UnNews:General Pace, Captain Morgan defend Rumsfeld

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

12 April 2006

(Washington, DC) Defense secretary Donald Rumsfeld has been under fire from all sides lately over his handling of both alcohol and the Iraqi war, but current members of the military vigorously defended their boss at a press conference earlier today. Flanked by General Pace from the Army, Captain Morgan of the Navy, and Ron Bacardi (whose rank was unavailable at press time), Rumsfeld asserted he is in "complete" control over both the war and his alleged "drinking problem." "While there are many knowns, both known and unknown, and many unknowns we don't know about yet, one thing is certain: I'm doing a heck of a job," he said.

Criticism goes back all the way to the beginning of the invasion, when Rumsfeld allegedly ignored calls for more troops to secure Baghdad, diverting troops to secure his liquor cabinet instead. But Captain Morgan testified, "Rummy and I spent many a late night in March of 2003, planning the details." He explained that Rumsfeld's plan wasn't necessarily perfect in retrospect, but that at the time it was the right thing to do. "We had to give it a shot," Morgan added. Critics argue that they gave it more than just a shot; "four or five shots at least!" claims disgruntled Army Major Brad Aquafina.

Calls for the defense secretary's resignation have been roundly dismissed by the Bush administration. White House press secretary Scott McClellan reiterated that "Every member of the cabinet serves at the pleasure of the president, and, as you all know, Mr. Bush is very easy to amuse. Why, just this morning he clapped and giggled for almost an hour when Barney the dog chased his tail."

Asked about Rumsefeld's ability to potentially handle two wars at once, should Iran be invaded, General Pace assured the public that "The Secretary has a large and very qualified staff, limited to not just myself and Captain Morgan, but also including such great personnel as Admiral Johnny Walker, Revolutionary war hero Sam Adams, and even allied Mexican General Jose Cuervo." The critics are skeptical of these assurances though, claiming that advice from the likes of Major Brad Aquafina and Doctor Pepper would be more suitable for Rumsfeld.

The Democrat reaction was swift. Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid quipped, "Why don't we just surrender already?" Senator John Kerry expressed hope that events on the ground in Iraq would shift support to his plan to offer up the State of Florida to the insurgents in the hopes of appeasing them. "They get Disneyworld. How could they say 'no'? In return, we get peace."

Senator Ted Kennedy was too drunk to comment, but mumbled something about Sharon Stone.

Sources

• CNN "Top generals defend Rumsfeld" "", April 12, 2006