Uncyclopedia:April Fools/2014

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The Buffalo Bills are a "professional" football "team". Their home is in Buffalo, New York. They are widely regarded as one of the most successful NFL franchises to exist ever. Their only championships where in 1964 and 1965 when they won two AFL titles. However, the Bills have not won any championships since the AFL–NFL merger, a move that many now consider "a huge fuck up". They were owned by a 93-year-old zombie man who refused to die named Ralph Wilson. In 2014 Wilson finally kicked the bucket, fucking zombie! Buffalo Sabres owner, oil fracker, and resident idiot Terry Pegula bought the team.

The Buffalo Bills are named after Buffalo Bill, a friendly man who lived in the woods all by himself. He would have guests over frequently where they would stay in a well he constructed in his home. They would stay for several days putting lotion on their skin. Bill then proceeded to skin them alive and wear their skin. The founders of the Bills felt this sort of behavior was admirable.(Full article...)

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Did you know...

... that the history of Great Britain (Pictured) is greater than Frosties?

... cluck gawk cluck cluck cluck cluck bock bock cluck cluck B`gawk? (Pictured)

... Nautical knots are not knots that can be knotted into knots (most likely not)?
... that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish?
... that in 2007 the Department of Homeland Security released a series of informative pamphlets on surviving a terrorist attack?
... that the only thing money can't buy is poverty?
... that no true Scotsman sugars his porridge, while every true Irishman does?
... that ten out of ten cigarette manufacturers agree that Cancer is great?
... that it's been proven beyond reasonable doubt that 50% of modern marriages end in divorce because of arguments inside IKEA stores?

... that Richard Nixon really just wanted a Magnavox Odyssey?

... that the life of Jesus Christ contains many allusions to Superman?
... that you actually didn't know?
... that sarcasm is totally the highest form of wit?
... that reading this section is a severe waste of time?
... that sheep shrink when it rains?
... that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?
... that it's been proven beyond reasonable doubt that 50% of modern marriages end in divorce because of arguments inside IKEA stores?

... that I hear voices outside my room? (Pictured)

... that homeopathic solutions are an effective treatment for thirst?
... that Karen is a female given name meaning "she who wants to see the manager"?
... that the national pastime of Palestine is Stone the Israeli Tank?
... that at some point, hanging in there just makes you look like an even bigger loser?
... that The Oldest Trick in the Book was first chronicled in cuneiform by the Ancient Sumerians, who lived on the windswept steppes of Mesopotamia?
... that nobody asked?
... conjuction verb noun preposition article verb noun?

... that the Southern United States is well-known for its "Southern Hospitality"? (Pictured)

... that if the earth were the size of an apple, we would fall off?
... that originally, Hell was an acronym for "Happiness, Euphoria, and Lively Laughter?"
... that contrary to popular belief, she never actually sold seashells by the seashore?
... that Liechtenstein is completely pointless?
... that Alexander isn't really that Great?
... that not all of Ukraine is Russia, though Russia can't seem to tell?
... that the butler did it?

... if you are right brained or left brained? (Pictured)

... that my dad reproduces asexually, thus making me impervious to yo momma jokes?
... that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?
... that it's probably not the weekend (The chance is 5/7)?
... that the fictional droid C-3PO is fluent in over six million forms of communication, but only four of them are love?
...the Cleveland Indians were about to become the Cleveland Clevelands?
... that I'm better than this person in particular?
... taht wrods and snetnces are raedalbe eevn wehn tehy are toatlly fckued up?

... that Gypsies are stealing your carrots right now? (Pictured)

... that the bow-tie is an aphrodisiac worn by male humans which instantly increases the sexual appeal of the wearer by 16%?
... that contrary to popular belief, popular belief isn't all that popular?
... that Bruce Lee could juggle two balls with his penis?
... that Martin Van Buren is a total dick and nobody likes him?
... that the sky is up and the ground is down, except in Australia where the opposite is true?
... that originally, Hell was an acronym for "Happiness, Euphoria, and Lively Laughter?"
... that the bird is equal to or greater than the word?

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In the news
Chuck Norris didn't die, Death got Chuck Norris'd. World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured) Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize Iran kept barely alive by Cardboard Ayatollah Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.) The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS! US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Donald Trump *still really, really* wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed • March Madness Elite Eight Recent deaths: Robert Mueller • Transgender self-identity in India • DMV-based sitcom canned after people realize they can watch literally anything else • Mr. Strickland • C.B. Buckner's carreer as an MLB ump • Duke's basketball season Upcoming deaths: Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name • Sora • Tiger Woods' driver's license and career.. fuck it, his life can go too UnNews – Podcast – Subscribe via iTunes**
On this day...
March 30: International Cleavage Day 13B BC - God creates the Milky Way after squeezing stellar matter out of her insanely big knockers. 1692 - Twelve women are burned at the stake for inciting men to sin with their exposed bra straps. 1867 - America buys Alaska from the Russians because of its stiff Mountain peaks and vast tracts of fertile land. 1945 - Woman wears clothing that shows cleavage. The husband beats her. 1950 - The first film in Indonesia gets released, known for having at least one uncensored boob scene. 1977 - Marvel Comics designs a bra with a nipple window, claims its a proud Kryptonian tradition. 2012 - Big butts are now in! But you still can't be more than 120 pounds. Hey, I don't make the rules. Archive – View tomorrow

Today's featured picture

The Microsoft Word Processor is good for the office and the kitchen! It can be yours for just 3 easy payments of $39.99!

Image credit: Tripod2282
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Writer and Uncyclopedian of the Month, and Noob of the Moment

Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

Clock is ticking! There's only one more day to nominate and vote for Writer of the Month, Noob of the Month and Uncyclopedian of the Month! Get voting!

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