Uncyclopedia:April Fools/2014

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You have to be ready for everything. What if, say, you were just hanging at the basketball court at the local park, playing a casual pick-up game with a few of your best friends? Suddenly, you hear the roar of a crowd as you are suddenly approached by an enormous interloper. Could the crowd be screaming for you? No, they are, in fact, awed by the presence of Shaquille O'Neal, who in turn challenges you to a game of one-on-one. If you possessed the hops of Aaron Carter, besting Shaq would be small potatoes, but since you are not A.C., you must be prepared with a thorough strategy to beat Shaq real bad and make him cry. This time, it's for real.

It is a modestly known fact that Shaquille O'Neal is a sensitive, malleable soul, so it is best to start your game with a damaging psych-out to his fragile mind. Typical trash talk will not suffice here; your words must be as caustic as acid to splinter the fabric of his melonesque head and unwind his tenuous confidence sweater. The following list of verbal bullets have been used with success against the hall-of-fame athlete: (Full article...)

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Did you know...

... that the WWF is the only "sports entertainment" organization endorsed by PETA and Greenpeace? (Pictured)

... that St. Peter's Basilica is a large reptilian creature with breath of fire and a gaze that can turn people into stone?
... that while Pong! the Movie followed suit with the wildly popular video game genre, such as The Super Mario Brothers movie and Resident Evil, it did not play out as well in the box offices?
... that the sport of Water Polo can be greatly improved with the addition of sharks?
... that Bruce Lee could juggle two balls with his penis?
... that Karen is a female given name meaning "she who wants to see the manager"?
... that I'd rather be a hammer than a nail?

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In the news
Colombia Protests Exclusion from Eurovision; Britney Joins in Support (Pictured) Ship captain who wrecked Baltimore bridge defeated by Upstate New York bridge NFL imposes speed limit and bans trick plays Forecast calls for a leapin' Lousy Smarch weather Larry David gets Hinkled by Anti-Israel Protesters Taylor Swift's favorite NFL team wins rigged Super Bowl, big whoop Elon Musk plants brain chip into first human guinea pig Climate activists ruin Jackson Pollock painting, no one notices Stalemate in Ukraine: Zelenskyy flees for greener pastures Steamboat Willie enters public domain, several Mickey Mouse horror films and games announced Santa's Elves on strike UnNews finally able to write obituaries for Shaft, Bull and Chandler Will Barbenheimer beat JigSaw in his own game? Ongoing: Russian Invasion · ABBA Recent deaths: Akira Toriyama · M. Emmet Walsh · Louis Gossett Jr. · Hype around the eclipse · O. J. Simpson Upcoming deaths: Kris Kristofferson · Jimmy Carter · Vladimir Putin · The U.S. Federal Budget · Richard Simmons · Kate Middleton · Market demand for White Broncos · God's curse on the Buffalo Bills (..maybe) UnNews – Podcast – Subscribe via iTunes
On this day...
May 3: Fungal Infection Awareness Day 1494 - Christopher Columbus invents Jamaica after having failed to discover a route into the East Indies. 1791 - The May Constitution of Poland is proclaimed by the Polish diet, only to be promptly superseded by the Atkins Diet. 1810 - Lord Byron swims the Hellespont, for which he is finally awarded his Silver swimming badge. 1815 - Neapolitan War: Chocolate, Vanilla, and Strawberry easily defeat plain frozen yogurt. 1987 - Robert Palmer develops an unhealthy addiction to love which will eventually prove terminal, seventeen years later. 2001 - The U.S. loses its seat on the U.N. Human Rights Commission for the first time since the commission was formed in 1947, after inventing the Big Mac. 2008 - Poland's official constitutional lawyer (Pictured) escapes from his compound. Archive – View tomorrow

Today's featured picture

An affront to science, nature and human decency itself. A true monster the world has ever known. The unholy, amalgamated horrors of Donald Trump stitched together with the Kevin Smith film Tusk.

Image credit: Supergeeky1
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Writer and Uncyclopedian of the Month, and Noob of the Moment

Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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