UnNews:Bush Confused As To Who is Visiting White House

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

20 April 2006

Who? Hu!

(Washington, DC) President Bush was very confused today during Chinese's President's Hu Jintao's official visit to the White House. Awoken from his mid-morning nap, Bush was informed by new chief of staff Josh Bolten that "Hu is coming to visit." Startled, the President reportedly responded, "I don't know. You tell me who is coming to visit!" After Bolten repeated his assertion, Bush angrily told him to "stop playing mind games" and wished that Andy Card was still around.

Later in the day, as Chinese flags were raised on the White House south lawn to welcome Jintao, Bush was seen running to the White House bunker screaming "The commies are coming!" It took an hour and a batch of cookies to calm the President down. Additionally, he choked on one of the cookies, sources say. In light of the seriousness of the visit, advisors encouraged president Bush to have UN secretary general Kofi Annan present. But Bush cryptically responded that he would "prefer tea" because he "doesn't like coffee, especially unknown brands like Annan." Following these remarks, the White House chef was instructed to avoid cooking spotted dick, excessive greens (especially pan-fried), and especially anything with rice.

China and the United States disagree on a wide array of issues, with the most pressing being human rights. The US believes China is too liberal in its policies and doesn't violate the Geneva convention often enough. "Sure, they censor the internet," says a senior diplomat, "but why aren't they wiretapping all of their citizens?" The official praised China's sweeping arrests of members of opposition groups, but suggested that "prisoners should be sent places where no international laws apply, and we are allowed to torture them using sexy strippers and Christina Aguilera music, like Guantanamo; China still has a long way to go on this."

Another thorny issue is China's monetary situation. The US Treasury Department says the Asian nation's deficit is "way too small." The US recently raised its debt limit to almost 9 trillion dollars, and China has a long way to catch up. The Chinese currency is also said to be undervalued, which the US resents as the dollar has been slipping steadily for the past two years, almost falling below the value of Canadian funny-money.

Hu Jintao's visit was marred by protests, especially from members of the group Falun Bong. The organization, made illegal in China, is dedicated to achieving spiritual peace through smoking with a sacred bong. The Chinese regime fears that widespread use of marijuana will undermine the state's national drug - opium. The Bush administration is ambivalent on the issue, realizing that both opium and marijuana sales are a significant portion of the bustling American economy.

Sources

• AP "Bush, Hu Make Little Progress on Trade" "", April 20, 2006