|Official languages||English, Russian, Have-nuke-istanian, Arabic|
|Motto:||"это смешно и ваша мать имеет герпес, сука."
Transliteration: Durbek nasim chachacha cu naw, bich. (Translation: Strength is in our fists and in our pants, bitch.)
|Government:||Constitutional democracy, blatant ignorance and spite|
|Military:||Ah, yes. Boom, boom.|
|Head of State:||Secretly Ariel Sharon|
|Exports:||Sand, plutonium, Have-nuke-istanians|
|Imports:||Jelly donuts, toilets, unwanted old people|
|National anthem:||"ее пальцы ноги столь обращаются"
(Nepluk sophie shanananana Have-nuke-istan) "There is No Foreplay in Have-nuke-istan"
|Official cuisine:||Whatever you can catch|
Have-nuke-istan, officially The People's Democratic Republic of Have-nuke-istan (Have-nuke-istanian: Unir-ahxr-vfgna), is a small, dirty country where the men are bald, the women are bearded, and the children are below average. Current intelligence suggests that Have-nuke-istan is not located in the United States of America, which means that the country is simultaneously below contempt and extremely dangerous/evil. Despite its name, there is no indication that Have-nuke-istan possesses any nuclear weapons; in fact, "Have-nuke-istan" is Have-nuke-istanian for "Up yours, Russia."
In 1224, Have-nuke-istan was overrun single-handedly by Genghis Khan, who was armed with only a single goat and his wicked sense of unhumor at the time. After whacking all ten citizens of the country squarely in the face with the goat, Khan became the undisputed Maharajah of Have-nuke-istan and ruled the land with only a single remaining prosthetic Iron Ball for almost 50 years. He was eventually overthrown by accident by his personal chef, who made the mistake of feeding him a Have-nuke-istanian delicacy: roasted diseased pigeon. Havislav the Janitor thus became the first official monarch of the tiny, impoverished country. He was the first in a long line of native rulers. In the 19th Century, the Russian Empire easily conquered Have-nuke-istan, and put all its people to work making baskets out of sand. The baskets were worthless, but the Russians liked a good laugh. It was during this period that the name of the nation was changed from Chongistan to Have-nuke-istan as a private dig at the Russian ruling class. After the dissolution of the USSR in the late 20th century, Have-nuke-istan gladly regained its independence. The people celebrated by burning all the baskets in the country, drinking mead, stuffing used toilet paper into their mouths, and kicking old people long into the night.
After regaining independence, the monarchy was reinstated, but, since no one wanted to be king, Have-nuke-istan fell into a dark time of constitutional democracy instead.
Homosexuals, bisexuals, women, poor people, people who wear green sweaters, people who drink milk, and college graduates have no rights in Have-nuke-istan. This is a source of constant amusement for its bordering countries. Capital punishment is common in Have-nuke-istan for offences ranging from wearing a green sweater to not drinking enough mead to beating your wife on a Friday (wife-beating day is Thursday). The most common form of capital punishment is for the offender to be force-fed a roasted, diseased pigeon.
From its dusty lowlands to its brownish hilltops, its stunted trees to its complete lack of indigenous wildlife, Have-nuke-istan is a barren and sad land. It is approximately the size of Cape Cod. The highest point in Have-nuke-istan is Mukatunga Toga, from which you can see absolutely nothing.
Have-nuke-istan's GNP is negligible. Most outlying parts of the country still use an ancient barter system, known as robbery. This involves trading goods for the right to continue being alive and unbruised. The country's principal export is sand, followed by weapons grade ManBearPig-onium, which is mined by a secret process known only to the Have-nuke-istanians called Fast-goat breeder reactors. However it is known that this process involves the use of the descendants of that famous Goat, which was used by Genghis Khan to conquer the country and local gay men. Rumor has it that the original goat offspring were sired by Genghis himself.
Have-nuke-istan has a rich culture of poverty and helplessness. Ancient customs such as the Face-Slapping Dance and the Recitation of Epic Poems about the Janitorial Arts are still widely practiced amongst its citizenry. The nation's best known author, Tanak Mashov, is famous for his "God Help Me, I'm Starving to Death" trilogy. The trilogy is unfinished, because Mashov starved to death while writing it. In fact, the trilogy consists of only one volume, but everyone knows that the author would have written two more books if he had lived long enough to do so. Film in Have-nuke-istan consists solely of pornography, which is illegal. Anyone caught producing, acting in, or watching a movie in Have-nuke-istan is immediately castrated, which effectively eliminates the possibility of repeat offense. For this reason, about half the nation's population has had all or part of their genitals lopped off, usually with a blunt axe. A major trade has sprung up recently in the country that deals in replacement parts, which are usually just carrots (for men) and jelly donuts (imported from France for women). These prosthetic genitals are secured with Scotch tape and exhibited proudly on national holidays.
There are minority groups of Muslims, Christians, and Luddites, but they are politely mutilated whenever possible. The national sport of Have-nuke-istan is kicking old people. To play, two teams of eight people are required, as well as an old person who wants to die. There are two rounds to the game, meaning that each team has one chance to kick the old person to death. The rounds are timed. If the old person voids their bowels, begs for mercy, or dies with a long, drawn-out death rattle, bonus points are awarded. Steel-toed boots are strictly disallowed, but everyone wears them anyway. The sport is largely encouraged by the government.
Most of Have-nuke-istan's meager national budget is put into military contracts. It is unclear why, as none of its neighboring countries wishes to invade it. However, it remains that there is an expansive military science complex in the nation's capitol. Rumor has it that the scientists therein ARE working on developing nuclear weapons, so the Have-nuke-istanian army will no longer have to throw chunks of plutonium at its enemies by hand. Reducing instances of cancer and death during peacetime is a top priority.