User:Composure1

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Articles I have written for UnNews[edit | edit source]

JULY, 2011

213. Christian Radio's "Carmageddon" prediction fails to materialize
212. Obama proposes monetization of peas to pay off national debt
211. Casey Anthony wins prestigious OJ Simpson award
210. Strauss-Kahn charges reduced from rape to douchebaggery

NOVEMBER, 2010

209. Wikileaks shocker about Obama's birthplace

MAY, 2009

208. Nuclear blast fails to settle Kim Jong Il's hair

APRIL, 2009

207. U.S. Government sends Chris Redfield to battle swine flu in Mexico
206. Obama called anti-American for selecting Portuguese water dog
205. Obama vows to hunt down Easter Bunny; find eggs

MARCH, 2009

204. God declares Fargo a test area for disasters as blizzard hits
203. Obama's speech reassures Americans about NCAA brackets
202. Space Shuttle launches after duct tape fix
201. Obama overturns Bush stem cell policy; plans clone of himself
200. Recession now affecting time itself; one hour lost Sunday

SEPTEMBER, 2008

199. Weather Service Issues Hannah Montana warning for the southeastern US

JUNE, 2008

198. Playground pals Bill & Barack on speaking terms again
197. Zimbabwe's Mugabe claims to have won the Euro 2008 championship
196. Federal Reserve holds interest rates low until chairman pays off loans
195. Supreme Court approves death penalty for jaywalking
194. Zimbabwe's Mugabe declares the Netherlands "archenemy number one"
193. Anthropologists encounter America's only Euro soccer fan

MARCH, 2008

192. Bush disappointed South America no longer on brink of war
191. Medvedev feigns surprise after election victory in Russia

FEBRUARY, 2008

190. Nader decides to spoil the elections again
189. Fidel Castro finally admits he is dead
188. Bush travels to Africa in search of country to invade
187. Government confirms existence of "Area 7" for aliens in Guantanamo
186. Journalists discover Republican Alan Keyes is running for president
185. CNN's Situation Room overwhelmed on Super Tuesday; Blitzer hospitalized
184. UnNews officially endorses Mike Gravel for president
183. Microsoft to buy Yoohoo chocolate drink company

JANUARY, 2008

182. Edwards quit campaign just to watch season premiere of Lost
181. Giuliani declares victory in Florida despite huge loss
180. Mexican delegation sent to Gaza for border-crossing study
179. Giuliani revamps strategy to focus just on Miami-Dade County
178. Tearful Hillary Clinton loses Miss South Carolina pageant
177. Federal Reserve burns Vegas casino money in emergency move
176. CNN wins New Hampshire Primary, narrowly beating Fox News

NOVEMBER, 2007

175. CNN apologizes for allowing debate question from Giuliani in drag
174. Kasparov jailed for beating Putin at chess
173. White shoppers turned away from Black Friday deals
172. Bush breaks tradition, doesn't pardon Thanksgiving turkey
171. Media rekindles Natalee Holloway investigation

SEPTEMBER, 2007

170. Simpson proclaims innocence, vows to find "the real burglar"
169. Putin's surprise nomination shocks Indonesia
168. Osama bin Laden to release next video exclusively on Blu-ray DVD
167. Subprime mortgage woes hit Wikipedia, article count drops below 1 million
166. Senator Larry Craig changes mind about resignation, sexual orientation
165. Study finds that Bush failed to meet 11 of 18 mental development benchmarks
164. Osama Bin Laden makes surprise visit to the United States

AUGUST, 2007

163. Thompson to announce press conference about another press conference
162. Dean Hurricane threatens rowdy frat boys in Cancun
161. Giuliani supports Barack Obama for President
160. Minneapolis bridge collapse foils terrorist plan to blow up same bridge

JULY, 2007

159. Soccer victory proves Iraq strategy is working, says Bush

JUNE, 2007

158. White House claims cyberterrorists attacked its e-mail servers

MAY, 2007

157. Dr. Kevorkian to be released from prison, sent to help Iraqi suicide bombers
156. Thinking the "T" stand for "tree", Bush gives NATO chief a ranch tour
155. Fat president is Iraq's last unresolved problem
154. Rapture! Rev. Jerry Falwell taken to heaven, everyone else left behind
153. White Star steamer Empress of the North sinks
152. Bush confused at 400th anniversary of Jamestown founding
151. Cheney visits Hell to shore up support for Iraq war
150. President Bush hosts Texas-style barbecue for British Queen
149. Chavez threatens to take over Venezuelans' living rooms
148. Vetoing Congressional funding bill, Bush launches telethon to raise money for Iraq

APRIL, 2007

147. Al Qaeda trying to recruit truck driver from California highway collapse
146. McCain announces bid to become the next American Idol
145. Mogadishu now tops list of "Best Cities to Live in for Warlords"
144. Vodka industry in turmoil following Yeltsin's death
143. Americans have high hopes for Sunni Ghetto in Baghdad
142. New Jersey Governor's car crash caused by 88mph time-travel attempt

MARCH, 2007

FEBRUARY, 2007

JANUARY, 2007

129. Chavez makes yet another beyond-the-grave visit to Castro
128. John Kerry euthanized after political setbacks
127. President Bush plans to hire Jack Bauer for terrorism fight
126. Obama launches campaign for President of Cuba
125. House increases maximum wage from 515 to 725 million dollars per year
124. Apple unveils new device - the "rotary phone"
123. Bush takes cue from Chavez; vows to nationalize media
122. Saddam's tomb found empty after 3 days; resurrected leader appears to followers

DECEMBER, 2006

121. World nervously awaits impact of Y2.007K computer problem
120. James Brown's body mistakenly switched for Gerald Ford's at Apollo Viewing
119. World's oldest man, Jesus Christ, celebrates 2009th birthday
118. UN Security Council imposes sanctions on North Pole
117. Bush to send more troops to St. Helens in effort to appease Volcano God
116. NBA violence at highest level as new Defense Secretary sworn in
115. Brain surgery turns Senator Johnson from Democrat to Republican
114. Iran holds conference to debate the existence of women
113. Litvinenko investigators find polonium at North Pole; Santa implicated
112. Reports from NASA, Iraq study group, get mixed up
111. DefSec nominee Gates says America losing the War on Christmas
110. Castro misses military parade due to his death

NOVEMBER, 2006

109. UnNews unveils video news broadcasts
108. Iraqi PM postpones meeting with Bush to watch TV show
107. Xenu disappointed over Cruise-Holmes wedding
106. PS3 fans eagerly await OJ Simpson's new game "If You Did It"
105. Nancy Pelosi elected as first mute Speaker of the House
104. UnNews to merge with UN News
103. NASA chief Michael Griffin resigns over handling of Saturn hurricane
102. Laura Bush jealous of President's lunch date with Nancy Pelosi
101. Nominated Secretary of Defense, Gates vows to use Windows for victory in Iraq
100. Britney divorce filing gives Republicans last-minute boost on election day
99. Leader of National Gay Alliance dismissed for heterosexual activity
98. Verdict looms in Saddam's trial for murder of Nicole Brown Simpson
97. Bush stops campaigning after realizing upcoming election is not for President
96. Recruiters frustrated they can't hire Cheney, Rumsfeld

OCTOBER, 2006

SEPTEMBER, 2006

AUGUST, 2006

74. Stolen copy of Craven's "Scream" film recovered by police
73. John Mark Karr wins Emmy for best actor in a crime drama
72. "Ernest Goes to Haiti" to be released in theatres this week
71. Iran defies IAU, maintains that Pluto is a planet
70. Paramount drops Tom Cruise after actor's confession
69. Iran agrees to have "talk" with girlfriend America
68. Bush admits Iraq war is straining nation's psychics
67. JonBenet suspect rates airline food
66. Sharon In Stable Condition After Dip In Copperfield's Fountain of Youth
65. Venezuela's Hugo Chavez Enjoys Weekend at Fidel's
64. NewTextCompressionAlgorithmInvented
63. Snakes Banned From Carry-On Luggage on Planes
62. Middle East "World of War" Server to Undergo Maintenance at 7am Monday
61. Britain Foils Toothpaste Smuggling Terrorist Plot
60. Halliburton Shuts Down Pipeline in Bush's Brain
59. AOL Discloses Searches Of All Two Subscribers

JUNE, 2006

58. Hamas Pays Palestinian Workers With Monopoly Money
57. God Disappointed in Jesus' Father's Day Gift
56. Baghdad Overwhelmed with Flowers for Liberators
55. Bush Makes Surprise Visit To White House
54. US Develops Vaccine For World Cup Fever
53. Slashdot.org "Slashdotted," Crashing Servers
52. Campaigns For al-Qaida Presidential Elections Heat Up
51. Iran Vows To "Wipe Mexico Off The Map" After Soccer Defeat
50. National Gay Marriage Threat Level Raised to "Flamboyant"
49. EU Secret Prison Investigators Sent to Secret European Prisons

MAY, 2006

48. Iraqi WMDs Hidden With Hoffa's Body, Government Claims
47. Barbaro Walters Emerges From Full Day of Surgery
46. New Orleans Election To Decide City Flavor: Vanilla or Chocolate
45. "Fray at Gitmo Bay" Boxing Match Declared A Huge Success
44. TV Networks To Cancel "President Bush's Speeches" After This Season
43. Bush to Deploy National Guard at Canadian Border
42. Orphans Across the Country Mark a Somber Mother's Day
41. Stavros Niarchos Checks Out Of Paris Hilton Hotel
40. Millions of Immigrants Celebrate New Month's
39. Rebels Reject Darfur Peace Deal; Sudanese Empire Threatens With Death Starve

APRIL, 2006

38. Amtrak Future Uncertain; Could Be Replaced by Steam Engines
37. Phil Spector's Murder Trial Delayed For Haircut
36. Fox News To Replace White House Press Secretary
35. Bush's Approval Rating Falls Below Zero
34. Latest Bin Laden Tape Depicts Perverted Acts
33. John Kerry Debating Himself On Whether To Run In 2008
32. Duke Nukem Forever Delay Postpones Iraqi Parliament Session
31. Bush Confused As To Who is Visiting White House
30. U.S. May Ask IKEA to Sanction Iran
29. Bubonic Plague Strikes LA, Wikis; Bush Cuts Vacation Short
28. McClellan Dodges Questions on McClellan Resignation
27. Katie Holmes Gives Birth to Reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard
26. Google Admits to Censoring Uncyclopedia
25. San Francisco Marks Godzilla Attack Centennial
24. Times-Picayune, Sun Herald, UnNews Win Pulitzer
23. Buddy Holly's Watch, Grillz, Sold At Auction
22. Tragedy At Easter Egg Hunt As Cheney Shoots Easter Bunny
21. You Are Reading This Headline; About To Click On It
20. New Suspect, Known Only as "V" Arrested in Holloway Case
19. Easter Bunny Celebrates 1976th Birthday
18. UnNews Announces Morse Code RSS Feed
17. Palestinians Storm Hamas HQ, Demand Hummus
16. NYC Rat Finally Rescued After 14 Days
15. Pope Gets Lost at Way of the Cross Procession
14. Last Minute Tax Tips From UnNews
13. Bonds' Steroids Turn Jury Into Grand Jury
12. Scientists Release New Venus Images; Serena pics coming soon
11. Danube River at Record Levels; Dykes, Gays Still Holding
10. Delta pilots picnic outside headquarters as strike looms
9. Mystery Speaker to Convene Iraqi Parliament
8. General Pace, Captain Morgan defend Rumsfeld
7. 10th planet larger than Pluto, but smaller than Lassie
6. Man wins $9 million Vioxx lottery
5. Iran enriches uranium, impoverishes carbon
4. Emigrant rally draws 3 people
3. Enron's Skilling bribes jury - claims wallet doesn't fit
2. Governator declares emergency ;vows to go back in time to stop flood, girly-men
1. Italian election too close to call as Florida tally disputed

Articles I have written for Uncyclopedia[edit | edit source]

Awards[edit | edit source]

Knight Commander of the Order

	Foolitzer Prize Winner February 2008

	Foolitzer Prize Winner April 2006

Goldstein award.png

E G A E D M

The Emmanuel
Goldstein Award

May 2007

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