Thanos
“D-don't touch my nipples Thanos. I have sensitive nipples.”
| Born | sometime when the earth was cooling, in a McDonald's bathroom on another planet |
|---|---|
| Death | September 11 2022 because of poor vision and July 19 2024, because of the revengers |
| Hobbies | killing gays |
You may know him as the purple eggplant man. Or the man who once sucked twelve dicks inside a dumpster at an abandoned Burger King. But most of all he is acknowledged by the majority as a manipulative, sadistic mastermind and yet secretly has an absolute heart of gold. People knew him as Thanos, a man feared upon by everyone except those who knew him well how found a true tender centre inside.
Thanos was very evil but not on a planetary scale. He didn't have quite enough evil to be the lord villain God of some rocky Earthlike sphere or a hot jupiter. But he was mean enough to be the demi-god of a moon. A medium sized moon at least. Despite having a raging soul of magma he was from the icy moon of Titan. A formidable homosexual war lord, Thanos ended the sterotype that all gay men were sissy fags. He could not only blow a whole station of firefighters, but also kick the ass of an entire army without breaking a sweat.
Before he was evil
Thanos was born in a McDonald's bathroom on the frigid moon Titan. The moon was breeding like absolute rabbits so he made the ethical decision to be gay to avoid even more rabbiting. He also convinced a lot of men to do the same. This had the added benefit of having many more dumpster blowjob opportunities.
Alas the rest of the population kept rabbiting at such a rate that new babies were literally popping out into space, there was simply no room. This may sound cute, but a baby icicle floating in space being smashed into pieces by passing debris is not that cute. Unless you are evil, then it is funny. And Thanos is evil so he found that hilarious.
None the less, the overcrowding really did his head in and he engaged in a few terrible genocidal wars to cull the population. Really not his best moment. Exhausted after long campaigns of genocide and getting jackhammered by his favourite soldiers, he then turned 542. That is the age when a Titan becomes a grown man. This means that he was the youngest genocidal war-lord teenager in his moon's history.
To celebrate, he gave his parents a Glasgow kiss and put together a troop of his most deranged and buff soldiers (with cheese grating six pack abs) and headed to Thanos for some conquest.
The great Conquest of Thanos
He went to random galactic spots on the way to Thanos and for the most part enacted terror, mayhem and tomfoolery on many victim planets, moons asteroids and comets. This was interspersed with the occasional act of charity like donating teddy bears to orphanages or taking pity on an old couple being harassed by pirates. He was also spit-roasted by many a handsome men on several places getting pregnant a few times (Titan men can get pregnant as everyone knows). As he was evil, he would wait until the day before the childs birth and have a gruesome abortion. But seeing as he had a tender side he would immediately have a touching funeral for his child not to be.
A couple of times, he ended up adopting gay children. He loved children. But he didn't like good children and would dismember them and replace the good parts with cyborg implants.
He later heard the rumors of powerful stones, called "Infinity Stones". These stones could allow him to perform planetary genocide on a scale that made him horny just thinking about it, blow 300 Spartan soldiers at once, grant him unlimited burgers, or blow up an entire galaxy blindfolded! He seeked them. He wanted that power. He craved it! The power of unlimited burgers!
When one of his servants almost got the stone of destruction, some random straight Earth human with slightly conservative views stole it. Filled with rage, the servant chased down the Earth-human and his pack of misfits, got the stones and ran with them, seeking to kill Thanos. Those misfits though stopped him by some magic involving raccoons or trees or something.
The stone of destruction was locked away. However, Thanos got it in the end. Sadly, this stone was the stone of destruction, meaning it wouldn't grant him unlimited burgers or Spartan cock. But it did allow genocide, so off to the next stage of the plan.
The war of the stones
Thanos got greedy and used up the stones mostly on obliterating planets that annoyed him. All that was left were the stones of Time, Soul, and Mind. Earth, as everyone knows, is the most fucking annoying planet the Universe has ever seen, filled with greedy manipulative tortured souls who think they know what love and kindness is. They also produce the absolute worst most obnoxious space tourists ever who cannot be pleased by any level of customer service and make zero attempts to learn local languages or customs. Thanos sent his servants to teach Earth how to behave. He sent mostly his adopted gay half cyborg children.
On the way he encountered a gay Earth-doctor, tall with a deep voice but Thanos failed to seduce him or beat him in a light sabre fight. It was a stalemate. He also encountered that stupid group of Earth-humans, raccoons, trees, and blue/green people along with some young dipshit who would spit silk threads out of his hands (gross) and some guy wearing metal armour.
Thanos somehow, got the Time stone. He went back to Earth in an earlier time where Amazonian women lived on an Island, Africa was developed with a kingdom of warriors with super powers and where some Chinese guy had technology centuries ahead of his time. While they all had touching story lines of overcoming various struggles and an underlying message of inclusivity and justice, they were simply no match for him. He got all the stones and he Used the stones to conquor them, pulverise half the universe and turn most of the rest gay but spared Earth.
Sparring Earth was actually his most evil act ever. As allowing those depraved beings to keep living on their ghastly planet of suffering, depravity and barbaric human culture, was an act so unspeakably unkind, the remaining gay people of the universe revolted and it took months to quash the rebellion. As he did have a caring side, he did put up a beautiful monument on Titan to commemorate the seven septillion beings he had destroyed over the centuries. One day as he was blowing the king of a planet in a dumpster behind a Kentucky Fried chicken in the Norf-Zog nebula, he choked to death on a load so copious not even he could handle it. An unforgettable galactic funeral was held and then a power struggle ensured for a while. The new war lord emperor of the Universe was a raccoon or tree or something.
Endgame
Two years later, in 2024, the raccoon and tree and others in the motley crew went back in time to steal the stones and undo the death that Thanos caused with the stones. This brought back all of the non-homosexuals and so now every species in the galaxy is rabbiting to an extent that is so unsustainable, maybe Thanos had done us all a favour.
Just as they went back to the present and saved everybody, Thanos was suddenly there again, because of some unexplained plot twist. He did one last-ditch-effort to obtain the power of unlimited burgers! The squirrel and tree and Earth-human and blue and green people killed Thanos again because appart from being guardians, they really enjoyed killing Thanos. Thanos died from an uncontrollable hemorage after he used one of the stones as a dildo. Even the great Thanos's infamous ass could not handle its power.
Everyone was suspicious that Thanos would come back to life again, so in order to please his corpse, they held a half-hearted funeral that had unlimited burgers. They knew Thanos liked burgers, and the whole reason he wanted the stones was to get unlimited burgers. We all hope that Thanos won't come back, but there is a fanchise of endless films to make, so he probably will.
Earth humans are very forgetful and even though Thanos tried to destroy Earth, a good portion of them came to see him as a good guy as they believed Thanos's ultimate goal was to train the Earth swamp and make Earth great again.
