!eleven!1!1211
  • 3317 - U n0 1'm 4(1n9 71r3d 0f 7h15.
  • 3371 - J0(|<5 |)15(0\/3|2 |-|0\/\/ 2 |_|53 1337!!!11!onethousandthreehundredthirtyseven!!2!!
  • 3713 - |\|07|-|||\|6 |5 54(23|)
  • 3731 - J0(|<5 |=||\|411Y |2341|23 74|-|7 TEH "P" ||\| P\/\/|\| |5 5|13|\|7z0rz!!1!!111!!lol!!!1!OMGROFLMAOZEDONG!!
  • 7133 - In Soviet Russia, up fucks YOU!

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1996 - Ken Foree punishes Kenan for forgetting his birthday again

February 29: Ken Foree's Birthday (USA)

Now where did I leave that thing? anniversary. The day which kids hate to be born on as they only have birthday every four years. (USA)

March 2 (Canada) -- Canadians believe that we should lose a day instead of gaining an extra one.

  • 1948 - Ken Foree is born
  • 1948 - Canadians decide to mock Americans by reducing the number of days to 364. This leads to the American-Canadian War.
  • 1966 - Al Gore invents the letter "B"
  • 1978 - Ken Foree rises to superstardom in Dawn of the Dead at the age of 30 and then realizes he's only 7 years old.
  • 1996 - Ken Foree punishes Kenan for forgetting his birthday again.
  • 1999 - The Power Rangers got trapped in a large pizza and the trapped the pizza in themselves.
  • 2000 - Ken Foree's Birthday is declared a national holiday; the uproar caused by this forces Kenan and Kel into cancellation.
  • 2004 - George W. Bush postpones the next Febuary 29th until 2008, France goes on strike.
  • 2006 - President Kerry realizes a) that he did not win the election, and b) that today is actually March 1.
  • 2008 - George W. Bush postpones the next Febuary 29th until 2012.
  • 2008 - Uncyclopedia celebrates its first leap year. Awww, and I remember when it was just a little tyke in diapers...
  • 2009 - President Clinton travels to Canada and can't figure out what day it is... and to make it worse, it's NOT a leap year!!!
  • 2012 - 40-yr-old kid celebrates his 10th birthday.

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