UnNews:Iran enriches uranium, impoverishes carbon

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

11 April 2006

(Teh-ran, I-ran, She-ran) Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejadadajadadajadad announced in a nationally televised speech today that the country's "seekers of Mohamed's knowledge" (the Iranian term for "scientists") have finally managed to produce enriched uranium. Funding for the project was made by reducing money for carbon enrichment. The president explained, "With our new rich, shiny uranium, we won't need carbon - the main ingredient of coal - for our coal-based power plants anymore. Therefore, by Allah's grace, we have impoverished carbon, kind of like we impoverish our citizens."

Iran's nuclear program is being closely followed by the West, particularly by the United States, which "Just can't wait to launch a pre-emptive strike against Iran," according to an anonymous high-ranking official at the Defense Department. European Union countries, meanwhile, are threatening Iran with UN resolutions 123-b, 346-c and even 583-d, which, in the strongest language yet, demands that Iran, "pretty please stop [its] uranium enrichment, or the uN will put a sticker with a frowny face on the Iranian ambassador's office door."

Officially, the White House is supporting Europe's diplomatic efforts. Asked about a potential military strike against Iran, press secretary Scott McClellan struggled to contain laughter as he said, "As you know, the US only uses force as a, hahaha, last resort! Yeah, president Bush is a man... hahah.... a man of peace." The press pool correspondents had a good chuckle as well.

At an afternoon press conference, Iran's Vice President in charge of Nuclear Power and Ponies, Gholamreza Aghazadeh, detailed some of the government's plans. "So far we've been able to enrich uranium to the upper-middle class level only on the laboratory scale. But by the end of the year, our whole stock pile will be at least in the top 10% of the income bracket for periodic elements, trailing only behind Plutonium and Platinum." At that level of richness, the isotope is useful for producing nuclear energy, but not a nuclear bomb.

IAEA chief Mohamed ElBaradei (not related to the Prophet Mohamed), warned that although a nuclear bomb is still far off from being in the Iranians hands, a "nukular bomb" - George W. Bush's greatest fear - may be only months away. His agency's ability to watch the Iranians' progess is limited though, as the facilities have been stripped of UN monitoring equipment. Aghazadeh, however, claims that the removal was not politically motivated or done out of a want for secrecy - he says the equipment was removed only because the IAEA and UN seals too closely resembled the sacred image of the Prophet Mohamed, which is forbidden in the Muslim religion.

Residents of Tehran were largely jubilant about the news, chanting "Allahu akbar!" in the central square. The phrase literally translates to "God is Great!" and means something to the effect of "we pWned u n00bs! w00t!"

Sources

• AP "Iran Hits Milestone in Nuclear Technology" "", April 11, 2006