Uncyclopedia:April Fools/2014

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Biffy Clyro is a Scottish rock band from Scotland. As well as being Scottish, nobody outside of the rainy isles has heard of them. The band is composed of one Scottish guy, and two other Scottish guys who are for some reason twins, even though they look nothing alike. During concerts, the trio are joined by musicians Mike Vennart and Dick "99% of Gamblers Quit Before They Win it Big" Ingram. Currently signed to 14th Floor Records, they have released at least six albums. Following the first three, their maybe-existent fan base grew to slightly larger numbers. As for who they actually are, I'm still not sure. I'm pretty sure they're a band, however. As well as being from Scotland, they are apparently very popular in the UK, which is not a place I've visited. As for their music... I'm not sure that exists either. (Full article...)

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Did you know...

... that I hear voices outside my room? (Pictured)

... that Elvis is NOT dead? (Pictured)

... that the world will beat a path to your door if you build a better Mousetrap?
... that Uncyclopedia admins are such lazy bums, they ask their users to think of DYK submissions?
... that goldfish are neither gold nor fish?
... that, because of Anonymous' credibility, he has become a frequent source of information for news articles?
... that I am inside your walls?
... that the French Revolution was just a rip-off of the American Revolution?
... that a chicken-proof lawn is impeckable?

... that 45% of Japan's electrical and nuclear power is produced by manual labor? (Pictured)

... that if Abraham Lincoln was alive today, he would be clawing desperately at the lid of his coffin and screaming for help?
... that The Root of All Evil is fishsticks?
... that the Kingfisher does not dine exclusively on kings, but also hunts queens, emperors, princes, dukes, viceroys and any other high-ranking members of the nobility?
... that the French Revolution was just a rip-off of the American Revolution?
... that Obama's last name is [REDACTED]?
... that Santa sees you while you're sleeping, and he knows when you're awake?
... that in 2007 the Department of Homeland Security released a series of informative pamphlets on surviving a terrorist attack?

... that Vincent Price is laughing at you from the grave? (Pictured)

... that Oscar Mayer has a way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A?
... that you're more likely to get struck by lightning twice than to discard an irrational fear based on a statistic like this one?
... conjuction verb noun preposition article verb noun?
... that St. Peter's Basilica is a large reptilian creature with breath of fire and a gaze that can turn people into stone?
... that doody played a very important role in the development of quantum physics?
... that your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory?
... that dihydrogen monoxide can kill you, specially if you breathe it?

... that President Hoover (Pictured) was an actual hoover?

... you're so fat, that if you don't stop, within a month you're gonna have a heart attack or stroke?
... that I don't like them putting chemicals in the water that turn the frickin' frogs gay?
... that Martin Van Buren is a total dick and nobody likes him?
... that you should accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior, today!
... Donald Trump? More like... Donald Gay! Hah, gottem!
... that the dolphin is the only animal other than man that laughs at its own farts?
... that this is why we can't have nice things?

... that Japanese ninjas are among those who have tried to find a way to get across the Great Wall of China? (Pictured)

... that Stan Lee originally conceived the X-Men as a group of post-op transgenders?
... that still lifes are the most interesting paintings?
... that Phonics (pronounced Pa-hon-iks.) is one of the deadliest and most addictive drugs on the streets? It is said to get children "hooked" in four weeks or your money back.
... that Minecraft developers are flat earthers?
... that you can always pay your credit card bills using your credit card?
... that the sport of Water Polo can be greatly improved with the addition of sharks?
... that it is important to tune your Air Guitar constantly, as any dust particles that stick to the complicated arrangement of air will completely deform it?

... that while I have no idea what this means, all I know is that I just lost my life savings while some other guy just bought his fifth yacht? (Pictured)

... that contrary to popular belief, she never actually sold seashells by the seashore?
... that this is why we can't have nice things?
... that water is bad for your health because fish have sex in it?
... that if Mommy is willing to lie about a freaky old dude who sneaks into children's bedrooms in the middle of the night to eat your cookies and drink your milk, she'll no doubt be willing to deceive you about everything else?
... no, you didn't! Stop lying!
... that your baby boy would one day walk on water?
... that there is a simple, easy solution to the fact that you cannot understand the foreigners who are sitting next to you?

Archive – Suggest new entries

In the news
Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize (Pictured) Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.) The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS! US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Donald Trump *still really, really* wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Winter Paralympics • Saturn Awards • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed Recent deaths: Warner Bros. bidding war • Neil Sedaka • Ali Khamenei • Team Italy sled hockey • Miami Dolphins • That guy from Boston. The band, not the city. But isn't the band from the city? Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • Weed • Dancin' Maduro • Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons UnNews – Podcast – Subscribe via iTunes**
On this day...
March 12: Indecent Exposure Day 1504 - Michelangelo's David lambasted by contemporary Italian critics for being insufficiently endowed (Pictured). 1923 - Mankind declares war on the rainforest after a tree lands on my infant boy, you are dead to me trees dead to me. 1962 - Beach bums take over much of Southern California, rendering it uninhabitable for decades. 1982 - Hospital administrators announce that disco has slipped into a coma and not expected to survive. 1994 - The Church of England allows women to become priests, but only on Sundays. 2011 - A Nuclear power plant in Japan explodes after massive earthquake and tsunami, Japanese children are born kinda fat now: coincidence? Archive – View tomorrow

Today's featured picture

Islamic extremists are unsure how to react to this sketch of what may or may not be the back of Mohammad's head.

Image credit: Modusoperandi
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Writer and Uncyclopedian of the Month, and Noob of the Moment

Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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