Why?:Pour boiling hot water down your trousers?
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's Why? series. See more Why's?
“I always use an after shave lotion with little or no alcohol, because alcohol dries your face out and makes you look older. Then moisturizer, then an anti-aging eye balm followed by a final moisturizing protective lotion. Thereafter, I generally pour a pitcher of boiling hot water directly into my trousers.”
– Patrick Bateman on his morning routine
“If I'm feeling especially saucy, I'll double-douse!”
– Albert Einstein on his morning routine
Boiling hot water has a number of household uses; some days, it seems like we couldn't even function without a cup of the stuff. Sure, we can all think of the typical uses for piping hot agua (tea; water torture; jacuzzi supplementation). But have you ever thought about its other viable, cost-effective uses? More specifically, have you ever thought about using it as an alarm clock, or sexual repression aid?
If you answered yes to the previous questions, you've just taken the first step towards unlocking the inherent power of steaming, blistering H20. And if you've taken this all-important first step, it's likely that you're ready for the ultimate in aquatic functionality. Go ahead friend; grab that handle, grip it tight, open your fly and funnel in that molten liquid stream!
Now wasn't that refreshing? Of course it was. But the amazing sensation of excruciatingly warm liquid on the genitals is just one of many reasons to pour boiling hot water down your trousers.
But that REALLY hurt!
Nonsense!!! Your body is just adjusting to the change in your routine (much like what happens when you take unlabeled medications, or go through menopause). For the first week or so, some discomfort may be experienced. In such cases, it is imperative that the process be repeated regularly. If maintained, your body will gain a tolerance, and the blisters will callus, ceasing further unpleasantness. Now that you understand proper application technique, lets discuss the benefits of pouring boiling hot water down one's trousers.
Why You Should
- Sterilization - It's common knowledge that boiling water is the best way to sanitize everything from kitchen utensils to DVD players. Logically, doesn't it make sense to want your pelvic region to be just as sterile as your flatware? Boiling water down the trousers will instantly cleanse the applied area of germs, ticks, ear mites, and dust bunnies, leaving you with a clean, tidy, hairless package.
- Sexual Deterrent - Quite often, we're faced with the daunting task of denying sexual advances from a prospect-seeking partner. In most of these cases a mere "Sorry Jessica, I'm just not in the mood" simply will not suffice. Such a predicament leaves ones in an awkward, frightening situation: how to turn down sex this time, and still be able to get it at some other time. To most, the case would be impossible -- not so for the man with boiling water in his pants. Now, "Sorry, I'm not in the mood" is magically transformed into "Sorry, I think I'm about to pass out from the excruciating pain of this boiling hot water that I just poured down the front of my trousers." Success!
- Wake-up Calls - How many times have you been on a long business trip in which you just couldn't muster the strength to answer the wake-up call you'd requested in the day prior? Again, boiling hot water can help! Using a number of items commonly found in hotel rooms across the country, you can fashion your very own wake-up kit, harnessing the power of scorching liquid ingenuity.
- It's Better than Watching Waterworld - Seriously. Try watching Waterworld and tell me you wouldn't have rather doused yourself with boiling hot water. This fact is also applicable with Howard the Duck, Grease 2 and the comprehensive filmography of Peter Bogdanovich.
Now, after reading these points, it may seem like there'd be no possible reason why pouring boiling hot water down your trousers would be a bad thing. This is sound logic; you are most certainly correct. However, there are a few reasons the one should not pour ridiculously hot water down their pants -- lets discuss those now.
Why You Shouldn't
- To Impress Your Friends - Pouring boiling hot water down your pants is a decision that you must make for yourself. Sure, it'll transform you into an instantly cooler and more fashionable person, but the choice to pour boiling water down your trousers should be yours, and yours alone. Don't let peer pressure or parental ultimatums force the liquid into your pants; you'll come away from the experience feeling shallow, hollow, and shollow.
- Self-Mutilation/Disfigurement - Boiling hot water is NOT an acceptable method of self-inflicted mutilation. If you plan on significantly altering your body's natural state, invest in a proper tool kit (hammers, pliers, handsaws, etc.). Boiling water is a tricky substance to control once it exits its holding receptacle, and will often miss its target when used for specific disfigurement procedures. This can ultimately lead to a number of costly, painful mistakes.
- Concentration - It is unwise to pour boiling water down your trousers while you're trying to concentrate on something important (such as an algebra test, or building space shuttle components). The intense pleasure of the water's singeing warmth can be fairly distracting. If you feel the need to apply boiling water to your nether regions while in a state of deep concentration, it is recommended that you remove yourself from said situation, apply the liquid, and return to your task thereafter.
A Brief History of Pouring Boiling Hot Water Down Your Pants
Boiling hot water had been used in more traditional applications (laundry; gardening) for many years throughout Europe prior to its discovery by Swiss physicist Andras Schluttz. Schluttz made his epic discovery over a spot of chamomile, somewhere off the coast of New Guinea. In his diary, Schluttz wrote:
|“||November the 3rd, 1781: HOLY FUCKING HELL, IT WOULD SEEM THAT I'VE JUST SPILT BOILING HOT WATER DIRECTLY INTO MY LAP!||”|
News of boiling water's therapeutic nature spread quickly over the next 200 years, creating the growing trend of trouser-dousers the world knows today. While still popular in Europe (France and Germany especially), pouring boiling hot water down one's trousers has spread all over the map, reportedly practiced in Asia, North America, and parts of Africa (where water is available).
It is rumored that acclaimed director David Lynch engages in several ritualistic rounds of pants dousing before the first and last days of shooting when producing a film. Though he has never spoken to anyone (ever), it is believed that the practice is somehow cathartic.
Can Cold Water be Used as Well?
No. This is a commonly asked question, one which reveals many things about the enquirer's personality. If one was looking for an alternative to scaldingly hot water, then he/she/it should not be pursuing this line of pleasure seeking. As Mark Hawkins (Senior executive - Logitech) and Gandhi both agreed in one of their regular business excursions, "To pour cold water upon one's own genitalia is comparable only to the heinous betrayal of eloping to Texas."
Another commonly asked question is, "Can tepid or rather hot water be used?" The answer to this question is similar to the first. The pleasures obtained from pouring said scalding liquid down one's trousers cannot be replicated by any means other than surgically placed cerebral nodes. We would however discourage such actions as they could hurt you and leave a really ugly scar. Instead stick to the tried and tested method of excruciatingly severe localized scalding of the genitals.
- NOTE: Should pain continue for more than three weeks, try using a larger container of boiling water during applications.
- Nat'l Society of THEY. A Comprehensive List of Facts which are Common Knowledge. Random House Publications, 1998
- NOTE: For easy-to-follow instructions on how to make your own boiling water-powered wake-up kit, see Uncyclopedia's collection of HowTo guides.
- NOTE: Oh, and Joe Dirt. And Alien vs. Predator.
| Cream of the Crap
This article was one of the Top 10 articles of 2007 (ish).
|Featured Article (read another featured article)|
This article has been featured on the front page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.
|Re-featured Article (read another featured article)|
This article has been re-featured on the front page. — You can nominate your favourite featured articles at Uncyclopedia:Re-feature queue.
|Featured Why? Article|