Uncyclopedia:April Fools/2014

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Reformed Orthodox Rabbi William "Bill" Clinton (born August 19, 1946) is an American politician, former childcare worker, former amateur saxophonist, and swingin' bachelor. As the 42nd President of the United States, and the horniest man to hold that position since JFK, he led America through the economic golden age of the '90s.

Clinton is famous for being the first president to institute the Opposite Presidential Term, in which everything he said during his second term is the exact opposite of what he said in his first term. In his first term, he was a Liberal, but in his second term, he was a Neocon; that was his way of bringing about change.

Clinton's term in office was marred by economic and political reform. The most serious was some bitch named Hillary, who kept insisting she was his wife and had actually slept with him. This was widely ignored by everyone until it was revealed that Bill had been secretly cheating on the First Lady with Hillary, in a perverse affair that culminated in a media frenzy. (Full article...)

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Did you know...

... that BET is dedicated to bringing quality entertainment to the masses? (Pictured)

... that the Black Knight always triumphs? (Pictured)

... that Earth, Wind & Fire have produced a multi-season autobiography?
... that abstinence is only 99.999% effective?
... that if Mommy is willing to lie about a freaky old dude who sneaks into children's bedrooms in the middle of the night to eat your cookies and drink your milk, she'll no doubt be willing to deceive you about everything else?
... no, you didn't! Stop lying!
... that if we lose cabin pressure, masks will drop from just above your head? I always get the Richard Nixon mask!
... that oxygen is a highly addictive drug, with 100% of all users becoming addicted with their first hit?
... that the square root of 69 is 8 something?

... that it's a surprisingly simple process to starting your own religion? (Pictured)

... that the only thing money can't buy is poverty?
... that while Pong! the Movie followed suit with the wildly popular video game genre, such as The Super Mario Bros. movie and Resident Evil, it did not play out as well in the box offices?
... that many diseases can be prevented by washing your hands before eating, after eating, during eating, and another couple of times just in case?
... that the Virgin Birth is no longer considered a miracle? Women have been giving birth to virgins for centuries!
... that Earth, Wind & Fire have produced a multi-season autobiography?
... that over 30 million Chinese peasants died in the Great Leap Forwards due to inadequate long-jump scores?
... that en passant is actually French for "inventing new rules as you go along?"

... that Pigpen had a collection of over 200 various skin diseases during his childhood? (Pictured)

... that there is one imposter among us?
... that contrary to popular belief, the emoticon ":3" is a depiction of someone with a scrotum for a mouth?
... that [Wiki|wiki formatting]] is perfect]? It never malfunctions'!
... that Crow war chieftain Old White Man was nothing like his brothers, Walks Over Eggshells and Sees No Color?
... that food is probably the most addictive substance known to man? Withdrawal symptoms include nausea, hallucinations and possibly death?
... that in order to complete the video game World of Warcraft, over one cubic mile of animals must be clicked?
...Jacking off to more exotic fetishes doesn't make you special?

... that playing Dungeons & Dragons has caused many teenagers to loose their grip on reality? (Pictured)

... that Bruce Lee could juggle two balls with his penis?
...Funkytown was a Scientology commune in the 60s?
... that the French Revolution was just a rip-off of the American Revolution?
... that there is no consensus among experts on vice presidential history that Al Gore exists?
... that St. Peter's Basilica is a large reptilian creature with breath of fire and a gaze that can turn people into stone?
... that Phonics (pronounced Pa-hon-iks.) is one of the deadliest and most addictive drugs on the streets? It is said to get children "hooked" in four weeks or your money back.
... that while most Popes don't shit in the woods, sometimes bears are Catholic?

... that your daughter wants to be just like her mommy? (Pictured)

... that the square root of 69 is 8 something?
... that the only way the bible could have more holes is if it were written on Jesus's skin?
... that the Russian Reversal is the common English term for the phenomenon during which a person descended from Russia is spontaneously turned around?
... that a bird in the hand is better than crabs in your bush?
... that the universe is made up of protons, electrons, neutrons and morons?
... that Drake the type of dingbat to believe everything he reads on Uncyclopedia?
... that Stan Lee originally conceived the X-Men as a group of post-op transgenders?

... that your daughter wants to be just like her mommy? (Pictured)

... that Jackson Pollock is the Jackson Pollock of painting?
... that the Virgin Birth is no longer considered a miracle? Women have been giving birth to virgins for centuries!
... that the butler did it?
... that while Pong! the Movie followed suit with the wildly popular video game genre, such as The Super Mario Bros. movie and Resident Evil, it did not play out as well in the box offices?
... pole dancing was introduced to Egyptian culture by Cleopatra?
... that the dolphin is the only animal other than man that laughs at its own farts?
... that rounding up sheep is easiest to the nearest ten?

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In the news
Chuck Norris didn't die, Death got Chuck Norris'd. World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured) Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize Iran kept barely alive by Cardboard Ayatollah Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.) The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS! US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed • March Madness Final Four Recent deaths: Robert Mueller • Transgender self-identity in India • Mr. Strickland • C.B. Buckner's carreer as an MLB ump • Duke's basketball season, choked away at the last moment Upcoming deaths: Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name • Sora • Tiger Woods' driver's license and career.. fuck it, his life can go too UnNews – Podcast – Subscribe via iTunes
On this day...
April 2: National Refrigerator Day (Paraguay) 1111 - The Knights Templar are formed as a clandestine drinking society, take things a little too far. 1942 - Classic arcade title 1942 developed as shoot 'em up, rights to year are purchased by Capcom, to the chagrin of some cranky veterans. 1983 - Science is invented by accident, and is quickly swept under the carpet. 1984 - Miniluv put crimethink proles into fridge, remake them goodthink fullwise. 2001 - The mailman bangs your mom, but she's her own person, you can't control who she loves. 2002 - The U.S. Kitten Embargo begins as part of The War Against Terror (Pictured), countless Iraqi kittens deported. 2012 - The number two renamed second one. Archive – View tomorrow

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Just when you thought hospital food couldn't get any worse...

Image credit: Doug
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Writer and Uncyclopedian of the Month, and Noob of the Moment

Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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