Uncyclopedia:Anniversaries/March

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You are likely to be eaten by a grue

March 1: International Grue Day

  • 1950 - Grues are first discovered living under couch cushions and inside tumble dryers.
  • 1964 - Grue farmers release a whole colony of Grues into the wild, to hunt them for their silky and fragrant hide.
  • 1972 - Louisiana Grue hunter and businessman Phil Robertson invents the Grue Call a whistle which imitates the dulcet mating call of the Grue.
  • 1974 - While protesting the selling of Grue hide, one hippie is accidentally eaten by a Grue. It was a one time thing, they only do that when they're hungry.
  • 1981 - The Grue population enters a rapid decline due to overhunting and a government campaign to vilify the grue.
  • 1999 - The Grue Relations through Understanding and Empathy (GRUE) organization is formed to combat harmful memes about Grues and their supposed danger to society.
  • 2001 - GRUE are all eaten by grues.

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Total cutie on the left

March 2: International Genderflip Cartoon Characters Day

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Who even plays melee anyway.

March 3: Beat Strangers to Death With a Lead Pipe Day

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Bo rhap.jpg

March 4: Galileo Galileo Galileo Figaro


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My AP World History teacher had a copy of this poster.

March 5: Jump to the Beat of the Party Line Day (Turkey)

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March 6: Roadkill Appreciation Day (North America & Australia)

Taps starts to play
  • 3500 BC - In the first recorded instance of roadkill, Egyptian Pharaoh Ramses IV hits a small cat with his chariot. Shameful.
  • 1869 - The first historical instance of so-called "cannibal roadkill" occurs when a horse-drawn buggy strikes a horse pulling a second buggy.
  • 1934 - Hitler runs over a small ferret in his Volkswagen, precipitating his later invasion of Poland.
  • 1962 - Julia Childs releases a groundbreaking roadkill culinary masterpiece titled Treadmarks and Tarragon.
  • 1969 - President Nixon continues the Road Kill bombing over Vietnam.
  • 1990 - Road Kill is officially the new Mystery Meat in school lunches.
  • 1995 - Steve Ballmer runs over my dog after yelling at the top of his lungs "I'm going to fucking bury that dog. I've done it before and I will do it again. I'm going to Fucking Kill that dog."

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I don't really want to do the work today.

March 7: Talk Like Caveman Day

  • 11,000 BC - Grog think very hard and make up number coming after two, called like "tree" but dumb: Grog pummeled with many rock for wasting everybody's time.
  • 9800 BC - All the mammoths are burned to death by Grog, his friends pelt him with poop since they have no food, but now there is no poop to eat either.
  • 2580 BC - Grog's best friend Enkidu seduced by city-slicker propaganda, play dress up as civilized instead of sucking on rocks and eating bugs like good old days.
  • 2500 BC - Grog sandboards down the slope of the Pyramids, is detained and put on cave arrest.
  • 1309 AD - Grog is happy and healthy in cave, while stupid civilized people die of Cholera and Plague, at least until Grog eat juicy rat.
  • 1995 - Unabomber say modern gizmos bad for soul of humanity, but Grog have smelly green leg and must punch antelope to death everyday for breakfast so what does he know.

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Total pederast though, no one's perfect.

March 8: Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde Appreciation Day

  • 1916 - Allied and Central Powers forces cease hostilites for the day during World War I in order to commemorate Wilde by exchanging copies of his works.
  • 1919 - Women marching on Washington seeking the right to vote cite Wilde's play A Woman of No Importance as an example of misogynistic views.
  • 1933 - US President Franklin D. Roosevelt delivers his first so-called "fireside chat", during which he reads excerpts from Wilde's play The Duchess of Padua.
  • 1963 - A statue of Wilde is erected in his birthplace: Dublin, Ireland. It is inscribed with passages from his most well-known work, The Happy Prince and Other Stories, and becomes a site of pilgrimage for struggling young homosexual playwrights around the world.
  • 1998 - Wilde's play The Importance of Being Earnest is turned into both the Disney film Ernest in the Army, an entry in the wildly successful "Ernest Goes" series, and Being John Malkovich, which addresses issues of self-awareness that are often seen in Wilde's works.

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Whitepeople.jpg

March 9: Shit We Forgot to Celebrate International Woman's Day (Canada)

  • 400 BC - Noted Greek scholar and intellectual Hypocrites denounces extravagant living from his posh ninety-acre woodland mansion.
  • 1862 - First American Civil War battle between two Ironclad ships ends in draw after the CSS Virginia argues the war was about "economics, not slavery" as if the two topics are separate.
  • 1982 - Time travel party is announced three weeks ago in Baltimore, scientists declare that time travelers don't like Maryland very much.
  • 1994 - Bill Gates announces the discovery of a method for men to hold handbags without looking "like gay and shit", men clamor for secret.
  • 1996 - Secret to holding a handbag like a man revealed to be: "Who cares what people think, you do you." Men decide to make bigger pants pockets instead.

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Honestly there's no point to anything.

March 10: Opposite Day

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Self harm is bad in any form.

March 11: Stop Hitting Yourself Day (Mexico)

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At least you know what you're getting into.

March 12: Indecent Exposure Day

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Thou shalt not eat bacon, unless I change my mind.

March 13: Saturday the 13th

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How irrational.

March 14: American π Day

  • 27 AD - Greeks fight valiantly against Russell Crowe in a vast gladiatorial event to define pi as the ratio of the circumference of a circle divided by its radius.
  • 435 AD - Pope Sixtus III denouces π, claiming it to be the work of Satan, as a number which never ends seems too cruel for a loving God to have made.
  • 1603 - "American" Apple pie actually invented by the Aztecs, used as aphrodisiac.
  • 1707 - The Physics Act of 1707 defines π to be 22/7, which scientists of the era proclaim as close enough.
  • 1891 - The pie chart is first invented, sadly, the original prototype has long since been eaten. Future pie charts are now inedible.
  • 2005 - The Kansas Board of Education restores pi to its traditional value of three and a bit, stating, "Certain features of the universe are best explained by an intelligent cause, not an undirected process such as mathematics."

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"I'm starving, wanna go to Little Caesars?"

March 15: Julius Caesar's Deathday

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Nani!?

March 16: International Toaster Day

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They're magically delicious!

March 17: Lucky Charms Appreciation Day

  • 461 AD - The patron saint of Ireland, Saint Patrick, uses the three-leaved shamrock to explain the concept of the trinity: he is later stoned to death for Modalism.

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Happiness is like a butterfly, you can't catch it so don't even bother trying.

March 18: World Happiness Day

  • 51,000 BC - World Happiness Day is declared with a series of rhythmic grunts when two homo erecti discover fire.
  • 1906 - Pope declares suicide a mortal sin, worse than butt sex, watching anime and murder.
  • 1953 - Senator Joseph McCarthy briefly bans Kitten Huffing, but later retracts said decree, claiming he "was high off [his] ass."
  • 1954 - Scientists fist discover the Moon, they later find out it wasn't really the Moon they discovered, but the Sun.
  • 1993 - The Sun tells scientists it and earth should "Just be friends," the sun promises to call every few weeks.
  • 2004 - The Sun tells Al Gore to fuck off with his global warming shit, and proceeds to call Gore a Jive Turkey.
  • 2008 - After numerous requests by the American public, God finally damns It, It is never found.
  • 2016 - A rerun of the smash hit TV show Full House is shown around the world, millions kill themselves, unable to stand the torture.

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Death by nut.

March 19: Peanut Allergy Awareness Day (U.S.)

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Would you prefer a picture of procrasturbation? Take a selfie nerd

March 20: Procrasturbation Day

  • 1602 - The Dutch East India company is founded, paving the way for the trade of such goods as sugar, spices, human slaves, and additional sugar.
  • 1815 - After escaping from his exile in Elba using cheese, cocked berets, and other French sterotypes, Napoleon Bonaparte begins his "Hundred Days" Rule.
  • 1833 - Honest Jim starts his career out by selling his grandfather's false teeth back to him at nine times their original value.
  • 1852 - Hariet Beecher Stowe's Uncle Tom's Cabin was published, setting racial equality back about seventy-five years.
  • 1883 - Eleven counties signed the Paris Convention for the Protection of Industrial Property, strictly outlawing the trade of ideas, dreams.
  • 1914 - The first international Figure Skating World Championships take place in Connecticut. The losers maintain their dignity.
  • 1984 - Dungeons & Dragons hits a new high note with the introduction of the Stock Broker playable character set, including Briefcase of Monotony and +2 Ballpoint Pen.

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Any excuse to use Alphonse Mucha art, it's culture people

March 21: Vernal Equinox... Probably

  • 5 AD - The first recorded instance of the question "What Would Jesus Do?" occurs when his mother asks what he wants for breakfast.
  • 1890 - Oscar Wilde pens his novel The Picture of Dorian Gray in the vicinity of one of his favorite sources of inspiration, a kitchen sink.
  • 1919 - The Treaty of Versailles is dictated to several secretaries, ending World War I. One of them is a German spy and covertly adds a clause mandating a sequel.
  • 1931 - The electric guitar is introduced, resulting in the genre of Rock 'n Roll being born and enjoying its peak during the Great Depression.
  • 1943 - In the last recorded mounted cavalry charge, soldiers on horseback from Austria-Hungary charge a battalion of Russian tanks and succeed in destroying 80% of them using only their broadswords and ceremonial poofy hats.
  • 1993 - The first video is uploaded on the internet: a skin flute performance.

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March 22: Water Day

  • 3400 BC - Citizens of Atlantis become so enamored with water that they decide to sink their island into the sea, which is principally composed of water.
  • 1745 - Water day is officially recognized by fish for the first time; when asked why fish officials reply, "for the halibut."
  • 1894 - Using "frozen water", the first playoff game for the Stanley Cup starts.
  • 1941 - The state of Washington enslaves water to generate electricity using the Grand Coulee Dam.
  • 1997 - Tara Lipinski, age 14 years and 10 months, becomes the youngest champion of the women's world frozen water walking competition.
  • 1999 - Oprah drinks water on her show. Water sales triple among women.
  • 2005 - Water invades New Orleans, Congress declares war on water.
  • 2008 - Four year old Amanda Dinkleschmidt celebrates water day by giving her goldfish some water.

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This is a dolphin not a fish, I demand a refund

March 23: Take Your Fish To Work Day

  • 139 AD - Roman historian Erraticus publishes the fourth version of Life of Trajan, this one portaying Trajan as an emperor and retracting the previous version's claims that Trajan was a talking donkey.
  • 1097 - St. Peter's Basilica was first used outside of the Vatican city during the first Crusades.
  • 1952 - Beloved British children's author Enid Blyton publishes her most famous work, The Three Golliwogs. Please don't google it.
  • 1956 - Pakistan declares itself to be an Islamic Republic, which is like the Old Republic except without the Jedi.
  • 1962 - Dozens of women march on Washington D.C. to politely request feminine rights, their husbands sit at home without their supper.
  • 1974 - The last dirty liberal is sent to serve in the Vietnam War, rendering America a perfect utopia of conservatives for nearly eighteen months.

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Ah shit where'd I put that screwdriver?

March 24: International Do-It-Yourself Day

  • 1857 - Oscar Wilde pens his story The Soul of Man under Socialism while under something else.
  • 1943 - Jackson Pollock unveils his long-awaited third exhibition, featuring the classic Angsty Orange Tiger.
  • 1964 - The ping pong incident occurs at my high school, and will torment me for over forty years until my son avenges me.
  • 1991 - The first child is admitted to the hospital for Phonics addiction in the beginning of a nation-wide pandemic, resulting in thousands of kids becoming 'hooked'.
  • 1994 - Kitty porn makes its first appearance on the primitive internet.
  • 2007 - The first human trials of Neuroipods suffer drawbacks when a vast majority of test subjects contract iEllepsy.
  • 2010 - Sarah Palin kicks off the first annual Alaskan Sasquatch Appreciation Day.

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For every moose you save, another moose is slaughtered and its meat given to a starving Norwegian family

March 25: International Moose Preservation Day

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March 26: Fast Food Day (America); Health Awareness Day (everywhere else)

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March 27: Global Pot day

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March 28: International Turkey appreciation day.

  • 330 - Once Istanbul was Constantinople.
  • 1056 - In escalating crisis, Islamics behead 500 Christians.
  • 1057 - Not to be outdone, Christians behead 501 Muslims.
  • 1630 - (aside: Old New York was at this point New Amsterdam...why they changed it, I can't say--people just liked it better that way.)
  • 1923 - Modern day country of Turkey formed, people wonder a majority Muslim country is named after a fat bird you eat for a Christian holiday.
  • 1930 - Now it's Istanbul, not Constantinople.
  • 1939 - Hitler freaks out, and the German people just liked it better that way.
  • 1990 - Been a long time gone, Constantinople, now it's Turkish delight on a moonlit night.
  • 2006 - Every gal in Constantinople lives in Istanbul, not Constantinople, so if you've a date in Constantinople she'll be waiting in Istanbul.


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Description

March 29: Get Down And Boogie Day in Orthodox Funk.

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Boobs.gif

March 30: National Cleavage Day (UK)

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March 31: Condom Appreciation Day

Modernwoodencondom.jpg
  • 4000 BC - Babylonians create the first wooden condoms (Pictured), resulting in much fewer unexpected pregnancies and many, many, many more splinter-related injuries.
  • 1865 - The modern condom is introduced, consisting of sheep stomach lining coated with sulfuric acid. It is quixotically not well received.
  • 1939 - With the invention of latex, the modern modern condom is introduced, single handedly ending the Great Depression.
  • 1961 - Condoms are mentioned on television for the first time, in an episode of The Flintstones entitled Put It Back In.
  • 1970 - National No-Condom decade kicks off at Studio 69 in New York City.
  • 2009 - The Pope claims that condoms would increase the number of people with AIDS in sub-Saharan Africa, in a similar manner to how exercise is unhealthy and cheeseburgers eat people.

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