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“This is an article about me, Captain Obvious.”
“Thank you, Captain Obvious.”
Captain Obvious is a superhero — one of the people who fight bad guys, supervillains, and assorted evil-doers. The prefix "Captain", however, is purely symbolic. Although the "Obvious" part of Captain Obvious's name is certainly true, Captain Obvious does not hold the rank of Captain in the Army, Navy, Air Force, Coast Guard, Marines, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration Commissioned Corps, the United States Public Health Service Commissioned Corps, the Salvation Army or any Police or Fire Department. Nor is he licensed to fly commercial or cargo aircraft or pilot fishing boats or cargo vessels, meaning that in a situation where he would have to pilot one of these vehicles and is asked by a duly authorized official to prove that he had the legal right to do so, he would not be able to.
Captain Obvious's symbol is a large "O". This is the circular image on his chest, identical to the letter used elsewhere; however, its use in such instances does not necessarily pertain to Captain Obvious. The "O" stands for "Obvious", rather than "Oklahoma", "Oregon", "Osama bin Laden", "Orange", "Ombudsman", "Obama", "Oblivious", "Ohio" or any of the other six words that begin with an "O". He sometimes carries a large shield with him, though this is primarily to stop his own team mates from beating the living daylights out of him. His main rival is the dastardly Professor Subtle, against whom he battles in many comic book and television episodes, but Professor Subtle never fails to reappear in subsequent episodes. This could be because Captain Obvious has failed to apprehend or destroy Professor Subtle in any way, or because, as Captain Obvious has pointed out on several occasions, "It's all retcon's fault!".
He first rose through the ranks of the Professor Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters to join the X-Men. His actual superpowers are known by very few. Some speculate that it has something to do with levitation, super intelligence, or raising the dead. Whatever it was, most people forget that he has any superpowers, and eventually the name 'Captain Obvious' caught on.
He was first brought into the X-Men for his intelligence and vocalness, which quickly drove the group mad. He managed to demonstrate a moderate degree of usefulness when he was able to annoy and distract an evil-doer (a time-traveling evil mutant clone of the Silver Surfer) with his obvious statements, which gave the X-Men time to infiltrate the villain's lair. However, he earned few points with them for this performance because the X-Men were only infiltrating to rescue Captain Obvious. He was later expelled from the X-Men due to his numerous bouts of obviousness. The final straw came when Magneto broke into the X-Men's headquarters after Captain Obvious hid the key under a doormat, making off with Professor X's CD collection and the team's X-box.
His expulsion may also have been related to the non-professional nature of his relationship with his sidekick, Readily Apparent Boy. Although group members did not disapprove of such relationships (the J.L.A. readily tolerated a clandestine relationship between a certain bat-themed hero and his sidekick), the indiscreet nature of the relationship - including flirting in public and spats in crowded restaurants - drew unwanted attention to the Justice League. "I mean, it really wouldn't have been a problem," said Superman in an interview, "If they didn't have to make it just so freakin'... ya know... obvious."
Though Captain Obvious vehemently denies this (over and over), some suggest that Captain Obvious and Mr. Obvious are the same person. Those people note that, whenever Captain Obvious leaps into action, it's always right after Mr. Obvious conspicuously leaves, loudly saying, "I'm leaving now, but not to do anything interesting! I'm certainly not switching to my superhero identity, which of course, I do not have, as most people do not!"
These conspiracy nuts, however, are always disproved instantly. The fact that Captain Obvious has stated on many occasions that he is probably not Mr. Obvious (nudge nudge wink wink), or that it would simply be way too obvious, are commonly accepted as proof.
Captain Obvious is also not to be confused with Captain Oblivious. That's his twin brother.
In popular culture
This inability of Captain Obvious to stick with any particular group has also hurt his cultural standing. An entire thirty minutes were cut from the first X-Men film to eliminate his role, due to the sheer 'predictability' of the character. He appeared once on The O'Reilly Factor in a historic appearance that lasted all of ten seconds when he blurted out that "Wait a minute, this show isn't fair and balanced at all."
His comic book line sold out its first three issues, but sales quickly plummeted due to what readers complained was 'predictable writing.' These days he fills in minor roles, usually uttering phrases such as "That asteroid is heading straight toward us!" or "If we don't defuse this hydrogen bomb, the whole city will be destroyed!" His 900 page autobiography was also panned. In the book, titled 'This is a book about me, Captain Obvious', he admits what was already believed by many to be his greatest weakness.
“I think my constant exclusion may have something to do with how I always say the obvious.”
His autobiography had the following chapters.
- The First Couple Pages.
- My Birth. How Two Opposite Gender Adults Make Me.
- My Body, and Its Many Features (Included specially detailed sections and diagrams on what his integral organs. do, such as: his heart, his arms, and his penis.)
- Growing Up. The Tough Obstacles I Endured Like Learning to Walk and Eat.
- Puberty, A Time of Change In My Life.
- That Time I Wrote an Autobiography, and the Kind of Stuff That Went Into It.
- Yes, I Am Probably Going to Die Someday...
- This is The Last Chapter.
Captain Obvious has also tried predicting the future. Here are a few examples of his predictions.
“People all over the world will have to purchase a new calendar within the next twelve months.”
“Within two to three years the price of stamps will increase by an amount.”
“Someone will die today.”
“Someone will be born today.”
“You will eat food within the next thirty days.”
“Tomorrow will be another day.”
“The future is coming.”
“Someone will breathe today.”
“Within two... no, three..., no wait, ay years, there will be a year that is divisible by two.”
“Indeed, current events may become past events, but always remember that there will, now and always, be future events in the future.”
“In two years time, it will be two years in the future.”
“I'm not a doctor, but if you don't have your heart put back in your chest, you may die soon.”
“At the sound of the tone, it will be the time it is supposed to be. As in not now, but the future”
“In one year it will be the present ”
“Next millennium, you'll be dead.”
“You can't touch MC Hammer.”
“Computers don't work after they break.”
“Justin Bieber sucks.”
Other famous statements
“Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do!”
“No matter how today turns out, there's always tomorrow.”
“Simply because you can't see something doesn't mean you can't hear or smell it.”
“Dead people are not alive, you funny hat Man.”
“If something gets hard that means it won't be easy anymore.”
“If you hate someone that can most likely indicate that you don't like them.”
“Someone has, at some time, had sex with someone else.”
“The best cure for hunger is food!”
“When you're thirsty nothing feels better then drinking liquid!”
“It's rude to fart when someones eating.”
“Oh Boy! I'm rollin Hard!”
“Well, I say! These boots are made for walking.”
“I already said that quote!”
“Turning a frown upside down makes a smiley face.”
Captain Obvious' UnNews Career
Recently due to Stan Lee's company being screwed over by Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton the Captain Obvious comic was canceled so Captain Obvious took up a career as News Anchor for the UnNews network:
- UnNews:AVG Antivirus detects Microsoft Windows as a Virus
- UnNews:The Real Economic Problem Revealed
- UnNews:Uncyclopedia to get $100 billion dollar bailout to get Domain Name Back
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