UnNews:Hackers briefly overwhelm three key porn servers
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
7 February 2007
WASHINGTON, DC -- Unknown hackers launched a massive attack against the internet's main porn infrastructure on Tuesday, briefly overwhelming three of the thirteen main servers. The unprecedented attack lasted for over twelve hours, disrupting both photo and video downloads.
Experts moved quickly to set up new firewalls and change server configurations to hamper the attack, but the sheer scale of the infiltration nearly caused an all-out outage. "We were just minutes away from a filth-free internet," grimly admitted a security specialist at Symantec. A spokesman assured the public, however, that tape-storage backups of a majority of the pornography were available in case of emergency.
The perpetrators of Tuesday's attack are still unknown, but the Department of Homeland Security has ruled out terrorists. Initial FBI investigations revealed the attacks started somewhere "in the Bible Belt in the deep South," suggesting fundamentalist Christians might be responsible. Further investigations have narrowed the attack center to be within 100 miles of Fort Mill, South Carolina, the location of "Heritage USA", but it is doubtful an exact point will ever be confirmed.
However, police haven't ruled out the possibility of Presidential Candidate Hillary Clinton having instigated the hacking. Under condition of anonymity, one investigator surmised, "This is what can happen when you put a woman in charge - she wants to take all the fun out of the World Wide Web. Or maybe she just doesn't want Slick Willy looking at naughty pictures of Monica anymore."
Although the remaining 10 porn servers were able to handle most of the excess traffic load, many individual users were still affected. Downloads of the popular "Back-door Sluts 9" film were reportedly taking twice as long as normal. Even the latest pictures of Britney Spears' crotch had to temporarily be served at a lower resolution. "I ended up jerking off to a pic of some ugly grandma, since that was the only thing I could download quickly enough before my roommate got home," one college student shamefully admitted.
The attack caused a severe economic toll on porn providers, who were forced to refund money to many customers. California Governator Arnold Schwarzenegger, in whose state most X-rated movies are produced, promised relief funds for the industry. "We will not let our ample-breasted actresses suffer - I will personally help by lending my muscular body for the next 10 porn films shot in California," he announced at an impromptu press conference. He did not affirm or deny rumors that he will pose in Leia's gold bikini suit.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Ted Bridis "Hackers attack key Net traffic computers" AP, February 6, 2007