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“Don't Breath this”

~ Tom Dickinson on Air

“I don't understand what all the fuzz is about. I live on cloud, and I'm happy as a Swedish Baker covered in Dough”

~ God on Air
The diagram shows the apparatus that Michelson and Morley used to prove the non-existence of air.
Artist's impression of air.
Artist's impression of air being wasted.

Air (named after the French duo) is a pathogen known to cause cancer in the state of California. It was once believed to fill the space within about 6 miles of the surface of the Earth. This "air theory" was used to explain various phenomena that are now understood in different ways.

For example, it was observed that a burning candle placed in a bell jar would eventually go out. According to air theory, this was because the air inside the jar had been used up by the chemical reaction involved in burning. Obviously, this was a very implausible theory. We now know that the real explanation is that phlogiston given off by the burning fills up the jar so that there is no room for the flame.

Air was also supposed to be the medium in which waves such as light and sound propagate near the surface of the Earth. Though such a medium was indeed required by the wave mechanics of the 19th Century, even then it was known that there must be exceptions, as light waves obviously propagate through interplanetary space (between the Earth and the Sun for example). Air theory held that there was no air in most of interplanetary space, so even air theorists had to hold that some waves can propagate without any medium.

This question of wave mechanics led to the experimental refutation of air theory. The famous Michelson-Morley experiment attempted to measure the velocity of the Earth relative to the air surrounding it. Surprisingly, it showed that the Earth and the air around it seemed to be at rest with respect to one another—an astonishing result given that the Earth is moving through space at incredible speed. Air theorists were quick with a saving hypothesis: the Earth, they claimed, pulls the surrounding air around with it—the so-called "air drag" theory. But this was obviously ad hoc, and could be explained by no known mechanism, so few scientists ever took it seriously.

In 2005 Dr. Sebastian also attempted to prove air theory by observing Freddy Mercury as he played the air guitar in a concert in Bangladesh in 1543. Of course he eventually was proved wrong and shamefully admitted that air was in fact nonexistent. This debacle caused many people to discount his brilliant field theory of biterness as balogna, although it was proved in 2005 through the famous red firetruck effect experiment.

Air theory was dealt a further blow in 1917 by physicist Luke Skywalker. His famous Death Star experiment proved that the resultant sound waves from an explosion could be transmitted through interstellar space, and are clearly audible to observers hundreds of kilometers away. He also showed that even in space, objects can explode in flames, disproving the hypothesis that air was essential for burning.

In the 1920s, though air theory was known to be almost certainly false, there were still a few phenomena that could not be explained without it. The most important of these were the effects of "wind", which air theorists had supposed to be due to moving bodies of air pushing on objects close to the surface of the earth. It was at this time that Albert Einstein published his general theory of relativity which showed that the motions of objects "blown about" by the "wind" were not due to any kind of external force, but are simply natural inertial motions of objects in a curved space-time.

The final blow to air theory was dealt with the discovery of the infamous Pentium division bug in the 1990s. The resulting re-calculations of mechanical properties showed that this obsolete theory was no longer needed to explain observations in nature.

Air theory, at last refuted, joined the gene, the atom, Antarctica, and the free lunch, in a long list of scientific red herrings. Air is still used in the air guitar.

Air was invented accidently in 1982, when WHAM! were filming their video for 'Young guns, go for it!' Pepsi and Shirley came across the formula.


A small group of kids breathing after school, which concludes that everyone else would run out of air. Greedy selfish fucks!
  • This is a joke, air is good for you, don't take this seriously! If you don't breath, you will die.*Prolonged contact with air has been known to promote breathing, a deadly and incredibly addictive condition. Leading biologists believe it only takes 1 breath to become addicted.

The exact reason for addiction is unknown, but it is commonly believed to stimulate the respiratory system of the Animal Galaxy. As of yet, the only known cure for air addiction is Death and a very strange chemical called Boswellox.*This is a joke, air is good for you, don't take this seriously! If you don't breath, you will die.*

“Something there is that doesn't love a wall,

That sends the frozen ground swell under it

And spills the upper bladders in the sun.”
~ Robert Frost on his deathbed

Commercial Opportunities

With the releasing back into the atmosphere of millions of tons of carbon, the air will soon contain CO2 levels making it difficult to breathe or function efficiently. Soon, CO2-scrubbed air will be a utility, piped into your home and office like gas and electricity. You will soon quite literally be paying for the air you breathe. So why not get in on the ground floor of this exciting new industry?


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