|Motto El que no salta es un inglés!!!|
|Capital||London (woops.. they're gonna lose. Again.).|
|Vice President||Loved Boudou "the money printer"|
|Official Language||¡Vasha! Dey a-speeka some Italian-a variation of Spanish, che! (Example: "¿Quién es esha y qué es lo que hecha en su sherba?" "¡Me shamo Monica Guardahado, y eshtoy fumando mi sherba con mi pipa. Eshta sherba esh la mejor sherba porque eshta esha de shielo de Alashka. La fumo con mi jamiga ToeNail Pajaro DeAdeveras!") 'sigh' Well, at least is not so horrible as the Iberic accent.|
|National Sport||Fútbol güachínnnnn!|
|Independence||Is it independent?|
|Unofficial languages||Cordooo-bés!, Paraguayan Creole, any language from Bolivia (Southern boludian), High Northern Porteño, cabeza(Shan-y-shi-drian), Rosarigasino (nopo sapabepes hapablapar roposaparipigapasipinopo?)|
|Population?||40 billion Un-American punks.|
|GDP Per Capita||200 Mangos ("dociento' mango'")|
|Ethnic Composition||Soccer fans 100%|
|Literacy Rate||5 Nobel Prizes and 7 million high-school flunks, as said by the INDEC
|Special abilities||political machine and Default IMF|
“Waah wahh! Dear UN, Britain's about to beat us up again”
Argentina (Spanish: Wannabe Italian) is a federally representative anarchy, as mandated by its Constitution, written in 1853 and customarily amended every prime-numbered year since then. The capital is Buenos Aires, not Miami.
Driving is usually on the right side of the road, except during rush hours, Friday, Saturday and Sundays, when it is on the left. The other days of the week it's up to the driver to choose what side they may drive. Pedestrians are advised to keep off the sidewalk.
The highest mountain peaks in the Americas are located in Argentina, and it is well known for the Tango, which was actually stolen by Argentines from a Paraguayan girl, the Mambo-Tango (invented by Ernesto "Che" Guevara de la Serna Lynch in a leprosy colony in the Peruvian Amazon), its fabulous wines, and high-quality giant condoms for use by city monuments.
The largest city in Argentina is Punta Tombo, where more than 15 million penguins live. The colony is the alleged birthplace of current presidentA's husband Néstor Kirchner. The National Anthem of Argentina is "!Vamo' Vamo' Argentina", and the National slogan is "Salve Victoria!" indicates Argentinan pride.
Largest Village and Capital
Buenos Aires (translated to "Pure Airs") is a large collection of red, moist, bad tempered people known for their odd, seemingly disjointed characteristics, caused by mixed ethnicity and genetic mutations. They speak a form of Spanish that sounds like Italian, look like Europeans, think like Cubans and behave like Barbarians of the Jungle.
The "Hand of God" goal remains legitimate according to God himself. Although Margaret Thatcher attempted to bomb Argentina for this action, the French president Francois Miterrand convinced her otherwise in exchange for 300 cases of Burgundy Wine for herself and her lover Augusto Pinochet. Penguins everywhere were outraged as they got nothing from the deal.
Some people say that many of Argentina's inhabitants killed themselves when someone produced proof that Pele was better than Marradona. They saw no more meaning in life and decided to commit mass suicide. Marradona is of course, but the Argentine government has succeeded in covering up this fact as it believes civil war might ensue.
The Argentinian Military Forces are known to be amongst the worst in the entire world. Made up of roughly 57,00 Severely Retarded, 380,938 bisexual men, and almost 120,882 "Nug-nugs" (Person without Arms or Legs). The current issue weapon is the Primitive, yet highly inaccurate rock. Accurate up to a range of 10 metres. The entire Navy and Air Force is made up completely of people with Down-syndrome. Argentina, along with France (Lé Republic á Fúckíng Shíté) has the highest number of military losses, and is matched with China and North Korea in the greatest number of retarded decisions.
Argentina's easternmost and most representative province is Uruguay, which has the best beaches in the region, along with bitter creatures known as "yoruguas" who inhabit most of the region. "Yoruguas" drink large amounts of "mate", a hallucinogenic infusion related to LSD. The country is divided into 23 provinces, each with its own currency and form of government ranging from Vandal Feudalism to Peronism (which, by the way, are synonyms). (Obs: There's a permanent Brazilian pirate invasion & merge threat. Brazilians want to dominate all Latin America, Africa, Portugal, Spain, Italy, , Florida & Miami. Not France because "Brazucas" hate France, like Jim Carrey.)
Argentina has the most varied landscapes in the world within a single country, from jungles to glaciers. It hosts magnificent features like: The Northern Chernobylian Wasteland (aka Chaco), the Huge Human-eating Ozone Hole in the south, and the Flattest, most mindnumbing Grassland on Earth, the deathtrap of many a highway driver who snooze off while crossing it (about 60% of the country's total surface).
For everyone who invested two, three, or five years learning Spanish, or for those who took the time on a crash course or just spent hard earned income buying phrasebooks, congratulations. All your efforts and money will be completely useless in Argentina. But there is hope for you. It's not hard at all to learn the Argentine Language, in fact it only takes a few minutes as the following short read will demonstrate. Take the following Spanish language sentence:
Flaco, ¿quién te juna? ¿Vienes aquí a coger mujeres en la calle y bailar tango con ellas? (This translates to: "Hey, who are you? Are you coming here to pick up women in the street and dance tango with them?")
But saying it like this will render you an ignorant tourist at best, or an inferior sub-human from a neighboring country next to best. With these simple ten, 12 steps below you will be able to make yourself understood in the Argie tongue:
- Replace "oye" with a 1000% Argentine word, che. No one knows where this word came from, but many say it is derived from Brazilian homosexuals, ironic since today virtually none of them are around. Wonder what happened to them?
OyeChe, ¿quién eres tú? ¿Vienes aquí a coger mujeres en la calle y bailar tango con ellas?
- "Che", following Argentine etiquette, is ALWAYS followed by the word "boludo", s term to express respect and friendship. Its closest translation in English language is believed to be "asshole".
OyeChe boludo, ¿quién eres tú? ¿Vienes aquí a coger mujeres en la calle y bailar tango con ellas?
- Quién is spelled the correct educated computer age way in Argentina, "kien". This doesn't matter in a verbal exchange, but what the hell.
OyeChe boludo, ¿ quiénkien eres tú? ¿Vienes aquí a coger mujeres en la calle y bailar tango con ellas?
- Replace "eres tu" with sos vos. Unfortunately, all those verbs in Spanish which had you eating the corners of your textbook are officially worthless. Argentines use an entirely different 2nd person singular pronoun (vos instead of tu), and that means all verb endings change too, so the conjugation of the verb 'to be' is not eres, but sos. Enjoy learning all 25,000 verb endings all over again!
OyeChe boludo, ¿ quiénkien eres túsos vos? Vienes aquí a coger mujeres en la calle y bailar tango con ellas?
- "Vienes" must be replaced with venís. Again poor you, using the subject pronoun vos, has the effect of completely changing the spelling of verbs.
OyeChe boludo, ¿ quiénkien eres túsos vos? ¿Vienes¿Venís aquí a coger mujeres en la calle y bailar tango con ellas?
- Take out "aquí" and use acá. Aquí is absolutely forbidden from use, as in Argentina this word sounds too much like Spanish, a language spoken in Bolivia, Mexico, Colombia.
OyeChe boludo, ¿ quiénkien eres túsos vos? ¿Vienes¿Venís aquíacá a coger mujeres en la calle y bailar tango con ellas?
- Here your options are a bit more open for you. You could replace "coger mujeres" ("to pick up women" in Spain and Latin America), with recoger mujeres, which is the correct way of saying "to pick up women" in Argentina. Another choice should be "buscar" mujeres (to look for women), which would fully disclose the appreciation of the chances a stranger has on getting chicks unless he handles the local language. On the other hand, you could leave "coger mujeres" alone, if your intention is to F-CK the chicks right there on the spot, which was probably what you were thinking anyways. But if you want a bit more privacy, we do advice to replace "coger" with "buscar".
OyeChe boludo, ¿ quiénkien eres túsos vos? ¿Vienes¿Venís aquíacá a cogerbuscar mujeres en la calle y bailar tango con ellas?
(ps ALWAYS replace "coger" with "tomar" or "agarrar" when saying you want to "take" a bus. In Spanish-speaking nations coger el bus is the correct form of saying "taking the bus". In Argentina saying this will probably lead to a response like "sure, go ahead, I guess you can do so through the muffler".)
- "Mujeres" is a far too formal expression not a single Argentine would deign to pronounce. A more appropriate word would be "minas" (chicks), a slang word which also has the benefit of properly expressing the high regard in which Argentines hold the fairer sex.
OyeChe boludo, ¿ quiénkien eres túsos vos? ¿Vienes¿Venís aquíacá a cogerbuscar mujeresminas en la calle y bailar tango con ellas?
- In Argentino, all nouns have their syllables switched so that "tango" became "gotan". So always reverse the syllables of all nouns, it's simple and you won't go wrong in your quest to fit in!! (It isn't REALLY necessary, but if you do it, you are almost Argentinian!!!! KANGRETULAYSHUNS!!)
OyeChe boludo, ¿ quiénkien eres túsos vos? ¿Vienes¿ Venís aquíacá a cogerbuscar mujeresminas en la calle y bailar tangogotán con ellas?
- If you are in Buenos Aires, Uruguay and some other areas, further rules have to be applied. To be precise, within the borders of the described regions one should consider all territories below the Tropic of Capricorn, when Saturn fulfils its duty in the fifth house of Uranus, and Mars is in conjunction with Titanus. And, of course, during the full moon. In Mainland Argentino you have to pronounce the "ll"s correctly, so switch "calle" for "ca-sshe", and "ellas" for e-sshas.
OyeChe boludo, ¿ quiénkien eres túsos vos? ¿Vienes¿ Venís aquíacá a cogerbuscar mujeresminas en la calleca-sshe y bailar tangogotán con ellas?con e-sshas.
- You can leave "en la calle" ("in the street") alone, as this is how every local and tourist ends up when their girlfriend or wife finds out they were whispering this sentence on salubrious street corners. And listo! You are speaking Argentino.
Spanish: Oye, ¿quién eres tú? ¿Vienes aquí a coger mujeres en la calle y bailar tango con ellas?
Argentino: Che boludo, ¿kien sos vos? ¿Venís acá a buscar minas en la ca-sshe y bailar gotán con e-sshas?.
See, no difference at all!
Politicians include the motherf-cker Carlos Menem, best remembered for his love of cosmetic surgery and embezzlement, the Chupacabra, Kirchner's sister, Kirchner's husband, Eduardo "Narco" Duhalde, and former president (for one week), the professional clown Adolfo Rodríguez Saá.
The Argentines want a wall on the northern border, as half of the populations of Bolivia and Paraguay have jumped the fence southbound. But recent engineering studies showed such a project would attract the other half of the populations of both countries, due to the well-known lack of construction workers, so the plan has been scrapped. Besides, if the "genie in the bottle" granted the wish for a 10 foot wall around Argentina, the genie would have to grant the Brazilians their wish too... and fill it up with water.
Around half of the flags in Latin America are obvious cloned copies of the Argentine emblem, probably just for sheer admiration of the place. Argentina is implementing a new covert operation to conquer it's neighbors: marry their plastic and prideless women away to foreigners (can be found on Chilean TV), genetically brainwashing the natives of the following generations, and finally rolling in the 3 Argentine tanks into their capital city.
Unfortunately, the Argentine government authorities are not very patient people, so this plan was dropped three days after implementation. The average Argentine policy measure usually lasts half that, however, and in fact just under 103% of Argentines confirmed not knowing there were other countries in South, Central or North America, because they don't have penguins.
The Argentine government asks all visitors to not cry for Argentina, and to prevent a further drop in population, the government has declared that the International Monetary Fund is killing purebreed blue-eyed kittens and didn't help prevent "Glitter" from being distributed in Argentina. As of 2006, Argentina was in negotiations with North Korea, Iran and Iraq (separate tabs), and Swaziland to fully repay 1,3 billion googooplex 1986 australes in unpaid loans to these economic powerhouses.
Argentines are mad about sports. The "A.O.V.B.C." (Argentine Ode to Violence Behavioral Code), states that:
- Code 1. If your team is winning the match, you should begin to physically assault your opponent's fans (or tear down their stadium if you are the visiting crowd, whichever you prefer).
- Code 2. If the game is tied you should try and knock the referee's head off either with glass beer bottles, or any nearby available plumbing pipe.
- Code 3. If you are losing, at that point start fighting the "Barra Bravas" (hooligans) of your own team, rape your best friend's girlfriend, and then torch your own home.
- Code 4. If any person from a first world country insults argentine people and call them poor , Argentines will inmediatly say "gana un mundial.." ("go and win a world cup) it does not matter to argentines that first world countries are rich and are not full of undernourished kidss like Argentina, to argentines having won 2 world cups is enough.
Currently the most popular sport in the country is Highway Blocking by piqueteros and other poor undernourished pedestrians. The "make the rainbow of gypsies driving a car so miserable and mad that he will run you over if you don't get off the street" World Cup is to be played in Argentina's city of Gualeguaychu sometime next summer. Blocking people from entering airports, ports, downtown areas, shopping malls, and other countries are gaining in popularity also.
Lesser in importance but popular nonetheless is 'Mufa', a sport in which participants find ways to complain about the most amount of things in the least amount of time, auto-racing in school zones at dismissal time, and soccer a.k.a 'la pelota'. Argentina wins the World Championship of an international sport about once a year, and does so legitimately and fairly every other decade or so:
- Twice World Cup champions in football, thanks to a bribe of Peru the first time (that country was starving because of a lack of anchovies, according to Paul Theroux), and because of Divine Intervention on the other (according to Maradona who said the force unwillingly raised his fist to strike the ball against poor ol' England) (argentines think that this makes their country better and more prosperous...damn Argies).
- The national sport of Argentina is ¡¡Fútbooool!!. The ¡¡Gooooal!! of ¡¡Fútbooool!! is to pass the ball through the other team's ¡¡Gooooal!!, or to ¡¡Riiiiot!!, whichever comes first.
- Twice World Champions in men's basketball
- Argentina is the country with the most amount of "highly ranked tennis players that have yet to win anything whatsoever.
- Los Pumas are the national rugby team
- And now for a true man's sport: polo. this sport is restricted to the minority of rich and really white skinned Argentine people.
The Argentine economy currently is:
- Highly Unstable - Many Argentinians choose to spend their hard earned Mangoes on pointless, yet Homosexual objects of no use whatsoever. Most Notably in the year 2009, a record of 273,084 Pots containing concentrated Vaginal Discharge were purchased and consumed for "Scientific Purposes".
- Or an American (not allowed to live here).
- Partly Cloudy.
- 36C (and overheating fast).
- Gusts from the southwest at 76km/ph in accordance to Decree 1 by President Kirchner himself, who was fed up that only Patagonians had to endure bad hair days.
- The forecast for the next two yeas is bleak
- Inflation is 9% according to INDEC. It is 25% according to a bar I went last night, 27% in supermarkets, and 250% for first-time-in-here-Brazilians.
Argentina has an insignificant GNP, but the inhabitants are rich because they are specialized on borrowing money and than defaulting IMF. Check back tomorrow as a new economic model is put in place to completely replace this one, and create new, unimagined ways, of defaulting again.
Argentina is the most funny case study for economists. Specially for Brazilian economists.
It is likely to win 2014 FIFA World Cup, beating Brazil and achieving 3 stars, and also the 2014 IMF Default World Cup, probably beating its historical major rival, Greece; Argentina is struggling to improve a little bit and beat Zimbabwe in 2015 Hyperinflation World Cup. After refusing, in 2010, for the 120th time, to import refrigerators and stoves from Brazil, Argentina also won the Protectionist Challenge of the Year, promoted by the WTO, together with the rocognition achieved by Kirchner in the Cuba Finance Ministry's Isolated Medal.
Argentina bonds are currently being held by the same stupid guys who held subprime mortgages from USA in the 2007 crisis.