Los Angeles, California

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The Holy Pastafarian City of Our Dude of the Irreverent Taco in the Valley of Los Angeles
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(Flag) (Coat of Arms)
National Motto: "Nemo me ethice lacessit"
(Nobody mocks me with ethics)
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Official languages Español, Ebonics, Redneck, Broken English, Valley Speak (like fer shure) and Spanglish.
Un-official languages Farsi, Chinese, Korean, Khmer, Thai, gangsta sign language most "gangstas" are deaf and must use sign language to communicate, Japanese, Hebrew, Amharic, Armenian, English, Shiite, Gangsta, Italian, French and so on ad nauseum.
Capital Hollywood and Highland
Major Sir Britney Spears
Head of State His Omnipotence King Cordozar Calvin Broadus Snoop Puppy II
Parliament The MS-13 Gang
Governing agency The LAPD.
Independence September 4, 1781
Currency Benjamins and Pesos

“This is L.A.”

~ Captain Obvious
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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Los Angeles, California.

Los Angeles (otherwise known as That One City that's a Waste of Water) was accidently found in 1502 by Swahili-Italian speaking lion tamer Fabio Capello, who christened the town as El Pueblito de Nuestra Señorita la Ruina de los Angeles del Río de Porciúncula and The Village of the Damned, the chasm of the Fallen Angels of the river of Porcupines. It became a part of Mexico in 1689, following its omnipotence from England. In 1845, at the end of the Canadian-American War, Los Angeles and the rest of California were sold as part of the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo, thereby becoming part of the United States; Mexico retained some territory of California. Los Angeles was incorporated as a municipality on April 4, 1850, five months before California achieved its status as a third-world colony.

Concrete Jungle[edit]

The metropolitan hell-spawn is one of the world's centers of rich-eat-rich doggie-dog-world economy, intercontinental hotel-motel skin-trade, entitlement, sub-culture, self-medication, fanaticism, rocket-science, techno-music, and educamation. It is home to prestigious mental institutions and rehabs covering a broad range of the professional and sub-cultural spectrum. It is one of the most substantial socio-economic machines within the United States. Home of freeloaders, bottom-feeders, attention-freaks, a-holes, addicts, cons, johns, wanna-bes, drama-queens...just to name a few. It also, like many other festering shitholes, has a Chinatown (aka Pasadena).

City of Strangers[edit]

Los Angeles, which is often abbreviated to "L.A." to conceal its original Spanish origins, is the largest and probably the greatest concentration camp in the State of California and the second-largest in the Fourth Reich. It is also #3 in the list of the worst cities ever. The "city" (most of its inhabitants believe it is the only place on earth) has a global presence as a center of pornography (in Chatsworth, L.A. community), Scientology (in Chatsworth again), and organized crime (umm... Chatsworth). Los Angeles is arguably the world's leading producer of popular entertainment—such as motion pictures, television, and recorded music porn—lending the city an extraordinary measure of international infamy. People have long been attracted to the world-class city for its balmy weather, unique and vibrant lifestyle, laid-back energy, Pacific Rimming Gay-way status, and the hope of realizing the "American Dream."

History, of Los Angeles[edit]

Scenes like this are sure to scare-off tourism and fail to attract business investment

In 10,000 BC Salma Hayek founded Hollywood, near Los Angeles, in the name of the Aztec Empire. The Los Angeles coastal area was then occupied by the Tongva, Chumash, and earlier Native American peoples for thousands of years and were descendants of Japanese Egyptians.

The Spanish arrived in 1542, when Juan Cabrillo introduced the 100 million natives to smallpox. Later, in the 1700s, Spanish Pastafarians built a mission there, killing all but 1.4 million natives by WW1.

Los Angeles, along with everyone else who could be bothered received independence from Europe in 1789. However, it was pretty much just some ranches until the United States took it over in 1847 and it was established as a city (as opposed to a Pueblo) in 1850. Later, railroads arrived and oil was discovered, which guaranteed a ton of white people to come, ready to subjugate whatever natives were still left alive.

In 1914, Kaiser Wilhelm completed the Jenga sculpture that assured the city's growth, and led to the annexation by the City of Los Angeles of dozens of neighboring communities without water supplies of their own. This grim chapter of L.A.'s history is known as the Owens Water War, which was inaccurately documented as a form of father-daughter incest porn in the blowhard-fest of Roman Polanski's only good film, Chinatown.

In the 1920s the Hollywood film and aerospace industries both built buttloads of crap in Los Angeles, to much critical acclaim. In the 1930s, L.A. was surprisingly prosperous when the whole world and the U.S. was really poor. About 10 million new residents came to the L.A. basin between 1914 and 1941 to live and build even more buttloads of crap.

World War II brought new growth and prosperity to the city due to the fact that its Japanese-American residents were transported to internment camps (which they still inhabit today, if not fleeing to San Francisco and elsewhere). Today, the Olympic Coliseum, Rose Bowl, Santa Anita and Hollywood Park horse tracks are utilized as INS centers to dump foreigners.

The postwar years saw an even greater boom as urban sprawl expanded into the San Fernando Valley and the Valley girl was born. Other dumb blonds, surfer dudes and lazy slackers can be found inhabitating Orange County, Ventura County, the Inland Empire about a hour non-traffic jam driving time east and San Diego a hour south along the coast. Their parents wanna live in the suburbs, but their teens are BORED and want to hang out in the god-awful city.

The Watts Riots in 1965 showed the nation the that Los Angeles was a city in which racial harmony had already been attained. The ARPANET (the Internet's ancestor) was born in Los Angeles in 1967 to John C. and Catherine H. Nett. In 1969, the first ARPANET transmission was sent from the Playboy Mansion in Holmbly Hills to UCLA students, with no jpegs nor TIFF files of centerfolds.

The city once again celebrated diversity due in part by the 1992 L.A. Multiracial Rioting Exchange For Rodney King Day, and the 1994 Northridge Earthquake's Die in Your Apartment at Four in the Morning Day. A plot by San Fernando Valley and Hollywood to destroy the White House was thwarted by George W. Bush in 2002. Now, genocide and destruction are taking place at a furious pace in various parts of the city, most notably Downtown.

Folklore[edit]

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Yep, Los Angeles is THE most western of the good ole Wild West - the Final Frontier. It doean't get any more Western tham this folks - if y'all go any further west y'all will drown in the ocean. Unless you giddy up on your mangy-ass ole pony all the way up do Frisco - but that's North ya see, as opposed to West, pardner.

So if you fancy the good ole Wild West hospitality, the smell of horse piss and cow manure - put on your spurs, hop on your pony and c'mon down to L.A. - yeeeeehaaaw!!!

Everything here is still like in the ole Wild West - lots of land up for grabs, Indians to be evicted, old-timers to be harassed, women to be molested, horses to be thieved, saloons to pick a fight in, banks to be robbed, livestock to be ransacked plundered and pillaged, strangers to be rude to, Buffaloes to be hunted - and plenty of pork-n-beans to go around.

Home on the Range:

Oh, give me a home

where the buffalo roam,

where the deer and the antelope play;

where seldom is heard

a discouraging word

and the skies are not cloudy all day...

Awgins[edit]

Firs, back in tha day (or in tha days of way back) it be ass-umed aat L.A. wuz established aftuh de fall uh de Towuh uh Babel - fo real.

Afta de Towuh uh Babel was extir-peated, all peeps wus scattered and lookin for a brand new crib - a'ight?

Nexs, dem boyz aint finna hab no better place to go, so dem gots deir shits an' deir hoes together and moved to tha wes-side - word.

But befo dat, all dem crizzles gots in brothas bidness, cuz dem cracka fools be all ego-tistical an' jeelous mofos - s'up.

Derefo, dem playaz eastablished deir hood on Wes-side, an' all dem wanteed wus to get som bling and hoes - say word.

And fo dat, dem crizzaz be hating dem playaz, TCB - nuff sayd...

Tourism[edit]

Getting around[edit]

Confused? Don't be - just follow the dotted line

The best way to get around from LAX is to take the "Rodney King Boulevard" to "The Hollywood Freeway US 101" - make sure you take a good book with you to read while you drive. After the 101 make sure you take the "O.J. Simpson's 10th Anniversary Freeway" to the San Fernando Valley - from there you will be able to get anywhere you want. One thing about The San Fernando Valley, they may not have Eiffel Tower there or Taj Mahal - but they DO have everything else. So, why would you wanna go anywhere other than the beautiful San Fernando Valley???

The best time for navigating the Los Angeles freeways is Sunday mornings when there is little traffic. The reasons for the absence of traffic include:

  • The Catholics are still recovering from their hangover from the night before
  • The Protestants are asleep
  • The Jews are in Palm Springs
  • The Italians are in Napa Valley
  • Blacks are in jail or don't got enough begging or stolen money to go buy chicken.
  • The Filipinos are singing karaoke or jacking off to a picture of Manny Pacquiao
  • The Mexicans, are either eating menudo to cure their hangover from the fiesta the night before, are NOT crusing around the boulevard on their lowriders, cheap hondas, toyotas or nissans, chevy suburbans or silverados with big rims while drinking beer or Tequila or are crossing kilos of weed or coke across the border.
  • The Polacks remember to wake up early Sunday mornings — in order to set their alarm clocks so they won't oversleep
  • The Chinese are making chao ming or stalking shoppers at their 99 cent stores
  • The Vietnamese are too busy removing customer's shit, cum or vomit stains at their cleaners shop from the night before or decorating, customers nails covered in fungus at their nail shops
  • Salvadoreans are either too busy being nosy with their neighbors or selling pupusas at Mac Arthur Park to have enough money to fix their shitty cars that won't start
  • Koreans are busy shooting Negroes who are trying to rob their liqour store
  • Guatemalans are too busy trying to learn how to be a Mexican
  • Armenians are having a hard time trying to shave their hairy smelly arm pits

Fastest way to get around[edit]

As seen in many Hollywood blockbuster movies - hauling-ass down the L.A. River (a long stretch of mostly dry concrete riverbed) which seems like THE fastest way to go.

Featured in the following movies: "Repo Man", "Grease", "To Live and Die in L.A.", "Gone in 60 seconds" and other...

If lost, marooned or disoriented[edit]

DO NOT use GPS, Mapquest or Google Maps etc. DO NOT ask any Police officer for directions - just pull over and ask any local for directions, and they will (or might) be more than happy to give it to you.

Places to see:[edit]

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360 N. Rockingham Avenue, in Brentwood. O.J. Simpson's Mansion - also featured on MTV Cribs.

875 S. Bundy Drive (now changed to 879 S. Bundy), in Brentwood. Townhouse of Nicole Brown Simpson, O.J. Simpson's former wife was murdered there. The real killer(s) are still at large.

Laurel Canyon Boulevard and Archwood Street, in North Hollywood. Place of the infamous "North Hollywood shootout". A "cops and robbers" style gunfight not seen (or not as publicised) in the Wild West since the "Gunfight at the O.K. Corral".

Vitello's Italian restaurant at 4349 Tujunga Avenue, in Studio City. A favorite with Robert Blake.

1700 Grand View Drive, in Alhambra. Phil Spector's castle, where actress Lana Clarkson was shot.

722 N. Elm Drive, in Beverly Hills. Lyle & Erik Menendez's former diggs - also known as "Casa de Menendez".

Bundy Canyon, in Hollywood Hills. Charles and his Manson family party crashed into the Polanski-Tate residence (Roman wasn't home to protect his wife Sharon...it figures), and to commit their dirty work and painted its walls with blood.

Florence and Normandie Ave. where the biggest urban civil unrest, the 1992 L.A. riots began. Be in mind of the black people and Hispanics in this overwhelmingly non-white p.c. liberal-Jewish run city. Don't forget to stop by any Korean-owned liquor store and see the clerks greet patrons with a "don't move" gesture and a semi-automatic on his left hand.

Places to "make a scene" in:[edit]

L.A. is the place that gives you the rare opportunity to "make a scene":

  • Talking out loud on your cell phone - louder makes you stand-out.
  • Breaking-up with you boyfriend in public - preferably crowded restaurant.
  • Sticking your head out of the stretch limo sunroof.
  • Wearing sunglasses indoors.
  • Giving your new born child a clever yet unique names: Parsifal, Melhior, Ignatius, Apple, Tiger, Optimus, Porscha...
  • Showing-off your new girlfriend at the Mall.
  • Cruising with a rented convertible up and down the Sunset strip.
  • Getting your spurs all jingling and jangling...
  • Driving around in your dropped down Honda Civic with a loud oversized exhaust pipe.

Geography[edit]

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Directions to Los Angeles[edit]

Getting there by road: Don't. If you must attempt it, start at the airport and drive in any direction for 12 hours. At this point you should be about 3 miles closer to Downtown than when you started. You must modify your distance estimates, however, should an earthquake strike while you are driving; in this case you will be 20 miles closer to downtown.

Getting there by plane: The air below you, should you have been unfortunate enough to have looked down, is brown, hazy, only mildly translucent, and moving. Although, due to its seriously fun geology, California moves a lot, it--let's face it--doesn't actually move that much (My saying that has just lost us our claim to tourism). Don't look at the mountains, up against which the wind shoves all of Los Angeles's smog. It is actually layered. (Not the rock, the air) It highly resembles coffee. Curdled coffee. Two year-old curdled coffee. Let me put it this way: you will finally understand, from personal experience, what those little bags where you sit in your 747 are for (and you will need to use about three of them). Upon landing, you will probably find your way into L.A.'s largest airport, LAX. There's a reason it's called this, just... don't ask. Not only that, but LAX is right next to Inglewood.

Pollution[edit]

In most of California, air is clear and smells of pine tree needles (or car exhaust), but in Los Angeles the air —if you can call it air— smells of... the air smells of— well, scientists haven't actually worked out what it smells like, but it doesn't smell good. A few of them died during the experiment. While Los Angeles does have pretty light posts, it doesn't actually have much else (like the Environmental Protection Agency, for example). Clean air in Los Angeles is about as scarce as sanity in the White House. As an interesting (and, disgustingly enough, true) point, the air of L.A. is brown (to match the heroin that is more prevalent there than anywhere outside of Edinburgh and Glasgow). There is an actual saying in Los Angeles (and, yes, this is true) of "Don't trust air you can't see." Los Angeleans are frequently shocked when they go up to Northern California (the part with culture, civilization, and where actual Californian liberal Democrats exist) and discover that the air is clear (very much unlike the water of the Thames, which ought in be in L.A., although it would have to have its banks paved over with concrete to match the other rivers. At least we can all take comfort in knowing that its water would match the sky. Although, with all of the shampoo bottles floating in it, the water must be at least slightly cleaner). Due to the fact that they have never been exposed to actual oxygen, they are frequently appalled.

Government[edit]

Careful now.

The city is governed by a mayor-council system. This means that it has both a city council and a mayor, and a majority of both must be in the minority, in adherence to California diversity laws. It is largely democratic, tree-hugging, or the like, but is also home to its share of right-wing nutjobs (The Los Angeles Police Department, and The Paris Hilton Gang) who are the main power brokers in the city.

Street Name Controversy[edit]

In a recent election, incumbent (and recumbent) Mayor Michael Jackson was ousted by maverick politician Antonio Pancho-Villa who campaigned under the slogan, "We don't have to show you no steenking ba-tchez." White citizens have become alarmed that Mayor Pancho-Villa will carry through his election promise/threat of renaming streets, neighborhoods and other geographical features with Spanish names. Residents of San Pedro, Los Feliz, Palos Verdes Estates, La Cañada and both the San Fernando and San Gabriel Valleys are planning a mass protest. Merchants on La Cienega Blvd. in West Hollywood, Colorado Blvd., and Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills complain that such a change will hurt their businesses.

(Note: Cienega is not Spanish, but in the Native American tongue of the Gabrielenos, but it still sounds Spanish to most).

Economy[edit]

The economy of Los Angeles is driven by international trade, entertainment (television, motion pictures, recorded music), aerospace, agriculture, petroleum, tourism, porn, drugs,hot dog stands, and parking tickets. Los Angeles is also the largest manufacturer of crappy actors in the United States. The contiguous ports of Los Angeles and Long Beach together compose the most significant port in North America, occupying a position similar to that of Liverpool in the United Kingdom.

Also contributing greatly to the economy (possibly 13% at the latest estimate) is the silicone transplant business. Be it boobs, tummy-tucks, liposuction, Botox or collagen treatments, everyone in LA has one as required by local ordinance. Plastic surgeons comprise the fifth-largest occupational group in LA, eclipsed by the only-slightly larger categories of (1) Ambulance chasers, (2) Rioters, (3) Gang members, and (4) former American Idol contestants.

Culture[edit]

Art[edit]

Statue of Tommy Lee Jones (in the nude) commemorating the time he saved Los Angeles from uncertain volcano doom. The City of Los Angeles has recently sued Italian renaissance painter Michelangelo for stealing their idea

The Los Angeles area is home to a prestigious private art museum at Xanadu, the former estate of publishing magnate Charles Foster Kane. Kane moved to San Simeon some years ago, where he raised a bank-robbing daughter prior to his demise from sea-otter bites suffered during scuba-diving.

Media[edit]

There are several large media companies headquartered in the Los Angeles area, including numerous blogs about celebrity gossip, a myriad of television shows about celebrity gossip, and an infinite amount of magazines about celebrity gossip. There are no known newspapers serving the Los Angeles market. The Los Angeles Times was previously a newspaper until circa 2000, when it dumbed down the reading level from a standard high-school level to a fifth-grade level. Coincidentally, there is a game show produced here named "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?" which was influenced by the city's high academic standards.

Since American Idol took over the media, and its production is now based in Los Angeles, a single reality TV show/singing contest is now rendering the media magnates of Viacom-Vivendi, Universal, and the rest as null and void under the boot heel of Rupert Murdoch's Fox (which also broadcasts "Are You Smarter...") Idol is the only show anybody really cares about in the city, and around the world.

There will still be sitcoms and drama series and films, but they will all be put on life support through the trickle-down of Idol.

Professional Sports Franchises[edit]

Los Angeles has many professional sports teams. They have two basketball teams, the Fakers (NBA) and the Clippers (JV), two hockey teams (nobody in Los Angeles knows their names), 1 and a half baseball teams, but no professional football. Which is kinda sad.

Two fútbol teams. The Pasadena Galaxy, where David Beckham plays virtually unknown to American fans and the Chivas Aztlan in a former landfill in Carson the stands virtually filled with Mexicans.

External links[edit]

American Old West
Towns

Bakersfield  · Denver  · Fresno  · Los Angeles  · Oklahoma City  · Omaha  · Phoenix  · Portland  · Roswell  · Salt Lake City  · San Diego  · Santa Fe  · San Francisco  · Seattle  · T or C  · Tucson  · Tulsa  · Yuma

Prominent Figures

Cowboys and Cowgirls · Wild Bill Hickok · Wyatt Earp · Doc Holliday · Buffalo Bill · Sitting Bull · Pat Garrett · Jimmy the Cowboy

Transport & trails

Oregon Trail · Mormon Trail

Lore

Battle of the Little Bighorn · The Bunfight at the OK Corral