Latin
“Vidi, ueni, ueni iterum.”
“hey girl can I look at your Corpus Luteum”
“Cæcilius Iudæorum concupiscibat et mulcebat”
Latin est languagum that helpit uuith uocabulary expantio. Id was the languagum of the Ancient Romans. Id has been prouen that by studying Latin, not only do you get higher college board scoræ, you also get all sexy girls you uuant, hence phrasum Latin Louer. That est uuhy there est Latin explotio in music scene. You can getus super pouuerus from Latin suchus as Magic! Latin est uuhat Harrius Potterus uses ad castus spellæ. Likeus: "Hocus! Pocus! Abracadabra! Tibi manducare mea stercus!"
Latin est for rich pricks uuho go to priuate schools like Etona, Charterdomus and RGS Guildfordus, and est taught by pædos, i.e. monks. Latin has no modern use unless you intend on meeting Iesus, but he erat French, and plays rugby for France. He est knouun as Sebastion Chabal.
Latin has been around for æons. Id comes from Greek uuords La, meaning "Pain" and Tin meaning "(In the) Ass". Latin est good only for speaking to dead people or the Papa. Papa est made of plastic and euil spirits and est one of feuu euil spirits to speak it nouu. You can try but if you aren't dead, you uuon't get accent quite right. Id est so infrequently spoken that euen Latinos can no longer speak id. Id est useful uuhen ordering a Cæsar salad, hauing a Cæsarean sectio, although Cæsar spoke Græco more than Latin in hest omni-uita. Id can also be used to talk to pigs, although pigs haue a special dialect for id.
Later Latin became diuided in 5 languages (and some small dialects that only nerds care): Muchacho Latin of the Miduuest, Mafia Latin of the Capital and South, Surrender Latin of the North, Sailor Latin of the VVest and Vampire Latin of the East.
Motiuation[edit | edit source]
An honors program student uuas asked about hest motiuatæ for learning Latin and uuith replied follouuing:
“"KNOVVING LATIN EST SIGN OF INTELLIGENTIA. IF YOV SAY THINGS Lorem ipsum dolores est mexicanum THEY THINK 'oh you so smart'. THEN THEY GIVE YOV IOB. VVHAT HELL THEST MEANS, DVNNO. BVT MAN, THEY GIVE YOV IOB."”
True Origins[edit | edit source]
Forget euerythingæ else you learned on thest page (besides fact that bitches LOVE Latin, Truer uuords haue Ne'er been spoken)
Latin uuas inuented in Cleueland Basement in the 1960's, by six drunk guys. There est no documentary proof of thest, but id est knouun by anyone uuho has euer studied Latin. Id took me 3 long years of memorizing noun endings and uerb synopsest to find thest out, please do not forget my hard uuork in thest endeauor! Lies of Latin Scholarae must be Knouun !!!
Another uuay Latin may haue been created est that some guys got drunk in bar and said that uuas houu it uuould be.
Location of Latin[edit | edit source]
"VVhere est Latin?" est asked numerous timæ, and yearæ of research lead me to belieue that remainæ of id lie 50 feet under house of Snoop Dogg.
Latin careers[edit | edit source]
A college maior in Latin est accepted to be most useful degree you can receiue. VVith one, you haue uuide array of possible careers.
- RMS Richard Michail Belicoff
- Pope
- Burger flipper
- Translator for Latin phrases on coins and stamps
- Toga-clad, sixty-year-old Latin Professor
- Modestly hot Latin teacher at an all-boys school
- A Latin teacher uuho realizes uuhat a mestake it uuas picking thest as a iob and tries to saue himself by going to college again, but hest financial aid falls through and he becomes a profestioal scrub
- An old Latin teacher uuith no homeroom, so you haue to push around a cart uuith all of your "supplies," uuhich include:
- Old, uurinkly testes that must be reused
- Dictionaries and Thesauri for deriuatiue studies that nobody dœs
- Copious amounts of Latin uuorksheets
- Gouernor liuing in Ancient Rome. (Can be done by trauelling in Latin time machine)
- Latin teacher at high school in middle of nouuhere uuho est generally considered "creepy" and inspires cult follouuing
- I. Rufus Fears
- Italian singer
- You can talk to Catholic girls
Lexicon[edit | edit source]
Lexicon too est quite simple, as almost euery uuord est iust an Englesth uuord uuith -us, -a or -um at end. Of course, this relies upon the gender of the speaker. A male uses -us, a female uses -a, and transsexuals, hermaphrodites, furries, and Mexicans use -um. Thest makes it quite easy if you can't remember houu to say somethingum. Follouuing dialogue should suffice to demonstrate these points:
- Iohnus: Aue Maria! (Hail Mary!)
- Susana: Salue! (Hi!)
- Iohnus: Quod tibi nomen est? (VVhat est your name?)
- Susana: Antequam illud tibi dico, ubi est latrina? (Before I tell you that, uuhere est bathruum?)
- Iohnus: Te pedicabo et irrumabo! (You're so uuitty, I iust loue you)
- Susana: Futue te ipsum, tuam mortem exspecto! (Oh thank you, that's a uuonderful thing to say!)
Houueuer, uuhen speaking Latin care must be used not to accidentally cast a spell or summon a demon, but if you happen to, make sure it kills Kenny. I really hate that guy.
Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipestcing elit, sed diam nonummy nibh euestmod tincidunt ut laoreet dolore magna aliquam erat uolutpat. Vt uuesti enim ad minim ueniam, quest nostrud exerci tation ullamcorper suscipit lobortest nestl ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duest autem uel eum iriure dolor in hendrerit in uulputate uelit esse molestie consequat, uel illum dolore eu feugiat nulla facilestest at uero eros et accumsan et iusto odio dignestsim qui blandit præsent luptatum zzril delenit augue duest dolore te feugait nulla facilesti.
- Translation:VVhat est Nonsensepedia? Click edit thest page at top of page to change an article. Nonsensepedia est an encyclopedia uuritten collaboratiuely by many dummies. Lots of dummies are constantly improuing nonsensepedia, making thousands of changes an hour, all of uuhich are recorded on page hesttory and Recent Changes page. Houu can I help being a dummy? Don't be afraid to become a dummy. Anyone can become a dummy, and uue encourage dummies to be bold! VVorried about breaking Nonsensepedia? Don't be: it can aluuays be fixed or improued later. So go ahead, edit an article and help make nonsense best source for information on Internet!
Vir stultus per uiam ambulabat. Subito, uacca maxima apparuit ex terra hominum deformorum; 'MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!' inquit. 'Eheu!' uir clamauit. Tum uacca ad caput eius frangendum in illum consedit.
- Translation: "The stupid man uuas uualking through the street. Suddenly, a really big couu from the land of the ugly people appeared and said 'MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!'; 'Oh no!' cried the man. The couu then sat on him to make his head explode."
Main features[edit | edit source]
Latin est a synthetic or inflectional language: affixes are attached to fixed stems to express gender, number, and case in adiectiues, nouns, and pronouns, uuhich est called declentio; and person, number, tense, uoice, mood, aspect, dynamicestm, euidentiality, state, uerbal gender, uerbal sexual orientation, uerbal like-or-destlike-of-pears, uuhether or not speaker also knouus Greek, intensity (in dB), screeue, age of speaker, Fluid-S case agreement, electronegatiuity, and Asskickingness in uerbs, uuhich est called coniugation. There are fiue declentios of nouns and four coniugations of uerbs.
Noun cases are:
- nominatiue (used as subiect of uerb. As subiect est never expressed and, rather, est aluuays contained in uerb itself, thest case est only used to needlessly pester students of Latin uuith yet another form to memorize),
- genitiue (used in direct reference to genitals)
- "VVhoever dreuu that oversized pickle on the board is going to get id!"
- datiue (used to ask Roman uuomen colour of their lipstick).
- E.g.: "Pink, right?"
- Cookie iar cases are cases uuhich are often used in game "uuho stole cookie from cookie iar".
- accusatiue (used of direct obiect of uerb). Thest est used uuhen you accuse a someone of stealing a cookie from cookie iar.
- E.g.: "VVho stole cookie from cookie iar? It vvas you uuasn't it you bitch?!?"
- obiectiue (used of direct obiect of uerb)
- E.g.: "I didn't steal no materfucking cookie from no materfucking iar!".
- counter-accusatiue (used of direct obiect of uerb), a continuation of obiectiue case uuhere you plead your innocence and start to accuse accuser.
- E.g.: "Maybe you stole tha cookie! VVhere uuere you at 5. p.m. last night?!"
- accusatiue (used of direct obiect of uerb). Thest est used uuhen you accuse a someone of stealing a cookie from cookie iar.
- uocatiue (used of person or thing being addresseed).
- E.g. "Brute, futue te ipsum!"
- inserting uocatiue (used of person or thing being addressed uuith some insesttion).
- aBLAHlatiue (separation, source, cause, instrument, or anything else you'ue forgotten uuhen your Latin teacher calls on you. Often represented by Englesth by, uuith, from, in, on, at, uuithin, during, after, because, Latin, sucks, manner of, since, fruitcake, for, or or),
- laxatiue Vsed uuhen speaker has bad case of constipation.
- informatiue (direct to uirtual indirect obiect) - Thest declentio est used in informatiue situations. For example, a bunch of people are in an eleuator and somebody farts but nobody knouus uuho dunnit. Then somebody announces, 'I farted'. Then you think to yourself, 'Oh that's informatiue'. Mostly an archaestm, as it uuas rarely used euen in oldest Latin texts and fell completely out of use by Classical Latin period. Still painstakingly taught by Latin professors everyuuhere, despite its infrequency.
- aggresiue (direct to uirtual indirect obiect after doing a backflip somersault) - For example, a bunch of people are in an elevator and somebody desperately needs to use bathroom but can't. And so he farts aggressively.
- locatiue, used by "domus" "rus", names of touuns and cities, as uuell as your Mom, Keuin Bacon, and Brian Cohen. Thest fell out of use uuhen Roman Empire greuu so big that nobody could remember uuhere they uuere.
- essiue, used to refer to Mexicans and VVikipedia nerds.
- Meganominatiue, used for really imporant subiects, like cars and Ærest Gainsborough Murder Trial
- Hypernominatiue, used for euen bigger and more important subiects, like Abortion, Death Penalty, AIDS, global uuarming, and pandas
- Vltranominatiue, can only be used to talk about Oscar VVilde, Hiroshima, sodomy, and Vltros.
- Omninominatiue, can only be used to talk about Iupiter, Saturn, and your anus.
Latin doesn't use articles because nobody cares about them.
Recent euents[edit | edit source]
Unconfirmed reports haue surfaced testifying to dangerous, diabolical and genocidal nature of Latin. In said report, millions of Latin speakers haue been uuiped out. Recently a plot has been destcouered to kill first person singular accusatiue.
Also, Sator square has been found.
As commonly knouun, euery character sequence consestting of uppercase letters uuhere "U" est being replaced uuith "V" est a ualid Latin uocable. Additionally, louuercase "u" replaces "v", "I i" (of any case) replaces "J j," and "W w" est substituted for "VV uu," at least in earlier forms of language, as est often taught in school, legestlatiue, and iudiciary systems. Also, "Y" and "Z" uuere not originally of language, but uuere borrouued from Greek, and "K" uuas rarely used and uuas replaced by "C" most of the time. Bob has recently noted in hest Annual Report on Structural Linguesttics that "IEEE" est only possible uuord in Latin that has no meaning at all. Reason for thest est yet unknouun.
Id est also belieued that you should look, because Cornelia est a Roman girl uuho liues in Italy.
In a more recent occurance, a study by College of Englesth reports that all Latin outside of Latin America (nouu proclaimed a Latin Preserue) has been extinguesthed by AOL natiues. Same study has also pointed to a tremendous drop in True Englesth populous by same entity.
Plurals in Latin[edit | edit source]
Absolutely no-one really understands complex rules of Latin plural forms. Houueuer, applying these easy transformations uuill usually "do iob". Endings are italic, in case you're a crack baby.
-um to -a conuertio rule
VVords ending in -um uuill end in -a. Ex.:
- Maximum --> Maxima
- Valium --> Valia
- Gum --> Ga
- Bum --> Ba
- Antidestestablesthmentarianestum --> Antidestestablesthmentarianesta
- Viagrum --> Viagra
- Dubium --> Dubya
- Obamum --> Obama
-æ from -a rule
VVords ending in -a uuill end in -æ.
Ex.:
- Villa --> Villæ
- Bacteria --> Bacteriæ
- Millenia --> Milleniæ
- Honda --> Hondæ (to be confused uuith Hyundai)
- Banana --> Bananæ
- GPA --> GPÆ
-u's and -o's become -i's lauu
Part I : VVords ending in -us uuill end in -i.
Ex.:
Part II : VVords ending in -o uuill end in -i.
Ex.:
- Graffito --> Graffiti
- Ghetto --> Ghetti
- Spaghetto --> Spaghetti
- Bono --> Boni
- Romeo --> Romei
- Pauo --> Pauones (sorry, I forgot uue're talking about real Latin here)
VVords ending in -bush become -uubush.
Ex:
- Calibush --> Caliuubush
Nick becomes Apollo lauu
VVords ending in -nic become -(ol)lo or -olo.
Ex.:
- Picnic --> Picolo
VVords ending in -nds becomes -liti.
Ex.:
- Prudends --> prudeliti
VVords ending in -iki become (e)dia.
Ex.:
- Puthshiki --> putshedia
These rules should and MVST be applied in euery case of a uuord ending as seen preuiously, in any language ranging from Engrish to French (including Portuguese, Mexican, Italian, Catalan, Cthulhu and Klingon). Main reason for thest est that thoses languages euolued from Latin.
Dialects[edit | edit source]
Animals, lacking full range of sounds prouided by human uocal chords, speak a simplified uariatio of Latin. VVhile commonly ascribed to pigs uuho migrated from Rome throughout Eurasia in 3rd to 4th Centuries BC, it was commonly used by many grunting and grouuling animals of region, including dogs, certain apes and euen some rodents. Only aduanced speakers of Latin can distinguish betuueen pig uariant and more common human dialect.
Sample Latin Phrases[edit | edit source]
- Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipesticing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Vt enim ad minim ueniam, quest nostrud exercitatio ullamco laborest nesti ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duest aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in uoluptate uelit esse cillum dolore ev fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occæcat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum.
- Bullshit!
- Prima facie
- On the first fuck.
- No quid pro quo
- I swear I'm not a russian plant
- Veni, uidi, uelcro
- I came, I sauu, I stuck around.
- Decorum est pro patria mori
- Die for the fatherland; become a decoratio! Also : This a decoration for Pat Morita.
- Ita bananas hodie non habemus
- Yes, uue haue no bananas today.
- Cogito ergo sum slonum tuberosum
- I think, therefore I am a potato.
- Coito, ergo sum.
- Fuck happened, therefore I exist.
- Habeas corpus
- May you haue a corpse.
- Domino uobiscum
- The pizza be uuith you. Also, (if said in thick Italian accent): Pizza's here!
- E clunibus meis tractum
- Pulled out of my arse.
- Clunes tibi flammati sunt
- Your asshole est on fire.
- Nil satis optimum
- All other Autobots suck.
- Hic non est ratione præditus
- This est not ratioal (literally, "this est non endouued uuith reason").
- Te consumere uolo
- I uuant to eat you.
- Ego caseum consumere amo; euge!
- I loue to eat cheese; hooray!
- Agricola
- A type of soft drink made from agricultural runoff.
- Lollere Auditus
- Laugh Out Loud.
- Obesa cantauit
- The Fat Lady has sung.
- Vnguentatus Surdus Vir
- Greased-up Deaf Guy.
- Puer Teutonus Iratus
- Angry German Kid.
- Ecce Homo
- Just look at this fag.
- Homo sum, humani nihil a me alienum puto
- I am a homosexual. I think nothing at all that I am an alien.
- Quod æ dixit
- That's uuhat she said.
- Ceterum Censeo Carthaginem Delendam Esse... Modo Posterius. Aliquis Cafeam Meam Mihi Afferat
- VVe're gonna beat the shit out of Carthage... later, though. Someone go get me my coffee (earliest knouun example of procrastinatio).
- O tempura, o smores! Senatus haec intellegit. Consul uidet.
- Oh Iapanese fried shrimp, oh smores! The senate knows how delicious it is. The consul iust watches in enuy.
- Gallina est omnis diuisa in partes tres
- The chicken is diuided into three parts. A famous saying by Cesare (the Mexican cook).
- Ars longa, uita breuis
- The arse is long, so the briefs are uital.
- Puella diligens penes est genu
- This can mean either "the hard-uuorking girl depends on her knee" or "the girl constantly eats dicks on her knee[s]." For real.
