Uncyclopedia:April Fools/2014

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Orchids are a special family of temptress flowers that bloom around June, totally unlike conservative flowers with upstanding morals and family values. They have delicate bodies, slim stems, and deep orifices, with small follicles emanating from their lower inner region that open up once every 28 days or so to emit a rather fishy yet surprisingly fragrant scent in order to attract insects, which will invade their insides to help pollinate them.

Orchids are considered to be some of the most scrumptious flowers in the plant kingdom, and they are also utterly insatiable. No amount of pollination is enough. Whereas almost all other flowers would be satisfied with one insect pollinator per day, for Orchids, no amount of frequent diverse visitors is enough. They are so good at seduction, bumble bees are known to fight one another to the death in their attempt to mount the stamens of orchids and destroy their tall slender legs in the process. Only the strongest bees with the most cunning, deceptive, and charismatic qualities are able to beat other bees during the frenzied orchid mating season. (Full article...)

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Did you know...

... if you are right brained or left brained? (Pictured)

... that the The Antipodean Gallery of Post-Modern Art will play host to some of Pau Pei's most groundbreaking works of concentric art? (Pictured)

... that "Rosebud" was his sled? Oh wait, everyone knew that.
... that the average human male between the ages of 18 and 42 has thought about sex with Brad Pitt at least once?
... that the sky is up and the ground is down, except in Australia where the opposite is true?
... that Deus ex machina is Latin for "cop out"?
... that my mom's name is also Martha?
... that the Uncyclopedia Discord link contains a virus called which infects your computer with the Uncyclopedia Discord?
... that if you say peacock, no one bats an eye, but if you say poop cock, everyone blows their minds?

... that the man on the left is admiring the bare torso of the man on the right in a purely non-sexual manner? (Pictured)

... that the average human male between the ages of 18 and 42 has thought about sex with Brad Pitt at least once?
... that Ben Stiller's face makes everything funny?
... that there's more to the 9/11 attacks than the conspiracy theorists would have you believe? Like, way more?
... that I'm better than this person in particular?
... that reading this DYK suggestion just wasted 10 seconds of your life?
... that the light at the end of the tunnel is commonly reported to be a strobe light accented with techno?
... that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish?

... that Malcom X absolutely loved Kentucky Fried Chicken? (Pictured)

... that contrary to popular belief, she never actually sold seashells by the seashore?
... that Witch-Hunting For Fun and Profit has mostly turned into Witch-Hunting For Fun in this modern era of cheaply produced Chinese assembly line witches?
... that two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights make an airplane?
... that sarcasm is totally the highest form of wit?
... that you have schizophrenia and we're talking about you right now?
... that you should invest in chicken stock?
... that Freddie Mercury was banned in some European countries due to his extremely radioactive last name?

... that the Southern United States is well-known for its "Southern Hospitality"? (Pictured)

... that there is a pipe bomb placed in your mailbox?
... that it is important to tune your Air Guitar constantly, as any dust particles that stick to the complicated arrangement of air will completely deform it?
... that Uranus is a gas giant?
... that it takes a great amount of sexual commitment to get a computer turned on, but once your computer is properly aroused, it can offer you some of the greatest sexual thrills you may ever experience?
... that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?
…that it’s offensive to call them “black pencils” and we should call them “pencils of colour isntead”?
... that the Pope recently announced that the whole "Christianity" thing is a whole load of shit?

... if you are right brained or left brained? (Pictured)

... that Obama's last name is [REDACTED]?
... that George Washington was an avid heterosexual?
... that if you fold your arms and try to touch your feet you look like a complete fucking fool?
... that Uncyclopedia is riddled with subliminal messages? DRINK COCA COLA
... no, you didn't! Stop lying!
... that bestiality just got 15 percent more legal?
... that although the effects of alternative medicine are difficult to separate from a placebo, dumb hippies are easy to separate from their money?

... that I hear voices outside my room? (Pictured)

... that removing the rubber bands from the claws of a Lobster can result in oh god get it off get it OFF OH GOD MY FACE!
... that cow tipping is a term that describes the custom of giving bovines an additional sum of money in exchange for their milk, meat, or other services?
... that Calvin and Hobbes was an action-packed buddy comedy series that ran from 1542-1549, featuring philosophers John Calvin and Thomas Hobbes as themselves?
... that if you fold your arms and try to touch your feet you look like a complete fucking fool?
... that bipolar bears are not to be messed with, more-so than polar bears?
... that those actually were the droids you were looking for?
... that en passant is actually French for "inventing new rules as you go along?"

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In the news
World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured) Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.) The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS! US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Donald Trump *still really, really* wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Saturn Awards • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed • Impossibly long lines at American airports Recent deaths: Miami Dolphins, twice • That guy from Boston, not the city, but the band, from the city • Chuck Norris doesn't die, he goes to Hell to regroup • Buffy • Xander Harris • Robert Mueller Upcoming deaths: Dancin' Maduro • Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name • TSA agents' bank accounts and sanity UnNews – Podcast – Subscribe via iTunes**
On this day...
March 23: Take Your Fish To Work Day 139 AD - Roman historian Erraticus publishes the fourth version of Life of Trajan, this one portaying Trajan as an emperor and retracting the previous version's claims that Trajan was a talking donkey. 1097 - St. Peter's Basilica was first used outside of the Vatican city during the first Crusades. 1952 - Beloved British children's author Enid Blyton publishes her most famous work, The Three Golliwogs. Please don't google it. 1956 - Pakistan declares itself to be an Islamic Republic, which is like the Old Republic except without the Jedi. 1962 - Dozens of women march on Washington D.C. to politely request feminine rights, their husbands sit at home without their supper. 1974 - The last dirty liberal is sent to serve in the Vietnam War, rendering America a perfect utopia of conservatives for nearly eighteen months. Archive – View tomorrow

Today's featured picture

Though Zoloft has been very successful in its ad for fighting depression on American television, it's had difficulty adapting its campaign for Japan.

Image credit: RadicalX
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Writer and Uncyclopedian of the Month, and Noob of the Moment

Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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