Uncyclopedia:Anniversaries/April

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April 1: April Fools' Day

  • 1926 - April Emily Fools is born to Herb and Emma Fools in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
  • 1930 - April begins her life outside the limelight when her sister Judith is born.
  • 1938 - At the age of twelve, Fools first shows an interest in baking when she helps her grandmother, the well-known Rose Fools, bake cookies.
  • 1942 - April suffers her first true heartbreak when her sister Judith makes the cheerleading squad over her, gets the lead in the school play, and steals her boyfriend Johnny on the same day.
  • 1944 - Fools lands her first job, working at a tank tread manufacturing plant in downtown Milwaukee.
  • 1949 - After a lengthy engagement, April marries Albert Cranston in Madison, Wisconsin.
  • 1952 - Upon the suggestion of a friend, April begins a small baked goods business from her own kitchen.
  • 1955 - April and Albert welcome their first child into the world: Richard Cranston, named after his paternal grandfather.
  • 1957 - The Cranston family welcomes their second child, Judy.
  • 1969 - April enters a deep depression after her sister Judith dies of pancreatic cancer.
  • 1971 - April enjoys what she would later describe as "the rush of a lifetime" after appearing on a local television program instructing children how to bake brownies.
  • 1978 - Albert and April become grandparents to Henry Cranston.
  • 1994 - April Emily Fools-Cranston passes away in her hometown of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. The Milwaukee Herald declares her birthday a national holiday.


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Description

April 2: National Refrigerator Day (Paraguay)

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April 3: Vivaldi Appreciation Day


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April 4: National No Spamming Day (Iraq)

  • 3141 BC - The world's first great pi was baked. It took \pi years to eat.
  • 1949 - Iceland's blundered declaration of war on the USA leads to the accidental formation of NATO.
  • 1951 - The world's favorite missile, the Tomahawk, goes on sale in Wal-Mart.
  • 1969 - The band Nazareth (Lead by bassist/singer Jesus) releases their most critically acclaimed album, You Shall Not Spam.
  • 1469 - All calendars in the U.S. are set back 500 years
  • 1503 - Disneyland Central America opens in the Aztec city of Tenochtitlan.
  • 1589 - The first Burning man festival was held, there were no naked renaissance hippie survivors.
  • 1884 - First episode of The Simpsons premieres in stereoscopic format. Matt Groening makes ten cents in royalties and becomes one of the wealthiest bastards on the entire planet.
  • 1975 - You really should have bought shares in Microsoft, which was formed on this day.
  • 1984 - President Ronald Reagan calls for an international ban on something or other, oh hell I can't remember. (Pictured)
  • 2001 - The butterfly effect is proved in an ingenious experiment, causing devastating hurricane damage in China.
  • 2002 - Actor Mickey Rooney begins his process of decomposition.

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April 5: National Bullying Day (Scotland)

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April 6: Arson Wednesday (New Zealand)

  • 1308 BC - Earliest solar eclipse first recorded by Ancient Greeks quickly followed by large earthquake, suicide, and disease.
  • 1 AD - Baby Jesus flips off a goat, and the judges give him a 9.65.
  • 612 - Arab popstar Mohammed declares he is "more popular than Jesus now."
  • 1522 - Mary had a little lamb. Yankee Doodle claims to be father.
  • 1593 - John Greenwood, English Congregationalist, hanged. His last words: "Get this fucking rope off of me!"
  • 1895 - Oscar Wilde was arrested in London for "acts of gross indecency". No, really.
  • 1999 - Chinese Democracy is released and subsequently pulled off shelves after the US Gov't denies reports of its existence.
  • 1935 - AT&T formed. Its first disgruntled customer is created moments later.
  • 1955 - Hell freezes over, Devil skates to work.
  • 1985 - Video gaming is first cited as a precursor to juvenile delinquency.
  • 1992 - Fire reinvented due to poor quality performance.
  • 1994 - Kurt Cobain's attempt to win a posthumous Grammy backfires tragically.

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April 7: Beat your Spouse into a Bloody Pulp Day (Antarctica)


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April 8: International Things That Rhyme With "Bat" Day

  • 563 BC - Buddha is born. Under a tree he sat.
  • 432 BC- Artemus of Capadocia introduces kitten huffing to the world when he huffs a small cat.
  • 67 - Pliny the Elder records the first instance of fortune telling through analysis of scat.
  • 1612 - A new sport is introduced when Swedish people use a cannon to launch a rat.
  • 1935 - FDR signs Emergency Relief Appropriation Act, then dances a jig and falls flat.
  • 1998 - Another explosion occurs in the usually serene inlet of Michael Bay, sounding like this: splat.
  • 2006 - Conservapedia is founded and its editors immediately make such valid claims as 'the Earth is flat'.
  • 2011 - Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal proves himself to be a prat.

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April 9: Stereotype Dismissal Day (France)


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Juan Valdez

April 10: Smoke-'em-if-ya-got-'em Day

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Fuck you, John Milton.

April 11: "Fuck You John Milton" Day (U.K.)

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If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.

April 12: Narcolepsy D....zzzzzz

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The Big Dick

April 13: Shower With Your Best Friend Day (Singapore)

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A dark day in American history

April 14: Pull My Finger Day


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April 15: Like Theft But Legal Day (Somalia)

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Handsome.

April 16: 42nd Josef Stalin Appreciation Day (World)

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Ring around the Planet

April 17: Genocide Appreciation Day

  • 69 AD - The Roman Empire starts a program where Christians die for their own entertainment. Today, this program is known as Pay-Per-View.
  • 1783 - America wins its war for independence. Agrees to continue the British policy of deindianization.
  • 1525 - Cortéz kills all the dirty Aztecs and purifies Mexico by ordering his men to rape the Aztec women.
  • 1555 - After 18 months of siege, Siena surrenders to the Imperial army. The Republic of Siena is incorporated into the Grand Douche of The Dark Side. Italians begin tanning. Fist pump their way to the Coastal United States.
  • 1915 - The Armenian Genocide begins, Turkey declares it to be a startling coincidence.
  • 1932 - Joseph Stalin pays the clouds twelve rubles to stop raining in Ukraine, everyone dies.
  • 1940 - Adolf Hitler attempts to cleanse Europe of Jews and other minority groups, but creates antibiotic resistant Super-Minorities in the process.
  • 1967 - The Beatles write "Hey Jude", (German for "Kill everyone named Jude"). People are oblivious.
  • 1992 - While not really genocide related, Rodney King is found not guilty of beating two white policemen.
  • 1994 - The Rwandan Genocide begins. Who-twos and Tootsie Rolls machete each other in the face and then make up.
  • 2016 - The Americans commits horrible genocide against their own brain cells, the rest flee to Canada.

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Sparklers

April 18: Dependence Day (Canada)

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April 19: Clitoris Awareness Day

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yon hyaku nijuu moyase!

April 20: Smoke Weed for Baby Hitler Day (Germany)


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Nerd.

April 21: "We Are Totally Romans" Day (Italy)

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April 22: National Try To Assassinate The President Day (U.S.)

  • 1108 - The Earth cooled down and life multiplied way too quickly and ruined the entire planet.
  • 1420 - Johannes Gutenberg becomes a father, names firstborn son "Steve".
  • 1609 - Council of Antes declares that peas will henceforth be eaten with a fork.
  • 1882 - First obscene phone call made, crude equipment mandates heavy breathing when careless whispers can not be heard.
  • 1900 - Families all over the world clamor for Jell-O for their just deserts.
  • 1962 - Lee Harvey Oswald (Pictured) fucks up first attempt to kill JFK so badly the attempt goes unnoticed until 1986, when a remodeling crew fixes the bullet hole.
  • 1970 - The Partridge Family thinks it loves you, but what is it so afraid of?
  • 1971 - An Environmental Teach-In attempts to celebrate Earth Day. The event was a miserable failure because it was discovered that Earth was actually created on September 26.
  • 1981 - A second failed assassination attempt on Ronald Reagan takes place, the shooter's motive being Reagan's films which the shooter declared, "sucked".
  • 2002 - WWE star Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson invents the ability to refer to himself in the fifth person.
  • 2022 - Darth Vader gets his voice box fixed after decades of agony.

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Like a bridge over troubled water, I will lay me down...

April 23: Bring Your Penis To Work Day

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Oh God I feel it.

April 24: Regretting Eating Those Novelty Chocolate Easter Bunnies Day (U.S.)

  • ∞ BC - Time begins, to the disappointment of trillions.
  • 33 - Zombie Jesus rises from his tomb and partially devours the brains of his apostles, resulting in most of the inane ramblings in The New Testament.
  • 1353 - Badger maulings reach record levels in Europe.
  • 1704 - The first regular newspaper is published in America: The Boston New-Letter, containing overly-opinionated columns and hyped-up headlines. Circulation soars.
  • 1856 - The word chairman is introduced to the Oxford English Dictionary as 'A person with a proclivity to stand sitting'.
  • 1862 - The American Civil War on spelling begins, the letter 'u' in 'color' being the first victim.
  • 1984 - Apple builds the world's first do-nothing computer.
  • 1995 - The most amazing child on earth was born, sadly, he was born in Croatia.
  • 2000 - Fat-free chips withdrawn from supermarket shelves in the UK due to risk of intestinal implosion.
  • 2005 - George W. Bush declares, "America is officially full," all immigrants rerouted to Nunavut.

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National Obesity Day

April 25: National Obesity Appreciation Day (North America)

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Nothing's gonna change my world, nothing's gonna change my world.

April 26: Hyperbole Day!

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April 27: When Pigs Fly Day (Chile)

  • 1124 - King David the Lastnameless takes the throne of Scotland
  • 1294 - Scotland calls France a bunch of pussies. Angry grumbling ensues.
  • 1368 - The Big Bad Wolf is found guilty of vandalism and mouth robbery, and is sentenced to 30 hours of social work.
  • 1509 - Pope Julius II places the Italian state of Venice under interdict. The interdict arose from finding the state warm and moist.
  • 1520 - Magellan arrives in the Philippines. The locals invite him in for some dinner.
  • 1555 - You are born, but die of cholera by age eight. You don't remember this previous life because you were born a moron.
  • 1945 - USA and USSR meet for the first time in Germany, starting a love affair to last several decades.
  • 1949 - Texas becomes the first US State to outlaw Cheese, following the discovery of a Soviet covert cheddar ring operating in Houston.
  • 1966 - NASA scientists propose using Dusty Springfield's 11-mile tall bouffant to get to the moon.

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Spirited Away...

April 28: Amateur Internet Porn Day

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¡No pasarán!

April 29: Annual Belly Button Lint Harvest (Peru)

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*freeze frame* *record scratch* You're probably wondering what I'm doing here...

April 30: Overused Pop Cultural Reference Day ('Nam)

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