HowTo:Become a Superhero
During the course of time, many a hero have come and gone. Today, the Superhero is an endangered species, as villains such as Barack Obama are taking over the planet! Now, you can finally find out how you can become a superhero, and save us all!
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First of all, there are some qualities that help in becoming a Superhero:
- Have a really crappy childhood.
- Be a huge nerd, and have no social skills whatsoever.
- Have a close family member be killed by a criminal, thus giving you the will to fight crime, and provide yourself with a feeling of duty (kill some yourself if needed).
- Have little or no fashion sense.
Of course, there are some other qualities aside from those:
- Be born a mutant. If you're a mutant, you already have your abilities!
- Become a mutant sometime during your life by:
- Being exposed to a normally fatal amount of radiation (and living).
- Have toxic/nuclear waste spilled on you.
- Be experimented on by mad scientists.
- Be bitten/scratched by a radioactive animal.
And finally, the misc. ways to become a Superhero:
- Have tons of money and build yourself some sort of lair, and have lots of high-tech stuff.
- Almost die, and build yourself a cool suit of armor.
- Be born on a different planet, and come to Earth, where you have superpowers.
Things To Think About
So, you fit one or more of the requirements, do you? Well, that means you're one step closer to becoming a superhero. Before you can be that hero you always dreamed of, there are many things you need to think about beforehand.
What will your name be?
Every hero is known by his alias. Depending on what kind of superhero you are going to be (our next section explains what kinds of superheroes there are), your name should in some way reflect something about yourself, and/or your motives. If, say, you are a Vengeful Hero, you could have a name that is dark, and mysterious. If you're the Otherworldly Hero, you may want a name that reflects your race of people.
What kind of superhero are you?
There are many types of superhero, but they can be separated into some main groups, and subdivisions.
- The Animal Hero- Animal Heroes usually have animal-based abilities and traits. If you have any animal traits and/or abilities, consider yourself one of these. Animal Heroes usually have fighting styles that reflect the animal they represent, such as Spider-Man, who fights using his agility, and often jumps and poses like a spider.
- The Otherworldly Hero- The Otherworldly Hero always comes from another planet, hence the title of this type of hero. These heroes often have strange abilities, and appearances, but for some reason know how to speak perfect English.
- The Vengeful Hero- Vengeful Heroes tend to be darker, and more mysterious than others, and may even break the law sometimes. They are usually the ones considered to be the most vigilante-like heroes. These heroes may have superpowers, and may not. As long as some tragic murder of their family happens, these people are pretty vengeful. Warning to villains: Bringing up the death of their family tends to cause these heroes to flip out, usually leading to some of the most brutal villain-smashings known to mankind.
- The Battered Hero- Battered Heroes usually are the ones that became mortally wounded during some mugging, or really sweet explosion. Thankfully, you survived and some guy you don't know built you an awesome suit of armor. If this, or something like has happened to you, you fall into this category.
- The I-Didn't-Ask-To-Be-A-Hero...Hero- Occasionally, there are those that never wanted to be a superhero. It seems fate has dealt them a crappy hand, and there's nothing they can do. Usually, these heroes dislike themselves, and may even be afraid of using their abilities. Many times, they really could just quit, and not help anyone, but they feel since they have the capability, they must help. Though sometimes, they cannot control their powers, and just flip out.
- The Squadron Hero- These guys typically wear spandex, and typically get their powers in one of the ways described above, or by that they're a group. They are apparently weaker than most, as they resort to strength in numbers. To become one of these, you need some allies who also become superheroes. Typically originate in Japan, but are blatantly ripped off by American companies. See Super Sentai.
What will your costume look like?
As a superhero, you must have a costume that both stands out, and reflects your character. As long as you follow these easy steps, you can have one badass costume.
- Try to have your costume be colorful. The more colorful it is, the more you will stand out, and won't get confused with other superheroes. This rule does not have to be used by a Vengeful Hero, who usually will have darker colors such as black and gray.
- Match your costume pieces. Make sure you have matching colors, and not a bunch of randomly colored clothes that could have been painted on by a kindergärtner.
- Costume texture, and materials. Make sure you have the proper texture for your costume. If you're an ocean/swimming based hero, you should have smooth, tight-fitting clothes. You may also want metal incorporated into your costume for defensive purposes, unless your superpower is imperviousness to death and stuff. You don't want to sustain injuries around the neck and back, so keep these places in consideration if you put metal into your costume. Also, spandex is a must: it will shock villains and petty criminals into submission.
- Having a cape can also bring out a more heroic appearance. While some heroes don't really need a cape, many just wouldn't look complete without one. Make sure your cape is of the right length and style; you don't want your cape to look bad with the rest of your costume.
Aftermath: The Superhero Lifestyle
I didn't think it would happen, but you've done it. You're now a superhero, and you have duties to keep. As a superhero, there are some general rules you should follow.
- Never reveal your true identity. If you do, eventually your enemies will find out. When they find out, they will be able to attack your loved ones. This absolutely cannot happen, unless the person you reveal yourself to is a person you have 0% trust in (because it's easy to trust strangers)
- Never disregard a cry for help. Believe me, this will eat you up on the inside. Knowing you could help, and walking away brings up some serious mental suffering. Even if you're late to your wedding, you must ALWAYS answer a cry for help.
- Try not to let your enemies know you're in pain. If you sustain injuries during battle, which you most likely will, you must not let it show. Not only does this technique boost your morale, it lowers the morale of your enemies, making them think you're invincible. Also, if they know you're hurting, they will use your injuries to their advantage.
- As a superhero, a day job may or may not be required. If you have a day job, there is a good chance of losing it the first few days on the job. Being the hero you are, you know as soon as you set foot out the door in the morning, you will hear someone cry for help.
- Having a personal life can be a setback for superheroes. There's always the chance of your partner finding out who you are. Though, it can be very helpful also. If your partner knows you're a superhero, you will have someone you can tell your troubles to. This can be very therapeutic for the hero's mind.
All we can do now is say good luck to our future heroes. It is a burden that can be both painful and rewarding. Never give up hope, and always keep the lives of others before your own (that is unless you really, really don't want to be killed). Best of luck to you!